Page 92 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“Is this like the last time?Do you think I will hurt you like she does?”
“No, but....”I withdrew my hand from her.“I am content out here.Good night, princess.”
I settled myself in front of the hearth as usual.Alaina rose from the chaise without any additional protest and retrieved the chamberstick, taking the hint.The muffled sounds of her slippered feet against rug grew distant with her retreat into the bedroom.
I breathed more easily knowing that I had won this small test of wills.Why then did some nasty nagging little piece of me point out that I was disappointed?
A stupid, pathetic tear slipped over what had once been the bridge of my nose.I studied my talon-tipped fingers, my scaled palms, and the feathered backs of my hands and arms in the firelight.Could such hands provide warmth and intimacy in the bedroom, no matter what the arrangement?The tsarina still wanted me like this.Could Alaina?
Alaina’s steps grew louder as she returned to the antechamber.I couldn’t find enough voice to ask if she had come back to torment me, and by the time my voice could rise above my distressed contemplations, she had laid a pillow down behind me and joined me on the floor.She cuddled against my back, as much as she could given my wings.
“Alaina, what are you doing?”
“If you will not join me in my bed, then you leave me no choice but to join you in yours.”
“Alaina.”My throat tightened.
“It won’t be the same,” she promised.“We can just sleep.That’s all.Just sleep.Just like this.”
“You’re a princess.”
“And you’re my friend.”
“And your friend can sleep on the floor, especially when that friend is the court pet.”
“That’s an even worse objection,” she scolded me.“Any pet would sleep on my bed with me.They would not fight me about it like a certain contrary creature.”
I did not know how to combat that logic.Most of the nobles at court with pets babied them.And yes, they probably shared their owners’ beds too.
“You are out-maneuvered, Kaylay.”She ran a fingertip over the ridge of my wing.“Admit it.”
“You are only thinking of yourself in this,” I whispered.
“I just want to be close to you.”She withdrew her hand.“Do you not want to be close to me?”
“Please.”The lack of her touch stole my warmth despite the fire.
“Please stay?Or please go?”
Yes.Yes, yes, yes.Please.And I didn’t know how to explain it to her.
I didn’t want to tell her the truth, the shameful reality of my own weakness, and how, even misused, I could still not banish longing.It would tarnish me in her eyes still further.But there was nothing else that I could tell her to explain my conflict.
“Regardless of my form,” I said, “I am not immune to wanting.”
“Wanting,” she repeated, her voice devoid of the judgment I was certain it would contain.She replaced her hand on my wing.“What is it you want?”
“Please, do not encourage futile desires.”
“Does the tsarina not...?I thought—”
“Sex and affection are two very different things.”I pulled away from Alaina, disturbed in a variety of ways, and sat up, resigned that I would not be sleeping for a long while.
“Does the tsarina not give you affection?”
“No more than your husband likely gave you.”
“Don’t you dare bring Pytor into this!My relationship with—”
