Page 9 of Learn Your Limits
I sneak my phone out of my blazer pocket as fast as I can. Our conversation is implanted in my brain, but I need to double check to see if I was the one actually deceivinghim.
Before even opening the app, I see there are a handful of notifications about messages from Cal. Thankfully, they just came in a few minutes ago. I have a tendency to forget my phone exists when I’m deep in my work, and it typically stays on silent in a drawer at my desk.
I am relieved to hear from Cal, but I’m also afraid of the content of the messages. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s had a moment of reflection and he’s ready to end our exchanges.
The first message, a short “Hey, Milo.” has me imagining how my nickname would sound from his lips. Is this a sad greeting, a shy one, or perhaps one that precedes a goodbye?
I continue reading.
He was scared and feeling vulnerable. The abrupt drop in conversation last night was because he regretted sending me the photo of his drawing. Of all the things we discussed, and how heated things became, Cal was afraid of letting me perceive his true self.
The flirting and the sending of enticing photos were nothing new to him, I’m sure. Even at my age, I’m no stranger to sending nudes when spicing up a conversation. His artistic side must be something he keeps hidden. The sentence about him living up to others’ expectations of him is what hits me the most. Cal must be suffering in the suppression of himself, even if he doesn’t necessarily present it to others.
JustMilo:Hola, Cal.
JustMilo:I’ve been thinking about you all morning. In all honesty, I thought I had perhaps pushed you too far last night. In truth, I wasn’t upset with you but more with myself. I know you said you’re new to this, and based on your message, I can tell there might be some things you are not comfortable sharing. I’d like to thank you for feeling like you could share your art with me.
My thumbs type away as I try my best to listen to the conversation happening between our presenter and the audience. I take a moment to scan my eyes over the photo he sent me. There’s an adorable smile on his face, and the bit of auburn scruff on his jaw leaves me itching to feel stubble beneath my fingers.
JustMilo:A beautiful smile from a beautiful young man.
JustMilo:My forgiveness is not what you’ll get, Cal. I don’t have it to give because I’m not angry with you.
Setting my phone screen down on the table in front of me, I focus my attention back to the final remarks in the meeting. My fingers tap lightly on the polished wood in my strain to keep from checking my phone right away, but I lose the battle when it buzzes repeatedly with notifications.
CallMeCal:I've been thinking about you, too. I haven't stopped thinking about you.
CallMeCal:I've never had the opportunity to explore anything beyond friendship with a man, and I freaked out.
CallMeCal:Not because of you.
CallMeCal:Nothing you said was too much for me. I just didn't expect to feel so drawn to someone so quickly. My art is the only thing I have that feels like it's just mine. Exposing that piece of myself made me feel a little raw.
CallMeCal:Thank you, Milo. For understanding. I would really like to continue getting to know you.
CallMeCal:If you're still interested.
I may have snuck a glance at my phone before the meeting ended to read Cal’s replies, but it’s only once I’m walking over tomy office at the opposite end of the building that I feel collected enough to reply to the devastatingly emotional messages.
He’s opening up to me again, but I wonder if this will turn into a cycle of us moving forward and Cal pulling away. I wonder if there will be much of a future for us at all if things turn out for the worse and we would have to be each other’s secret.
Already feeling like I’m damned one way or the other by not being able to resist the temptation of him, I message him back.
Chapter nine
Reid
JustMilo:I’m still interested.
JustMilo:In all aspects of you.
I was fully prepared for Milo to respond to my messages with an eloquentthanks, but no thanks. I don’t know many people who would be as understanding as him, but that just goes to show that his level of maturity far surpasses that of those I regularly spend time with.
I’ve never been so relieved by two simple sentences as I am right now. I’m still not sure how much of myself I’m willing to let him see when we don’t really know each other. But I also realize that the only way we’re going to get to know one another is by doing exactly that. I can’t expect him to fall for me exactly as I am without showing him who that is.
As much as I appreciate the anonymity that comes with messaging on this app, I also hate not being able to hear the tone of his words or see his facial expressions. I want to sit and havean actual conversation with him, to know if my heart and body will respond to him the same way they did last night. But taking that step would be monumental.
The only thing I can do now is try to show him that I meant what I said. Part of which means not leaving him hanging. Rubbing a hand over my stubbled jaw, I contemplate how to respond to his last messages. Maybe it’s as simple as taking a step back and building the foundation of a friendship. I don’t agree with many things that my parents have said over the course of my life, but my mom has always said that a solid friendship is the foundation of every long-lasting relationship.
