Page 101 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“Don’t be angry with me,” she said, misinterpreting my silence.“I need to feel as if I am doing something, anything, to aid our plight.After I sent it, I regretted it because I should have talked to you first.But the draw of being in Altania allured me so.And to have us both safely out of Ilyichia!That was a risk I needed to take.I had to take it, if it could be achieved.”
“I am not angry with you,” I assured her, not angry but deeply disturbed.
I could have warned her or talked her out of such a foolhardy idea.If she had just spoken to me before she sent it....After the chill of terror, the heat of panic took over.Perspiration poured from my temples.How did I protect her from her own folly?
“I am sure there’s something my brother can do,” she said.
“Did you explicitly mention me?”
“Of course.If I go back to Altania, you go with me.”
I lay there, mute in my horror, panicked in the knowledge that this would be found out, but silenced by my own unwillingness to shatter her hope before the manifest result of my certainties did it instead.
This was how I protected her, saved her, sacrificed myself for her.Surely, this would be it.I couldn’t claim to have written the letter.I couldn’t claim to have dictated it.But I could own that I was the reason for it, that I inspired her to write it.And surely, if I told the tsarina that I was the malcontent who manipulated his way to get the princess to pen a letter for his salvation, then surely, she could not be as angry with the princess as she was with me.If the princess was painted as nothing more than an easily swayed simpleton preyed upon by a scheming, vengeful prince, the tsarina would have to believe it, wouldn’t she?
I didn’t want to know what Alaina wrote about me.I could not imagine any description that would be innocuous or sufficiently understated yet realistic that would enable me to join her in any rescue.What loving, considerate, cautious brother would allow his sister’s strange pet to join her if that pet caused the insane jealousy of the one she fled?I wouldn’t allow any sibling of mine to bring something that would endanger the entire mission.Surely, he was not such a fool either.
“And, in Altania,” I queried, willing to indulge the fantasy for the moment since cold practicality could not change anything, “what will you do with me?”
“Anything you want!We will be free of her.For good.”
“You will be free,” I said.“But what of me?”
“No collars or leads or bells or cages, Kaylay.I promise.”
“Your brother may not trust me as you do.What if he insists on them?”
“He will trust me.And if I say you should not be kept that way, then he will oblige me.”
Her hope, her expectation, veered sharply toward the wishful and naive.But then, I did not think I would truly have to worry about being in Altania because I fully expected to die here.
“Are you not happy?”she asked.“She will not be able to harm us any longer.Please.Say you are happy.”
“I am happy for you,” I said as diplomatically as I could.It gave her hope when it came in such short supply.“I do not think it will be the happy change in circumstance you envision for me.”
“What aren’t you saying?What worries you?”
That Altania would only offer me the same shameful existence Ilyichia did.That Altania’s king would view me much like Ilyichia’s empress: a strange addition to a menagerie and no more.There was no promise that Altania would treat me with more dignity or care than I received here.Alaina would be there, but what assurance was that?She might have more power there, but she might not.
I hoped that I would be dead before it mattered.
“Please don’t keep me like she does,” I whispered.
“I wouldn’t.”Her voice, small and questioning, added, “Would you want to leave me?”
“I don’t know how I could stay with you.I am not built for court.I am not suitable for the wilds.Your brother, if he is sensible, will not want me to stay in your apartments.”
“I don’t have anyone else I trust as much.”She rubbed her cheek against my shoulder as if her wishing could change anything.“It won’t be the same.You can come and go as you please.And if you like, we will sit by the fire every evening and share stories as we do here.”
“Not if your brother says otherwise.You are as subject to his wishes as you are to the tsarina’s.”
She buried her face against my neck and grumbled.
“Maybe it won’t come to that,” I said.I brushed my hand over her head, smoothing her hair.“Maybe you’re right.Maybe things will be different after all.”
“It will be.It has to be.”She kissed my jaw.“You’ll see.Life is going to be so different for us.”
I didn’t doubt that our future would be different.I just didn’t know if it would be any better.
