Page 42 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“You’re bringing me back to court?”
“I have to,” she said, taking her place on the stool.“You know how gossip spreads.Everyone will grow suspicious if I do not show you off.Who captures a firebird and then doesn’t display it?”
I almost pointed out that she hadn’t caught a firebird either, not a real one, but I did not think that observation would help.
“I know it will be difficult,” she said.“But no one will dare harm you or hurt you this time.”She took one of my hands in hers.“I will be beside you every moment.You won’t face anything alone.”
I would be beside her, but I would face everything alone.She offered no comfort.No one else might dare to hurt or harm me, but that did not apply to the tsarina herself, who would always find ways to wound.
“And maybe,” she said as if she were a coquettish girl and not my empress, “perhaps, if you need comfort, I could provide that for you too.After.”
I could agree, but then everything I had already suffered would have been for naught.I could tell her no yet again and suffer punishments anew.I had one other choice, the most reckless but the only one that offered me neither immediate hardship nor a future of sexual submission.If I could pull it off.
“This has all been so devastating,” I told her.“I think I might need a great deal of comfort.After.”
“I have missed you so much.”Her dark eyes met mine, and a small smile touched the corners of her mouth.Then it fell.“Why didn’t you just agree to begin with?You could have spared yourself all of this!”
“Grief.”
“My poor dear.”She stood and extracted her hands from mine.“I have obligations this afternoon.Be sure to eat and rest.”
I nodded obediently.
“I need you strong and healthy.”She paused at the doorway, her hope radiant.“I will see you later.”
In my solitude, I launched myself from the cot and bolted to the balcony door.I retraced the path down to the gardens and into the palace park.My heart crashed against my ribs.I was doing this.Again.
This time, without guards in pursuit, I had a chance of escape.I didn’t know where I would go beyond leaving the grounds.I didn’t have a hope of regaining my humanity.But I couldn’t stay.Not after everything.Not with the promise of display.And not with the certainty of being forced into the tsarina’s bed.
Maybe, probably, I would fail again.But I had to try.I would never stop trying.
Being marched throughthe audience chamber while the tsarina heard petitions ruined her day at least.My right wing throbbed, but watching the tsarina’s face cycle through confusion to rage to hurt made up for it just a little.And she couldn’t say anything about her reaction either, which also helped ease the burden of my failure.
I also spoiled her plans for introducing me back into court as her firebird.That brought me some joy too.With everyone hurrying out of the way of a massive mythic bird-creature, leashed though it may be, the tsarina could have no hope of presenting me with any pomp and grandeur later on.
A guard, followed by others as backup, led me in on a rope with my wings bound together and my wrists tied behind my back.A humbling position, but certainly not the worst I had endured of late.And strangely, though my condition and status had degraded from prince-in-costume to a menagerie creature with permanent beak and feathers, it was almost easier now not being the former Prince Mikhail.I didn’t have anyone to know me or feel shamed by me.I didn’t have to carry the burden of being stripped of my name as punishment.I didn’t have to bear the repulsion of former friends.Because, as far as anyone but the tsarina knew, I was just a wild creature newly captured.If someone poured kvass on me now, it was because they were a mean-spirited person who hated and harmed anything that came their way, not because it was me.It also meant that I had the luxury of pretending complete ignorance and disinterest as any other animal did in tedious human affairs.
“What is all this?”the tsarina asked, interrupting the man speaking.
The main guard brought me up to the tsarina, and I, contrary as ever, did not follow obediently.I had to be jerked along several times as I gave everything else my attention except the empress, ready to vent her displeasure.
“We found it out in the park, Your Majesty,” the guard holding my lead said.“It must have found a way out of your quarters.”
“You found it outside?”Her voice trembled.Her hands gripped the chair like she might tear the arms off.
“It fought re-capture with more strength than anyone imagined it possessed and took down five of us before it was subdued.”
“‘Took down,’” she repeated.“Killed?”
“No, Your Majesty, but severely wounded.Nikov won’t be able to use his legs for at least a few months, and Yonen has a punctured lung.Things might have turned out differently had Krintova not landed the shot that enabled us to take advantage.”
The tsarina stood from the chair, tension rippling off in huge, heavy waves.She did not have a thought to spare for me with her eyes trained on the guards.
“Krintova shot my firebird?”
“Only in the wing, Your Majesty.”The guard who had broken my nose stepped out from behind me and bowed.“I knew of its great importance to you.”
“Onlythe wing?”
