Page 88 of Between Desire and Denial
“I’m fine.” Lucille took a deep breath before she squeezed my hand in hers and let it go so she could grab part of the fountain pen. “Did you open it?”
I frowned and looked down. “What are you talking about?”
She sighed before she carefully unscrewed a part of it and in there was a small rolled-up scroll. I frowned as Lucille pulled it out and handed me the tiny paper. “Your mother was always creative. She loved her calligraphy, you know. She wanted you to have this letter when it was time.”
“Time for what?” I stared down at the letter Lucille held out to me but didn’t take it from her. My hands shook as I stood and stepped back, away from the weight of what that note might hold.
“She said once you came home, Olive Bee, came back to her, it would be time for you to read it.”
“I don’t… Maybe I’m not home for good,” I blurted out.
Lucille frowned. “You’re starting a family, no?”
“I don’t… I don’t know.” I gasped at the words I let fall from my lips, because they were the truth. I might have been playing pretend with Dimitri, but I didn’t know anymore. “I… I truly don’t know if I’m ready for any of it.”
“Oh, sweet girl.” Lucille stood and pulled me into her arms. For some reason, the fears and the pain and the trauma of what I’d been through flowed out of me. I let Lucille hug me and share the weight. I let my old friend shoulder some of the pain my heart had held on to, and sharing it felt like I could breathe for just a second.
“Let it out, Olive Bee. No one’s supposed to bottle any of this up.” Lucille hurried me over to the waiting area. We sat downtogether as she said, “She wanted you to go where your soul desired until you were ready to be back here. You’re ready for all of it now.”
She pulled my hand into her lap and opened my closed fist softly before placing the rolled-up paper in my hand. “Read it.”
A mother takes care of her family, Olive Bee.
You needed to see the world and I hope you did. I hope you flew through it and saw every corner.
I didn’t tell you about the Diamonds because as a child I wasn’t afforded the opportunity to live without the responsibility of being a part of the Diamonds. I wanted different for you and Knox.
The Diamond Syndicate and your father agreed. I hope they’ve upheld their end of the bargain. Your responsibility should have only been to love life and live it how you wanted. You’d come back when you were ready for the responsibility of more. It seems you have.
I trust you to make the Diamond Syndicate what you believe it should be for the next generation. Now, you’re home.
“What does this mean?” Her words flowed through my veins, filling in gaps of pain and questions of the secrets she’d kept but they left stains of more questions, droplets of fear of the responsibility that I knew shouldn’t be mine.
Picking at the tweed of the white skirt she was wearing, Lucille sighed. “Being a part of this influential society meansmaking hard decisions. She didn’t want that pressure placed on you before you’d seen the world, found out who you were—”
“I still don’t know who I am.” I cut her off with what I shouldn’t have admitted. I shook the note in my hand. “I truly have no idea. And I make terrible decisions, Lucille. I was sleeping with my professor, and he cheated on me. Did you know that?” I don’t know why my mouth decided to blurt that out, but the rambling couldn’t be contained as panic set in. “I mean, did you hear Melly the other night? I’m chaos and don’t know up from down, Lucille. I can’t even keep the plants alive in front of our house. I’m noncommittal to a fault. I can’t decide if I want to be a journalist or hair stylist, if I want to be here or not, if I want to be with Dimitri or not, and if I’m capable of having a b—” I stopped. Lucille and Zen were both leaning in like they were watching the good part of a movie and taking notes.
“Oh, honey.” Lucille cleared her throat, frowning like she was disappointed. “That isn’t being noncommittal at all. That’s just figuring out what you’re willing to commit to. Thank God it’s not a professor who doesn’t treat you well. Who cares if you can’t keep a plant alive? Just means you have the wrong plants in your yard. Which reminds me, we’ll get some cacti for you. Start there. Much easier in this type of climate, I promise. Plus, you’ll need to learn to be a bit pricklier now.”
“What for?” I shook my head in confusion.
“The hard decisions are made with the weight of the responsibility that comes with them. You’ll have to embrace that. You should have, quite frankly, when Melly was being a little witch the other night.”
I looked toward the ceiling and recalled what I read in that book. They were making huge monetary decisions that impacted millions socially and personally. I tried not to be rude as I told her, “This isn’t for me, Lucille. I can’t be a part of this. My mother was wrong if she thought—”
“Your mother wasnotwrong. If you weren’t nervous, I’d be worried,” Lucille said. “You’re ready for anything life throws at you now, Olive Bee. I know you are because I heard about how you handled Melly at that grill out.
“What did you hear? Because all that happened was I went to cry in the woods!” I threw up my hands.
“Yes.” She patted my hand. “Good. You still feel all the things you should. Let yourself feel them. Your mom was concerned about that.”
“Concerned about what?”
“Well, that you would bottle it all up. It’s my thought you should let the anger out a bit more though. It’s what you did in the woods after. I heard you made it known who you’re with. It was quite clear, my dear. So, sometimes it pays to be prickly, like the cacti I’m going to help you grow.” She smiled to herself like she’d just given me the best advice. “Anyway, you’ll learn to be as you make hard decisions with us as time goes on. We’ve made partnerships with extremely large companies. Your grandparents and their grandparents are—”
“Are intertwined. I saw in the book and did the research to piece together what’s happening.”
“So you know,” Lucille reached out for the water Zen brought in a clear pitcher and poured some in two glasses she set down. “We can influence state ordinances, make sure some people have more power and—”
