Page 130 of Wrecked
“I have to ask you…because you came in with several men. Is the father of this baby Nathan Westin? Or did those men keep you on that ship longer than you feel safe telling me?”
I press my hands to my belly. Baby. There is a baby in there. Our baby. “Nate is the father,” I sob.
“Okay, honey. Can I get you anything? Do you want me to grab your family? The chaplain?” she asks, her eyes filled with concern.
“Can you…” I stop short, knowing how badly this is going to hurt my sister. “Can you tell my family that I don’t want visitors anymore? That I will reach out when I am ready, but they are no longer welcome here?”
The nurse stares at me for several long seconds. She nods her head, her eyes pained. For me. For my family. I don’t know. “Sure, honey. I’ll let them know.”
Three days later,I left the hospital against medical advice. The police had already interviewed me. They started the process to bring me back to life. I was issued a new social security card. A new identification card. It was like everything that happened was just erased.
As soon as I left the hospital, I hopped on a bus with nothing but the clothes on my back. I didn’t look back. I applied for a job at a hospital in my home state and interviewed for it today. It went well, so I should be working again soon. I haven’t called my family yet, and I likely won’t. Not until…not until it’s time.
I walk down the grassy field toward a set of two headstones, the marble sparkling underneath the sun. It’s jarring to see your name on one of these things, but I don’t hate it.
I sit down on top of Nate’s plot, noting his name on the stone.
Nate.
Just as it should be. I’m not sure who did that, maybe Emmy? Either way, I’m pleased to see it. I know that Nate isn’t here. His ashes likely sit on my sister’s mantle somewhere. But this is the only place I feel like I can talk to him. I know he is here with me because he is with me everywhere.
“Hi, baby,” I whisper. “I miss you so much. I miss you in a way that feels lethal.” My eyes fill as I consider a life without him. “You’re going to be a daddy, Nate. I found out at the hospital. We are having a baby.” I cry softly, trying not to disturb his peace. “You would have been the best daddy. Can you imagine? Raising our little jungle baby?” I laugh through my tears, running my hand over his last name etched into the soft stone. “She will have your last name. I…I can’t…no, I won’t hide who she belongs to. I won’t hide whoIbelong to.” Never again. He was mine, and I don’t care who knows it.
“I think…I think she’s a girl. I just have this feeling, maybe intuition, that I am carrying your little girl.” I sob, wishing more than anything he could be a part of her life. “I’m only two months along, so we still have a while to go. I’ll bring her here to see you when she gets here, I promise.” The gut-wrenching pain of losing him is starting to overwhelm me once again.
“I’m so sorry, Nate. I’m sorry that I left that morning. If I would have known, if I had any idea… I just wanted to save you. I wasn’t ready to let you go. Honestly, I’d never be ready to let you go.” I sniffle, trying to regain control of my emotions. “I know you forgive me, because that’s just who you are. I know when I see you again, you’ll tell me you weren’t scared or worried, and that you died painlessly. You’ll tell me all that because you love me…you love me so much that you never want to cause me pain. I was so careless not to do the same. I’ll never forgive myself for not being there for you when you needed me the most.” I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt and brush off some of the dirt on my pants. “I’ll spend the rest of my life missing you, baby.” No matter how long or short that life is.
“I look to the sky every night and wonder what spot you picked out for us. There is this one star—it always twinkles when I look at it. I think that’s where you are, telling me you’re watching over me.Over us. Me and your baby girl.” A little girl that will never get to meet her daddy in this lifetime.
“I imagine you’re biding your time with your grandma and grandpa, watching them dance to their song.Our song.” I smile through my tears at the notion. “I can’t wait to dance with you in the stars, baby.” I lay my head against the cold, damp stone and sit with him for hours. Not talking, not crying, just…being together. Eventually the sun sets, so I pull myself away from his grave and walk back to my car. Tears fall from my eyes as I drive away, knowing this is the last time I will visit until our baby is here.
CHAPTER 53
ELLIE (27 YEARS OLD)
Ifinish writing my letter and fold it into thirds, sealing it in an envelope. I write Katie’s name on the front with a black sharpie, setting it on my dining room table so it can be found easily.
I walk into the bedroom to check on my sweet girl. She’s been asleep for hours…this is a new development. Usually, she cries throughout most of the night, keeping the whole apartment complex awake.
She stirs when the hallway light filters into her room from the small crack in the doorway. I step inside and close it behind me, pausing to make sure she doesn’t wake up. When she settles again, I creep forward until I am standing over her, preparing to give her my silent goodbye.
She’s so beautiful, but looking at her is almost painful. I can’t look at her and not see the man I love more than anything. The man that isherseven more than he is mine. The man who left us both far too soon.
She’s got her daddy’s smile. His unruly brown hair, and sweet dimples. She has green eyes, just like the both of us,though I think they favor his shape. Unfortunately, she got my translucent skin and freckles. The sun will not be her friend.
Tears fall silently from my eyes as I stare down at her. I love this little girl so much. My little Luna. My perfect baby girl.
“Mommy loves you, sweet girl,” I whisper to her sleeping form. “I don’t want to leave you, sweetheart, but I’m just not capable of staying…not anymore. I tried so hard. I tried for him…I tried even harder for you. But mommy is tired, baby girl.” I bend over her crib, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Auntie Katie is going to take such good care of you. She took care of mommy when she was a little girl too. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to look after you.” I try to keep my cries quiet, but I’m becoming overwhelmed with emotion. As hard as this is, leaving her behind…staying here is even harder. “Mommy will come back for you someday. Sometime far, far in the future. We will see each other again, I promise. Next time, Daddy will be there too.” My voice hitches as I say goodbye to my sweet baby girl. I lean down for another kiss, this time on her forehead, then walk out the door so I don’t wake her up.
I check the small freezer in the kitchen, counting the pouches of milk one final time. The supply should last her an entire year, and that thought brings me comfort. She doesn’t like formula, I’ve already tried. I don’t want to leave her without her mommy’s milk.
I leave a large envelope with all her important documents next to the letter for Katie. I get started on a list of all Luna’s favorites so that Katie will know how to calm her. Her favorite position, her favorite stuffy, her favorite binky.
Her favorite song.
We sing it every night as I rock her to sleep. I can feel her daddy with us, humming along.
I tuck a letter for my little girl into the large folder of documents. I hope she reads it one day, and I hope she finds it in herheart to forgive me. Part of me knows she probably won’t. But the other part of me believes that Katie will help her with that.
