Page 98 of Somebody to Save
It took me a moment to collect my bearings, blinking open my eyes to see the sun shining through the sheer curtains in my grandmother’s bedroom. And for the briefest second, I was five years old again, lying in their bed between them, listening to Nana’s soft rumbling snore and hoping that my parents would eventually return. But no matter what, I had two people who loved me more than anything and whom I knew would do anything they had to to keep me safe and loved.
But the moment was over as quickly as it began and it all came flooding back. I wished I was hungover.
Tears immediately sprang to my eyes, which only made my head throb.
I didn’t know if it was possible to cry enough to dehydrate yourself, but it felt like that’s exactly what I’d done.
I rolled over and found an empty glass on the table next to me and retrieved it as I begrudgingly climbed out of bed. Looking down, at some point, I’d traded my beautiful dress forone of Nana’s old T-shirts, and my entire body flinched with the reminder that she was no longer here.
On the other side of the bed, Grams was still sound asleep, and I brushed away a stray lock of her long gray hair as I quietly made my way out of the room, closing the door behind me.
Seeing Nana’s photographs on the walls made my heart scream in pain, so I screwed my eyes shut, walking down the hallway by memory alone until I stopped in the living room. When I opened my eyes, I found my missing boyfriend. Memories from the night before were hazy, but I know he’d stayed with me while I cried myself to sleep, sitting next to me in bed and rubbing my arm as Grams and I held hands.
I guess at some point he’d made his way to the living room and fallen asleep on one of the recliners. He’d lost his jacket and bow tie, and his crisp, white shirt was wrinkled and partially open. He was too large for the chair, arms and legs hanging off in a position that couldn’t be comfortable.
It was the first thing to make me even consider smiling in so many hours.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the water I desperately needed, but on my way back, I stopped back in the living room. I didn’t want to disturb him, but I also craved his closeness.
As carefully as I could, I slid onto his lap without disrupting his sleep. But he stirred anyway, jumping almost clean out of the chair as I sat down. His eyes flew open, and he gripped the armrests.
“Sorry,” I whispered. As soon as he realized what was happening, he settled back down, wiping the sleep from his eyes and wrapping his arms around me.
“Just scared me,” he said quietly. “I’ll never be mad about being woken up by you.”
I readjusted on his lap so I wasn’t sitting directly on his crotch, and he pulled me closer. I wiggled my arm between the chair and his back and pressed my face into his neck. Taking a deep breath, I wished his deep scent calmed me like it usuallydid, but I didn’t think anything would work. My heart was broken, and although Beckett helped, nothing was going to fix it completely.
At least I felt a little less alone with him around or lying next to Grams.
“How are you feeling? Relatively.” He brushed a kiss against my forehead and rested his cheek on top of my head. I only held on to him tighter.
“I’m okay. My head hurts, but sleep was good. I just…can’t believe this is real.”
“God, I know. I’m so sorry, Bubbles. So,sofucking sorry.” I could feel the pain and sorrow in his voice the same as I could my own.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I took a deep breath and let the tears gather and fall. I couldn’t believe I had any left.
“I would’ve done anything to keep her around for a little while longer. The twenty-three years I got with her wasn’t enough. She was everything I ever needed her to be, and I just wish I could’ve told her that one more time. Told her that I love her and that I’m going to miss her.”
My words broke off as a sob caught in my throat, and I took a stuttered, ugly breath around it. Pain and loneliness lanced through me.
“She knows, baby girl. She knows how much you love her. She absolutely knows. You showed her every day. You were the best granddaughter. Fuck, you are such an incredible person.”
My thoughts were everywhere, scattered in a million different directions, and I couldn’t speak. There were too many tears, and I could barely suck in a breath without a stabbing in my chest.
So, Beckett just held me while I cried. He had to be uncomfortable, but he didn’t move, and eventually, my tears subsided. When I looked back up, wiping my eyes, the room was brighter, and my mouth was dry once again.
Clearing my throat, my eyes raked over his face. His eyeswere bloodshot, and there were deep, dark circles beneath them. “Thank you for being here,” I whispered. “I know it’s a lot, but it means so much.”
His fingers slipped across my cheek, and he tugged a piece of hair behind my ears. I can’t imagine what I looked like. I hadn’t washed my makeup off—what little I didn’t cry off—and I could feel how tangled my hair was. But none of that was reflected in Beckett’s expression.
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be, Addison. When I said I love you, I meant it. I will love every part of you through everything.”
Taking a deep breath, I nodded and tried to believe his words. “I’m just so scared,” I admitted. “I’ve already lost both of my parents and now Nana. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I don’t think I can handle it. But now, I have you, and I have somebody else to lose.”
No matter when I lost them, I felt the absence of my parents every day. And I knew Nana would be the same. When someone is that vital in your life, that wound never really heals. You just get used to carrying the grief and the weight of the memories.
It dawned on me that maybe that was why I’d clung to my relationship with Owen for so long. Why, no matter what he did, I had a hard time breaking it off until one night with Beckett. It was easier with him because I wasn’t as afraid to lose him.
