Page 66 of Kiss Me Lady One More Time
He looked back at her. “You said your parents are disappointed that you were not a boy. It struck a chord—except that’s the only thing I did right. I was born the heir, but I was too small, or too thin, or too fast or I read too much and neglected my languages. I didn’t enunciate clearly or shoot cleanly or show the right amount of respect. I never had a kind word from them. Not one. I avoided them if I could.”
“It sounds horrid,” she whispered.
“I don’t know if I can convey what it feels like, to try and try but to always be labeled a failure. It’s wildly frustrating and then you start to alternate between fury and despair and bleak helplessness. I lashed out—and made things worse. I withdrew—and made things worse. I thought I would go mad, butting up against the brick wall of their united scorn—so one day, I just . . . gave in.”
“What did you do?”
“I did as they said. I agreed with everything they said. My father grew encouraged and took me under his wing. He taught me who was important and who was not. I learned and acted accordingly. I stood at his side and learned to read a room, to pick out the weak parts of a man and exploit them. I learned to skirt the truth, stay on just this side of a lie. I watched him maneuver and plot and revel in his machinations and those of his cronies.”
“I cannot imagine it.”
“I am thankful for that,” he sighed. “The rub of it was, I didn’t feel any better. I didn’t value anything he taught me, couldn’t see any virtue in such a selfish, cold way of life. I was still miserable. And my parents, well, they were satisfied that I wasn’t in open rebellion, but there was still no warmth, no real approval—”
“No love.”
He laughed bitterly. “No.”
“What did you do?”
“I left. My father had been schooled at home, and thought that fine enough for me, but I used what he taught me. I convinced him that going to school would give me contacts and relationships that would be useful for all of my life.”
“And you were right.”
“I was, thank heavens. Somehow, we all found each other. None of us were perfect. We all had problems of our own. But we supported each other. Listened. Helped. Teased unmercifully,” he said with a laugh. “We taught each other how to become men of worth. We are family. Steadfast support. We never wavered, not once. Until now.”
She didn’t argue and he was grateful for it.
A beat of silence stretched out longer.
“It’s why I cannot fail,” he whispered. I can’t let my failure taint the relationships I have with them. I can’t let Tensford down. The thought of it . . .” He swallowed down a surge of nausea.
“I’ve done all I could to help you resolve that,” she said steadily. “You’ve had my support—and everything else that lives between us. And still, you push me away.”
“Yes! Can you not see why?”
“No. I can’t.”
He began to circle the tree. “I’ve never gone back, you see. My father—both of my parents, really—have been furious at my dereliction. He cannot disinherit me, but neither does he have to support me. And so, he does not. I have almost nothing right now. A small allowance. Enough to get by in bachelor’s rooms, with one man of all work, a careful caretaking of my wardrobe and damnably little to spend on anything else.” He threw out his hands. “Shall I ask you to accept such a standard of living?”
“My dowry—”
“No!” He turned away. “I am no fortune hunter. I chose this path. I have to make myself into the man I want to be. I’ve made a start,” he assured her. “But there will have to be much hard work and even then, it’s a gamble. After tonight—”
“Yes, tonight. Sterne—we’ve found my cousin. We must go after him today—before he can slip away.”
He frowned. “Even if you are correct and Lycett did have a hand in the theft—he must have done it at Stillwater’s behest. Either way, we’ll find that fish at the event, tonight.”
“What if we do not?”
“We will! Everything we’ve discovered has pointed that way.”
“Not everything,” she countered.
“We have to find it tonight,” he said urgently. “I need this over with so that I can pursue the opportunities that await me. Only then will I be in a position to honorably offer for you.”
She stepped closer. “That is not true. I’m not asking for perfection. I’m a worker. A fighter. I could work right along by your side, building our life.”
“No. Can’t you see it wouldn’t be safe?”
