Page 146 of Where the Heart Leads
She’d been looking for something to give her heart; it was there, shining in his eyes. “I think we should marry.”
Barnaby felt elation surge through him; looking into her dark eyes, he inwardly exulted.
Before he could react, she frowned. “I know it’s a startling suggestion, but if you’ll listen to my reasoning I believe you’ll see it’s a sound one, with significant benefits for us both.”
This was what he’d planned to achieve. He fought to keep his flaring triumph from his eyes; he wanted to hear all she had to say, all she was so willing to tell him. “You perceive me all ears.”
She frowned more definitely, unsure how to read his tone, but then drew breath and went on, “I know—as do you—that there’s a long list of logical, rational, socially dictated, and socially approved reasons we should wed.” She fixed him with a direct look. “But neither you nor I allow ourselves to be influenced by such considerations—I mention them purely to dismiss them, noting only that a marriage between us would be socially welcomed.”
His mother would be over the moon. He nodded and waited.
Her gaze lowered to his lips. “Weeks ago, you pointed out that we deal exceptionally well together. Privately, publicly, socially, and even more remarkably in the matter of our esoteric vocations. We can talk to each other about all subjects that interest us, and more, we enjoy doing so. We talk about things we never talk about with anyone else. We share ideas. We react to situations in the same way. We feel compelled by the same circumstances and to the same end.” Raising her eyes, she met his. “As I said at the time, we’re complementary. Everything that’s happened since has only underscored how correct that assessment was.”
She tilted her head, studied his eyes. “You, me—we’re not the same, but we—our lives—somehow fit together.”
You make me whole.She didn’t say the words, but they rang in his mind, conveyed as effectively as if she’d spoken them.
“Together we’re more—stronger than we are individually. If nothing else, these weeks have proved that.” She paused, then went on, “So I think we should marry, and continue the partnership we’ve started. For us, marriage won’t be a restriction, but instead will enable us to expand our partnership to encompass all the various aspects of our lives.”
Her lips firmed; through his hands on her back, he sensed the steely purpose that infused her. “That’s why I think we should marry. And that’s what I would wish for, if I had my way and you wished for it, too.”
Honest, direct, clearheaded, and determined; he looked into her eyes and saw all that and more. All he had to do was smile charmingly, pretend to be much struck by her proposition—her proposal—make some show of considering her arguments, and then gracefully accept.
And then she would be his and he’d have all he desired—without having to admit to, without having to reveal or acknowledge other than in his own mind, what drove him. What power had sunk its claws into his soul and now owned him.
Unfortunately…it seemed that power had other ideas.
Honest, direct, clearheaded, and determined…wasn’t enough. Him simply accepting would never be enough.
“Yes, we should marry.” The harshness of his voice made her eyes widen. Before she could start thinking, speculating, he said, “But…”
He tried, quite desperately, to censor his words, but with her in his arms, her dark eyes on his, it was suddenly imperative, more important than life, that she knew and understood, completely and utterly. “When we took our first steps into intimacy, if you’d been more experienced you would have realized that a man like me wouldn’t have touched you if I wasn’t thinking of marriage.”
Her eyes widened. She stared at him. A finite moment passed before she managed to enunciate, “Fromthen?”
He nodded, jaw setting. “Very definitely from then. You were a gently bred virgin, your brother’s sister—no honorable gentleman would have touched you,exceptthat I wanted you as my wife and you—at that point—were set against marriage. So I fell in with your wishes, but only because I had every intention of changing your mind.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You intended tomake me change my mind?”
Her tone made him snort. “Not even then, when I knew you less well, did I imagine I’d be able to do that.Icouldn’t make you change your mind, but I hoped, prayed, that you’d come to see that marrying me would be a good idea. That you’d convince yourself to change your stance. As you did.”
He’d expected her to follow his comments forward in time, to the present; instead—as he should have known she would—she retreated to the point he’d revealed, but hadn’t explained.
“Why did you want to marry me?” She frowned, genuinely puzzled. “Almost from the start of our association, before we grew to know each other well…what possessed you to decide you wanted to marry me?”
It took more than an inward squirm—more like an inner wrestle—to force the truth out. “I don’t know.”
When she stared at him, disbelief in her eyes, he reiterated, “Idon’t.” Jaw setting, he went on, “At that time, all I knew was that you were the one. I didn’t understand it—but I knew it just the same.”
“So definitely you acted on it?” She sounded…a touch fascinated.
A dangerous admission, but he forced himself to nod.
Her eyes, dark and luminous, softened. She tilted her head, her eyes on his. “And now?”
The ultimate question.
Looking into her eyes, he forced himself to speak. To confess and have done with it—to tell her all he’d never intended her to know. “I still don’t understand why any man in his right mind would tell any woman this, but…I love you. Before you walked into my life, I had no clue what love was—I saw it in others, even appreciated it in them, but I’d never been touched by it. So I didn’t know how it felt—would feel. Now I know.”
