Page 86 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“What’s the use of having it if I cannot show it off a little?”
“You’re coming with me?”
“Of course, I am.You did not invite me, but I will forgive you for the oversight just this once.What better ornament than your very own firebird?”
She rewarded me with a brilliant smile and then dashed off to her bedroom to fix the feather in her hair.
The woman who came out of the bedroom the second time was not the same as the one who had come out the first.This Alaina laughed and grinned and teased as she helped me with the robe, the brilliant, gleaming feather tucked neatly in her braids and held with a small blue jewel.
“I didn’t think you would want to go,” she said when she finished fastening the clasps.
“I do not savor my time among others of court, but who would I be if I did not come to my lady’s aid in times of need?”
“Am I?”She blushed.“Your lady?”
“Naturally,” I said, downplaying the possible import of her words because I did not know how to grapple with that in my current situation.Especially since I had to ask a question I did not want to ask.“Will you be using the lead for me tonight?”
“I hadn’t thought about that.”The frowning discontent princess of earlier returned.“I don’t want to.”
“Should I stay a few respectable paces behind you then?”
“Ugh, I hate that too.”She nibbled her bottom lip.“Couldn’t you just, you know, escort me properly?”
“I could, but is that realistic for a creature who is not supposed to understand what is going on?”
“Mute doesn’t mean stupid or unintelligent.Who’s to say that you haven’t been observing proper behavior?I can direct you like I would a toddler, if I must: sit here, go there.And maybe, you can make enough noise with your ankle bells tonight that the tsarina will finally let me take them off you too.”
“Not likely.She likes it when I....When she....”How could I relate that delicately?“She likes the noise during....You know.”
“I hate them even more now.”
“I endure.”I did not wish to dwell on the sad reality of my time with the tsarina because I was with Alaina now, and I did not want the tsarina to taint our time together.I offered Alaina my arm instead.“Shall we?”
“Thank you, Kaylay.”
She took my arm and beamed up at me.And in her delight and joy and eagerness, I didn’t feel like the abomination the tsarina meant me to be.To my strange little princess, maybe I wasn’t a man, but I could still be her evening hero in feathers.
As Alaina predicted, the music offered a pleasant night’s entertainment.Everything else, not so pleasant.Most gave us strange looks when we entered, her on my arm, my feather in her hair.It took all my restraint not to fall into the manners I had been practicing my whole life.I couldn’t guide her, seat her, or get her anything.She guided us.She pointed me to a settee and settled the cushion at her feet.I had to not stand for the tsarina when she entered, and the tsarina did not notice me until well into the entertainment.
In keeping with the role assigned to me, I hissed at one of the ladies who came too close to Alaina.My feral incivility kept everyone away from us, beyond the occasional servant compelled to offer food and drink.Alaina played her part too and petted me to ensure I behaved throughout the festivities.
The tsarina cast dagger-sharp glares in our direction once she noticed us, but I just looked at her wide-eyed and innocent.How could I refuse the princess’ offer when I wasn’t supposed to speak?A tantrum?Hardly.And if the tsarina interrogated me on our next encounter, I would tell her the truth of Alaina being good to me.Nothing the tsarina saw would contradict what either of us would be telling her.
This was not a game anyone but the tsarina could win, and I hoped Alaina realized that by now.We couldn’t play to win our freedom or our happiness.We could play though to endure until something more effective at disrupting the tsarina’s odds stepped in, like illness.And if we reassured the tsarina that she was winning, then we could also play to give ourselves moments of rest.A dangerous way to live, but we had no choice.I might have even been more reckless with how I played, but I had to think of Alaina now.While it didn’t matter what happened to me anymore, I refused to let her suffer because I did something rash.Befriending her was rash enough.
When the tsarina departed the night’s entertainment, her disregard and typical sour expression giving no indication if she had been dwelling on my attendance or not, others followed her lead.We remained until the performance ended.Having been deprived of amusement the bulk of the year, I did not eagerly surrender my seat.And although Alaina could not know of my prior trials, she probably guessed at my desire to enjoy being outside of her rooms without being confined to restrictive measures.As the crowd thinned, Alaina patted my shoulder, leaving her hand there to keep me seated until we were nearly the last in the room.Then she lifted her hand and stood.
She yawned, an impressive noise partnered with a shudder that shook her entire body, although she gracefully endeavored to keep both under control.Her eyes, red-rimmed and eager to hide behind her lids, betrayed her valiant efforts at staying awake.
I stood also, taking her cue, and she wrapped herself around my arm.She did not gesture or direct me, far beyond thought of managing me in the midst of her drowsiness.Fortunately, few people were about, and fewer people cared so late into the night.I led her through the public rooms and up through the wing to her apartment.She stumbled a few times, losing her grip on her dress, and when I did not think we would pass anyone else in the halls, I gathered her into my arms, confident it would result in fewer bruises and a faster return.
She curled up like a child and buried her fingers around a gold braid fastening.She snuggled her face into the blue brocade.When I adjusted her up against my shoulder, she tucked her face as much against my neck as she could between the fur and the collar.I squeezed her, keeping her tight against my chest, better now on my taloned feet than months ago.She was as light and as fragile as a bird herself, and I wished she could fly away home before someone in Ilyichia crushed her.
My initial motives consisted only of expedience and safety, but with her tucked against me and my arms put to pleasant service, I allowed myself to enjoy the brief connection and physicality this configuration offered.No one else could see it lest I reveal too much of my understanding, but I never wanted to put her down.It had been such a long time since I had held a woman in my arms, and this was a woman I wanted there.
I didn’t expect that in the lowest point of my life, my dearest and truest friends would reveal themselves, but despite all, I could be grateful for them.I loved Klessa and Drook and all my friends who made my initial fall from grace bearable.And I loved Alaina, who had made my second fall, this time from humanity, so much less lonely.
I loved Alaina.
