Page 104 of The Tempting of Thomas Carrick
His eyeshadopened, and he wouldn’t ever be able to close them again.
He was no longer able to pretend that any lady there would suit him.
In his heart, he knew only one ever would.
The epiphany—its depth, breadth, and completeness—left him reeling.
Thiswas the trap—the real trap—one fashioned by his own self-will, his own…cowardice.
His head spinning, he managed to maintain a mask of languid bonhomie while he made his way out of the crush to the side of the room. He found a small space on the edge of the crowd where he could expand his lungs and drag in a tight breath.
There isn’t anyone else for me or for you—and there never will be. If you turn your back on me, on us, on all we might be, there will be no other chance—not with anyone else, not in any other place.
She had warned him, but he’d thought she’d overstated her case.
Now he knew she hadn’t.
It was impossible to even think of spending more than a few minutes with any other woman; the thought of being intimate with any of them simply left him cold.
Chilled and alone.
She’d warned him that misery would dog his steps; he’d thought she’d been indulging in hyperbole.
And, indeed, it wasn’t so much misery as emptiness—a widening, deepening pit of lonely yearning that nothing, it seemed, could ease, much less fill.
He’d left his heart and soul behind when he’d ridden out of the Vale. Standing in the middle of Glaswegian society, he had to face the fact thatthatwas what it felt like—that that was how leaving the Vale had affected him.
This wasn’t his place; there was nothing for him here. His true place, the role he needed to fill—for his own sake, let alone anyone else’s—was not here.
That role, his rightful role, the only one that would satisfy him, lay south, in the Vale. By her side.
Along with his soul that the land had claimed and the heart he now realized he’d left behind.
Did he love Lucilla?
He honestly didn’t know.
Did he crave her unrelentingly?
Yes.
She’d been a potent lure hooked under his skin and deep in his psyche for over a decade, and as they’d matured, her attractiveness and his awareness of it had only grown.
Could he, in all honesty, envision a life—a future—that did not include her?
The answer to that, a resounding negative, resonated through him.
He refocused on the crowd before him; regardless of how sophisticated, elegant, beautiful, charming, and powerful they might be, every minute he spent in their company only served to emphasize the truth. To him, they and their community were without substance; they didn’t matter to him. And more, here in their company,hewas a mere shadow of who he could be.
If he wanted the chance to live a fulfilling and meaningful life, if he wanted to reclaim his heart and his soul, he would have to go back, face Lucilla, and do whatever he had to do to reclaim the position she’d offered him and that he’d so arrogantly and misguidedly spurned.
He had to change his course.
Now, tonight.
He dragged in a huge breath.
From the time he’d left the Vale, no matter what he’d tried, the power behind that urge to return had been growing, minute by minute, hour by hour, until now,nothingbut that urgent need to return seemed important.
