Page 111 of The Tempting of Thomas Carrick
He looked down at the ground before him. “I was a boy, a male—I didn’t use the word ‘love.’ But that’s what I meant—I needed to remain in control of my life so that I could ensure I never again loved anyone to that extent. To the point where it opened up a vulnerability inside me—to where, if anything happened to that person, my heart would again be ripped in two.”
He exhaled, then raised his head. “That was the real reason behind my plan—it was my way of ensuring that I was never hurt again—and that’s why I clung to it so tenaciously.” His voice lowered. “And that’s why, above all other reasons, my carefully planned life could never include you.”
She looked at him.
He turned his head and met her gaze, and there was no screen in his amber-gold eyes, just an open heart and honesty. “You couldn’t be a part of my life because I knew I would care for you. In exactly the way I didn’t want to care for anyone. You were my Achilles’ heel, and I’ve known that for a very long time. I’ve felt the connection between us, the attraction, for as long as you have.”
She saw in his eyes that that was the truth, and her heart started to lift, to lighten.
His focus turned inward. “Over the last years, when you didn’t marry and it became clear that that attraction wasn’t fading, I deliberately avoided meeting you. But then the Bradshaws and everything else happened, and…you stepped past every barrier I erected, and I wasn’t strong enough to hold you back—or to hold myself back from you.” He paused, then with a tip of his head, admitted, “And, for a while, I fooled myself that a liaison would work. I wanted you and you wanted me, and as long as I never forgot my plan and the reasons behind it…I told myself that I would be safe.”
He looked down at his feet, and she got the impression that it was getting harder, not easier, for him to speak—to expose himself as he was.
He drew a short breath, and the planes of his face hardened. “But then, here, when I finally realized that I was teetering on the brink of giving up my plan, that…coercedby what I felt for you, blinkered and overwhelmed by yours and your Lady’s seductions combined, I was bordering on doing exactly what I had always held so strongly against…when I realized that, I panicked and fled.”
Thomas rolled straight on, giving himself no time to rein back the words, to censor them. “And in that, I was a coward, because I knew all along exactly what I was fleeing from, and why. I’ve always known the reason behind my plan—it was a conscious decision, not an unthinking, instinctive one. I knew I was running from…” He glanced briefly at her. “If not love, then the prospect of it. So I ran because, even after all these years, I was still too much of a coward to risk the pain of loving and losing again.”
Dragging in a tight breath, he shifted on the cold stone. “So I rejected you and hurt you. I turned my back on all that I might have had here and ran back to my tightly controlled, forever-to-be-safe life in Glasgow.”
Gazing, unseeing, at the rippling burn, he felt faintly lightheaded from the effort of forcing the words out, yet, at the same time, he felt curiously lighter, lightened—not precisely absolved, but as if, in cataloguing his actions aloud, he’d at least acknowledged his failings and had regained a measure of honor through that.
“And?”
Uttered in a quietly encouraging rather than imperious tone, her question slid across his mind.
The answer was there, obvious and true. “My carefully organized, eminently safe life didn’t fit me anymore.” Raising his gaze, he looked north and east, toward Glasgow. He filled his lungs, then shrugged. “Something happened while I was here—when I reached the city again, I wasn’t the same man who’d ridden south. I’d…tasted ambrosia, if you like. I’d sampled a different sort of life, one that suited me so much better than my carefully constructed life in the city. Living here, in the Vale by your side, satisfied me in ways that I hadn’t known were possible. Just those few days here opened up parts of my soul that I hadn’t known were there and filled them up.”
He turned his head and met her eyes. “You asked me why I’m here. I came because I’ve changed my mind. I want to claim all you offered me—the position by your side. To be your lover, your defender and protector, your consort—your husband.”
He’d hoped to see…forgiveness, compassion, perhaps even sympathy in the emerald green. Instead, all he saw was a shield—an impenetrable screen he’d never seen before. She’d never screened herself from him before. The realization rocked him, but almost immediately his instincts steadied him; he’d known she wouldn’t make this easy.
He hadn’t known she could cut him off so completely—hold him so much at a distance.
Instead of directly replying to his statement, still holding his gaze, she slowly—imperiously and a touch arrogantly, too—arched her fine brows. “So you ran from love? Does that mean you love me?”
He’d hoped against hope that she wouldn’t ask, yet he’d known she would. He thought of simply saying yes, but…after what he’d done, lying to her seemed a very bad idea. He searched her eyes yet saw nothing; it was as if she held a reflective screen between him and all hint of her feelings. He felt his jaw clench but forced himself to say, “The only honest answer I can give is that I don’t truly know. I’ve avoided love—steadfastly and concertedly—for twenty years, all my adult life. I don’t know what love looks like, feels like. I don’t know that love for you doesn’t already live inside me—I only know that, if I remain here, with you, it might and most likely will.”
Truth. Absolute truth. And no matter what it cost him; that was what he’d vowed during the ride there to give her. He owed her that, at least. And so he went on, “You ask whether I love you. While I can’t answer that, I can say that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot exist—not as I wish to exist—without you.” He dragged in a breath and forced the rest of his declaration—the only one he could, with complete honesty, give—from his chest to his lips. “I now know that, after this, after returning here, if you refuse me and my suit and send me away, that I won’t go far.”
A short, rather hollow laugh slipped past his guard and expanded on the words “I’m so in thrall to you that I seriously doubt I would ever be content with letting you out of my sight, my reach, my keeping. Even if you didn’t want me close, I would still be here, compelled to be here to keep watch over you.”
“I did tell you that you couldn’t escape.” Calmly, she turned from him. Returning her gaze to her hands, she snipped a leafy branch. “Precisely because youare, in truth, my consort, my protector and defender, you will always feel that way. I warned you that it’s not possible to avoid the effects of what links us.”
So she was going to be difficult; he supposed he deserved that. All but gritting his teeth, he pointed out the convoluted logic behind her statement. “Being your consort, your protector and defender, isn’t what links us.”
She gave a little nod, as if he’d passed some test. “No, it’s not. Those qualities are consequences, not the cause.”
When she said nothing more, he narrowed his eyes on her face and quietly asked, “So what does link us?”
She had the answer ready. “A power greater than any other—and one even less likely to let you go.”
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “So what am I supposed to take from that? That because I feel so strongly about protecting you, I must be in love with you?”
When she didn’t answer, he spread his arms in appeal. “What do you want me tosay, Lucilla? I can’t claim to love you if I don’t know that I do.”
She didn’t respond, just cut another bloody branch; his temper was starting to fray. Then he remembered. “Manachan said something on that last afternoon we were there, when he was convincing me to bring you back to the Vale. He told me that I needed to learn to think with my heart as well as my head. I didn’t understand then, but now perhaps I do. I tried—with everything in me, I tried—to keep my heart closed against you. And I failed. This connection between us, whatever it might be, isn’t something my heart will allow me to walk away from.” He tried to bite back the next words, but they tumbled out. “It certainly wasn’t my head that brought me back to your side.”
He saw a faltering in her shield—a brief primming of her lips as if she struggled to hold back a smile.
