Page 140 of Already At Risk
And that was the achingly sad truth of it all, wasn’t it? How badly I wanted this to be our normal? How badly I wanted a reality where he’d call me at the end of a long day, his husky voice in my ear saying, “Hey, baby,” when I picked up the phone.
We’d talk about mundane things like the weather and the little idiosyncrasies of our lives. He’d ask me about Chloe because he so evidently cared about her, and I’d tell him, fill him in on everything that he’d missed since the last time we talked. Like if Annabeth had terrorized my brothers that day or if Chloe had learned anything new at skating. He’d ask me if I’d eaten enough, and I’d ask him if he watched any baseball before bed. He’d tell me if he’d been reading anything new from Juniper’s little work library, and I’d giggle at his answer. Maybe he’d whisper dirty words in my ear, or maybe he wouldn’t. Because our relationship would be more than that. We’d be more than that.
But we couldn’t be that, not right now.
“I did,” Cameron said so nonchalantly that it left me wondering if we were talking about the same text. “I saw you think we should end things.”
You think.
Oh, God, he was going to fight for this, for us, wasn’t he?
That was something I hadn’t expected, though I maybe should have. It was just that Cameron was usually so respectful, so good at abiding by the boundaries I put in place. I assumedthat if I told him we were done, he’d walk away without a second thought.
“I just have one question to ask you about that, Sunshine,” he continued, and I sank further into my bed, trying to hide from the inevitability of this conversation and the slight pain that lingered in his words.
“What?” I squeaked out.
“Did you send me that because Korey found out that I’ve been spending time with you and Chloe, or did you send that because you really want to end this?”
I sucked in, surprised that he’d both known and seen right through me, and Cameron went on.
“Yeah, I started to wonder, you know? Why would she send me something like that after just last night begging me not to leave? And then today, I had that meeting with Korey and his lawyer—” I sat up in bed, slapping a hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t interrupt him. Butshit. “And it went exactly how you could probably guess it went.”
“Oh my God,” I gasped. “I completely forgot that was today. Cameron, I’m so sorry. If I had remembered, I would have called you this morning to?—”
“It’s okay,” he cut in, all suave and unbothered as usual. “It’s all going to be okay, Natalie. Just answer the question, please. Did you send that text because you’re worried about Korey? Or do you want to reevaluate our relationship and arrangement for another reason? If you do…it’s alright. I just need to know.”
His voice strained to get the last part out, letting me know that no, it wouldn’t be alright. But, like I originally assumed, he’d respect boundaries if I put them in place.
I released a breath, loud enough that Cameron could likely hear the whoosh of air attacking the phone speaker.
“I sent it because of Korey,” I admitted before rushing to add, “I’mworried, Cameron. About you, about the case. Why didn’t you tell me that you were up for a promotion?”
“Ah,” he sighed, sounding a little disappointed. But not necessarily in me. “How’d you find out about that?”
“Gemma, from Noah.” I sighed, too, staring up at my ceiling fan, watching it go round and round. A heat wave had hit Boston this week, and even inside, the air felt thick and sticky, making worry and anxiety cling to me like a second skin. “She told me about Korey showing up at skating and mentioned your promotion because she had the same worries. And I felt foolish that I hadn’t known. Cameron, I don’t want you to jeopardize advancing your career over this. That’s amazing that you’re so close to taking that step at your firm.”
“Oh, baby.” Cameron gave a husky chuckle, something that made my insides tingle. “If what we’ve been doing is discovered, with proof, it’s not just the opportunity of junior partner that I’d be losing. There’s a chance I could be disbarred.”
“You’d be—” My jaw dropped, my breath leaving my body. I sat up straight in bed. “What? Cameron,no.”
How selfish could I be? Why had I not thought to look into it myself, research the consequences of what we’d been doing? I’d foolishly assumed that since Cameron had been so confident about it, so unworried and sure and everything Cameron normally was, that it wasn’t anythingquiteso serious. I’d known it wouldn’t be good, but I hadn’t realized it would be so terribly bad, either.
“I—I—” I couldn’t even form words, my brain spinning too fast, my stomach sinking rapidly, falling into a pit of guilt. I clutched my abdomen out of the possibility I was going to be sick. “We can’t do this,” I gasped, somehow finding my voice. “You could lose your ability to practice law? After everything you’ve worked towards, following in your dad’s footsteps? Oh my God, Cam.” I choked on the dense, humid air. “We shouldn’t have—Ishouldn’t have?—”
“Hey,” he cut in, his voice sharp enough that it cut straight through my panic and hit me square in the chest. “Breathe, Mama. Take a deep breath.”
I listened. Because when Cameron told me to do something, I knew it would make me feel better. It always did.
My breathing grew easier, though only marginally. I closed my eyes, forcing air in and out of my lungs. I could hear Cameron breathing, too. And then his calm voice as he encouraged me. “That’s it. Just breathe, Sunshine. I wish I was there to hold you, but you’re doing a good job. I can tell. Take another one for me?”
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me, and funneled more air into my body, which helped to slow the rapid pace of my pulse.
“Good girl,” Cameron murmured, even gentler. “None of that now. I knew what I was doing, and I chose to do it. None of this is on you. Got it?”
I heard him, and I understood what he was saying, but I couldn’t just let this go. “But Cam?—”
“Everything will be fine,” he assured me, and I just had no idea how he possessed justsomuch confidence all the time. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would react like this. And Natalie—” He broke off, releasing a resigned sigh. Like whatever he was about to say was a truth he couldn’t avoid, even if he wanted to. He dropped his voice, so it hit deep. “Natalie, Iwantedyou. I still do. You have no?—”
