Page 127 of Wrecked
“Nate! No…no…no!” I bellow, sobs wrenching my body. “Nate, come on, baby, we’re going to go home now. We get to go home now. Emmy…Emmy…misses you. She’s going…to be…so excited…to see…you.” I hiccup, sobbing between each word.
He’s impossibly still, as if his body has turned to stone. His face is so puffy. It’s never been puffy before. He didn’t look like that this morning.
I hate it.
I hate the way it looks right now.
“His face!” I yell at our rescuers. “Why does his face look likethat?” I demand. “His face doesn’t normally look like that! It doesn’t look like him…please, please make it look like him again,” I beg. “That’s not Nate. That’s notmyNate. You’re not my Nate!” I chant, yelling at his still body. My words are muffled as I sob in earnest.
The men stand back, staring at me with so much sympathy it angers me. “Don’t look at me like that!” I shout. “He’s okay, he’s gonna be okay! We just need to get him on the ship, and he will be okay.”
I climb onto the bed, tucking myself in beside him. He’s so cold. Why is he so cold? I take his hand in mine and blow my hot breath against it, rubbing it between my hands to warm him up. He needs to be warm. He doesn’t like to be cold. I don’t want him to leave here feeling cold.
“It’s okay, Nate,” I whisper. “I’ll keep you warm.”
I look up at his peaceful, puffy face…with his blue lips. His eyes are closed tight, concealing his gorgeous green eyes.
I just want to see them one more time.
Just one more time.
The truth I’ve been avoiding, the truth that’s been right in front of me, slaps me in the face.
Dead.
This is what a dead person looks like.
He’s gone.
Nate is gone…
And he died alone.
I wasn’t here with him when he took his final breath. What if he was scared? What if he called out for me and I didn’t come? What if he was awake and struggling to breathe? Was he in pain? Was he worried about me? He always worries about me…
I should have been here. I should have been holding him when he left this world.
I didn’t get to say goodbye.
He left before I could say goodbye! Sobs rack my body as Irealize I will never get our final moments back. I will never get a do-over. His final memory of me was when I walked away. Leaving him to die scared and alone.
I’ll never forgive myself for this.
I left him.
He was fucking alone!
I wrap his arms around me and cuddle into his chest. I close my eyes, crying into his neck. “I’ve got you now, baby. You’re not alone anymore.”
The men step outside of our shelter, giving me a private moment with my husband.
The love of my life.
My Nate.
We were supposed to get our happy ending this time.
“I’m so sorry, Nate,” I whisper through my tears. “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you the way you always protected me. I’ll be with you soon, baby. Pick out a really nice spot in the sky for us, okay?” I let out a loud, painful sob. “Remember…you said you’d find me in every life. That you’d wait for me in the afterlife. So wait for me, my love.” I gently kiss his lips, my tears falling onto his frozen face. “Thank you for giving me the best year of my life,” I whisper, knowing that I wouldalsodo it all over again for the year that we got. “I love you, Nate. I’ll love you for all eternity.”
