Page 97 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“And so I am entitled to get my amusements when and how I see fit.And if I must play to the princess to get my small reprieves, then what of it?”I stretched out my arm and settled my hand over hers.“So long as I am available when you are, I do not see why it should matter that I use her.”
“You’re using her?”
“Do you think I enjoy spending time with that horrid little Altanian?”I scoffed.“You insult me.”
“And you surprise me.”
“Did you think that I had forgotten how court works?”
“Sometimes,” she said.The pinched creases of her mouth smoothed out and then twisted into a smile.“Are you using me, my dear?”
“I would if I could,” I said, “but I don’t think you could be used by me.You’re the only person who knows who I am.You’re the only one with whom I can truly be myself.”I shifted onto my side, folding my wing under me.I propped myself up on my elbow.“I know you don’t think I fully appreciate that, but I do.”
She continued to stare at me.She was trying to read me, to see what my motives were, to see if she could trust my words.But there was no obvious gain.
“How long do I have you today?”I asked.
“I do not have any obligations until tonight.”
“Might I suggest a change of configuration then?”I sat up and inched over to her.I grasped her hand as it lay beneath mine and squeezed.“Let me lead?”
Her eyes narrowed, and she sat a little straighter.
“I have been in such need,” I whispered like a confession.“It’s been too long since last you called me to you.”I raised her hand to my cheek.“Let me make you happy as I once did.”
I released her hand, but she kept it on my cheek.Instead, I brushed the backs of my fingers against her face, suggestive and gentle.
“I know I am not the man you wanted, not anym—”
“I have always wanted you.”
She stroked her hand down my face and neck.She stopped at the collar and traced her fingers over it.She paused when she reached the lead, tied up with Alaina’s blue hair ribbon.She unclipped it from the collar and tossed it behind her.
With no additional persuasion, the tsarina surrendered to my undressing of her and my ministrations.She cooed and moaned and shook and, at length, she lay contented, spent utterly.I made sure of it.
I left her only to take a long drink of water from the pail that was left for me.Like any considerate lover, I poured tea from the samovar into a prepared cup and brought it over to her, anticipating her thirst as well.I sat on the edge of the bed and held it for her as she propped herself up to drink.She drained the cup, and I returned it to its place beside the samovar.
“Lie with me?”she asked from the bed.
I slipped between the blankets, holding my arms open for her.She pressed herself against my chest and closed her eyes.It was a matter of minutes before she slept, but I remained a while longer to ensure that the sleeping draught I had prepared in her cup before she entered the room, taken from among her medicines, set in.
I pried myself out of her arms and abandoned the bed.At the doorway to her private gardens, I attempted to borrow her wool cloak, but it wouldn’t sit properly with the wings.
More incentive to be quick then.
I snuck out.My breath misted in the frosted air.Although snow had fallen, the frozen layer did not yield to my footsteps, and I breathed relief at not having left betraying tracks.I descended and followed the path the tsarina had first taken me on when I wore no feathers.When I reached the rose courtyard, I stopped just inside the doorway.
There were no roses on the bushes.There wouldn’t be now in the cold, of course.I had no experience with roses, but they were like any flower, weren’t they, even if they were magical?I should have known.But I wasn’t thinking of flowers or seasons.I was thinking of the game I could not win and hoping I could replicate the tsarina’s results in service to Alaina.Appallingly shortsighted and naive, my impulse had been well-meaning but ultimately pointless.What did I do without roses?
I may as well try anyway, after all the preparation to ensure this attempt.I hadn’t been guaranteed success even with roses in full bloom.I wasn’t a worthy supplicant anyway.Would a Kind and Fair with any power listen to a prince with no title, a man who wore the shape of a monster, and a convert of the Great Holy?
The basin in the middle of the bare bushes had frozen over, unreceptive and useless for an offering of blood.I addressed the nearest bush instead.I grasped a branch and pressed a fingertip into one of the thorns.It poked and sent a sharp pain through the finger, but it did not break my thickened skin.Instead, with my talons, I chose a place on the inside of my arm that would not be noticeable.The blood trickled out from the wound, and I wiped it up, transferring it to the branches.It soaked in, muted and negligible, a stark departure from the aesthetic tableau red blood on a backdrop of white snow should form.
“Please hear me,” I whispered to the wind.
I waited, no sound or sign forthcoming.Nothing indicated that I had connected with the Otherlands or found a willing ear among The Kind and Fair.How long did it take?It happened for the tsarina in minutes, but presumably she left offerings frequently.If it happened for me, would it happen now?Should I wait?
I gazed up at the palace, at the line of windows that comprised the tsarina’s apartments.She should be asleep for a couple hours, both from exertion and the tea.Still, I worried.
