Page 99 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“How much would you give to see her safe?”
“Everything.”
“Would you die in service of her safety?”
So it would come to that.
I did not grieve.I had never deluded myself into thinking that something miraculous would give us a happily ever after.Even if Alaina brought me to Altania, we could never truly be together.Being human once more was a hope I no longer entertained.I would never kiss her.I would never see the summer sun again.I would never have children of my own.
But Alaina might if I could keep her safe.
“Yes, my lord.I will die for her.”
“Loyalty is the virtue I prize above all others.”The Otherlander approached me and knelt.His dark eyes stared into mine, compassionate, empathetic, kind.He raised his finger, the tip beginning to glow through the glove, and he put it to my forehead.“Even when it may cost you dearly, be true to her and she will be safe.”
XXIX.
Alaina noticed my distractionand ill temper before I could even put words to it, and gave me space to be temperamental at my leisure before we retired.We said little to each other as we took our respective sides.
In bed, I stared at the muted colors of the ceiling painting and the elongated dancing shadows of the molded plaster as the fire crackled in the hearth.No matter how I placed my wings, tight against me or splayed behind, I could not get comfortable.
Did the putti of the paintings and frescoes hate their wings too?They never looked as if they minded the unnatural appendages.Maybe it was because they were born with them.Were putti born though?Maybe they were created fully formed, wings and all, and did not know the difference.Or maybe they received them to indicate serving higher powers.Maybe they wouldn’t resent them if the higher powers gave all their beloved messengers wings.
I was not a beloved messenger.
The collar choked me.The leather bands on my wrists and ankles pulled at small feathers.The ankle bells made hollow thunks when I shifted.The blankets bunched beneath me.I grew too warm beneath the blankets, but I was too cold if I put a leg or an arm outside of them.Everything hurt and annoyed.
“If you tell me about it, you will feel better,” Alaina finally said.
What did I tell her?Everything was wrong and unfixable?Nothing was wrong because nothing had changed?Did I tell her that I expected her life to get a whole lot worse soon while I died protecting her?
My imminent death would be the last thing I could tell Alaina.
“I met a Kind and Fair Protector today,” I told her, opting for the factual rather than the implications derived from the meeting.
“A Kind and Fair Protector?”
