Page 132 of Wrecked
Utterly broken.
I don’t understand! The relief I felt when Ellie was rescued was indescribable. I felt like I was given a second chance to be a better sister. Like some higher power gave me my best friend back so that I could make things right.
Then she disappeared without a trace. Without a phone call. Without a goodbye. She left us hurting the same day she brought us healing. I was crushed…but she was still alive. That was the most important part.
It turns out she had been living only an hour away this whole time. It turns out she waspregnantand gave birth to a baby girl.
How is that possible? She’s only been home for eight months. Why wouldn’t she tell us? Why did she run? Why did she leave again?
Why did she take her life?
God, those words destroy my soul. To know that she was hurting so badly, that she was in so much pain, she would endher own life. That she didn’t feel like she could come to me, talk to me. Why would she leave me like this?! Why would she put me together, just to break me again?!
The police didn’t have any answers for me other than to hand me her letter.
They said she took her life and left a baby girl behind. A baby I’m supposed to pick up from child protective services. I haven’t even had time to grieve, to mourn this stupid, selfish decision of hers. I’ve been trapped in a state of shock, unable to pull myself out of it. Unable to comprehend what is happening.
I don’t want to believe it.
I can’t believe it.
They told me I have to identify her body. Herbody. Because she is dead, no longer here, living or breathing. I can’t grasp any of it. I already grieved her! I already lost her! She doesn’t get to do this to me again! I hardly survived her death two years ago. Why would she do this? Why wouldn’t she come to me for help!?
I get into my car and slam my hands against the steering wheel. My horn blares loudly, causing several officers to look over at my vehicle and assess the situation.
“FUCK!” I cry out, finally breaking. Even though I hadn’t seen her since that day in the hospital, she was still here. She was still alive. I knew she would come to me in time. I just didn’t know it would be through asuicide letter.
My hands shake as I look at the envelope I’m holding. It’s no longer sealed, the cops needed to read it for evidence. I pull out the contents, and the paper flutters in my trembling hands. I unfold it and find a diamond heart necklace tucked in the middle, one that looks like a smaller version of the necklace from that Titanic movie. I set it aside and look down at the paper.
I let out a sob when I see her handwriting.
Her handwriting.
She really wrote this. These are her final words to me. God, that hurts to say. I take a deep breath, steeling myself for whatever it says, then glance down at the paper and begin to read.
Dear Katie,
By the time you read this, you’ll already know that I am gone. I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you this way. You’re my big sister, and I will always love you. But I also need you to know the truth…
I need you to know that I would never intentionally hurt you. I would never put myself in the position to take something or someone you love. The problem was, you loved Nate Westin…and I loved him first.
We fell in love when I was sixteen years old. Back when he had plans of escaping his father, and I feared going home every night. He saved my life, Katie. He saved me from Chris. He saved me from myself. He’s the reason I had twenty-seven years on this earth.
I signed up to tutor, not knowing I would be assigned to the love of my life. It was more than that, honestly. It was two souls finding their other half. We quickly fell in love. We didn’t even stand a chance. Not your normal teenage love either, it was a love that transcended space and time. A love gifted to us by destiny. We were each other’s lifelines. He kept me safe and protected, and I gave him a reason to stay. We had found the one person in this world that was made to be ours.
Nathaniel found out about us and did everything in his power to keep us apart. He threatened Nate, threatened our family, and threatened you. Nate did what he thought he had to, to protect us. He left me. Broken and confused.
But he always had plans to come back for me.
Crashing on that island gave us a second chance. I know that probably hurts to hear, but I can’t lie to you anymore. I loved him at sixteen. I loved him when he was yours. And I loved him when he took his final breath. It’s the kind of love you can’t live without.
I would have left so much sooner, if it weren’t for my sweet girl, Luna.
The result my nurse wanted to talk about that day in the hospitalwas my pregnancy test. Nate and I have a beautiful baby girl named Luna. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but I can’t regret her. I won’t regret him. I wish I could stay for her, but Nate is waiting for me in another life. I need to go meet him now. As much as I want to stay, the pain of life is unbearable. Breathing hurts. Eating hurts. Existing hurts.
My head…my head isn’t right, Katie. My thoughts are not healthy.I don’t want to be alive anymore. There is no amount of medicine or therapy that will change that. This has been a lifetime struggle that has only ever been tempered by Nate.
I know what I am doing is selfish. It’s not some grand romantic gesture. It’s a very real picture of depression and anxiety. One I’ve disguised my whole life. My other half is gone, and I can’t live in a world without him. I feel peace in knowing he is waiting for me on the other side.
