Page 122 of Between Love and Loathing
“Do you like it?” he asked, and I genuinely think he needed to know, as he stood there with his brow actually sweating.
“If I said I didn’t?” I turned to him finally as I pried my eyes from the bookshelf.
“I’d stay up all night changing it like you did for me.”
“Right. You hated that I’d changed it.”
He hummed.
“You hated me and a lot of the things I did when I first moved here,” I reminded him but a smile was forming on my face that I couldn’t hide because a feeling was growing in me that I couldn’t hide either: trust and comfort along with my love. I realized Dominic created perfection for me, did all this for me. And he did it for me despite the hell I gave him.
“Hated you?” he asked, taking a step toward me.
“Well, yeah. I don’t know.” I shrugged.
“Don’t know?” He smiled as he rocked back on his heels and stuck his hands in his trouser pockets before he said quietly, “You know, when I heard the will being read, I hated that I couldn’t get rid of your bakery the second it was put in my resort. I hated that you tried to infect the rest of my resort with your flair. I hated how I agreed. I hate that now whenever I walk in that place, I smell your signature cupcakes and your damn coffee that I literally crave. I hated that I went to bed wondering where you were, I hated that I woke up searching for your body next to mine, I hated you. I hate that I hurt you, I hate that I can’t take it back, that I can’t let you go, that I’m not even considering it at this point. I hate that you deserve someone better than me.”
I tried to stop him there with tears streaming down my face at his words.
He held up a hand. “But you’re not going to get it, Clara, because I’ll kill another man. Do you get that? I’m no better than the men I’ve judged who lost their tempers in jealousy. And I’m not joking with you about it.”
“Dom—” I started.
He paced back and forth now. “I mean it. You think Valentino will survive without his precious restaurant up there? You go on another date with him, I’ll close it down. I’ll destroy him in any way I know how.” I tsked to chastise him but he wasn’t listening. He was still pacing. But then he stopped to glare right into my eyes. “You’ve brought out my emotions, good and bad. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve owned it. Iloatheyou, little fighter, and that’s how I know I love you.”
“You hate that you love me?” I whispered.
“Absolutely. I loathe how much I love you, Clara. I hate color, and yet I’m obsessed with everything you wear. I don’t like to eat sugar, but I’ll devour anything you put on a plate in front of me. I’m exhausted, but I’ll stay awake thinking about you just to catch one more thought of you running through my mind. What is that? Love? Because I loathe it. Loathe that I know I can’t live without it, that I want it for the rest of my life with every fiber of my being.”
“Well, I loathe that I love you too.” I said it softly, feeling everything that he was. He was as scared to lose himself to this feeling of love we were both feeling. I pushed him away because I didn’t want to find out later he loved me for something I really wasn’t or couldn’t be. Really, though, I was just scared to love him without that love back.
Love is a risk. We might hate taking the risk but we won’t feel the love unless we do.
“So, when I get down on one knee, will you loathe saying yes?”
I bit my lip and then smiled as I said, “I will. But at least I’m owning it.”
EPILOGUE - CLARA
With every happy ending, there’s a new beginning, and with every up there's a down, a yin to the yang, an opposite to attract.
Dominic and I went through the ups to our downs. It was only three months later, I found out that he’d signed on to be my kidney donor. And that I needed his kidney. Lupus affected us daily, sometimes in a tiny way and sometimes in a big way. That day, it’d been a big down. Catastrophically big.
We’d fought about him giving me an organ for days but, in the end, he wouldn’t lose that fight. Within a week’s time, his whole family was there acting like I was a part of the family too. His parents hovered around, his brothers and sisters made themselves at home, and no one listened to him at all when he yelled that he wanted them all to go home. They stayed and were there for us through the surgery. It was a testament to the highs coming with the lows. I had a new family that would always be there for me.
And kissing him before surgery, crying in his arms, that might have been a down. But seeing him wheeled into my hospital room after the surgery, that was a ginormous up. Especially when that gorgeous man smiled at me, laced his fingers through mine and said, “Well, I owed you my life, and now I got to give you back yours. Guess I’m a part of you now, huh, little fighter?”
We were back in our home healing, but after five weeks, I’d felt ready to get back to work. After three more, the bakery was back to normal. And we both were living a healthy life.
Although Dominic didn’t seem to understand that I was able to do anything with that life even on the days he was supposed to be flying around the world while I handled our wedding preparations.
“What are you doing?” I heard his voice at the front of Sugar and Spice Bakery.
“Why are you here?” I questioned as I set the finishing touch on the cupcakes I was making.
“No. That’s not the question. Why the fuck are you here?” he growled as he walked in and then around the counter to the kitchen door to shove it open angrily.
“Don’t be a grouch, Dom,” I mumbled but didn’t look up because I was concentrating on frosting the last cupcake.
