Page 82 of Wrecked
“Just tell me, Nate,” I whisper, suddenly terrified of what he has to say. It’s too late to change my mind. I can’t turn back time. I’m in this now, and I need to know.
“Chris…he didn’t meet your mom by chance. He arranged the accident that led to their meeting.”
“What? Why?” My voice is shaky. Why is my voice so shaky?
“He was deployed with your…with Michael. I guess Michael’s death was suspicious, but they really had nothing to go on. They suspected Chris, and he was already being investigated for sexual assault of a…teenager.” He cringes, the words enough to trigger us both. “She was the daughter of his Sergeant, but it was her word against his. They offered him a deal to get out early, and he took it. I guess he realized that Michael’s wife came from money and devised a plan to get rid of him and meet her.”
I’m sick, disturbed, but I’m not at all surprised. I steel myself for the rest. “How does this tie into us, Nate?” I ask quietly, as if speaking louder makes all of this more real. I scoot closer to the fire, craving the warmth. I feel like I’m frozen on the inside, like my body is trying to keep all of this information from seeping in and poisoning me.
“Ellie,” Nate whispers, tears in his eyes. He looks at me with such heartache, I can’t help the tears that slide down my cheek in response.
“Just say it,” I mouth back, sound no longer escaping my lips.
“Chris isn’t your father. Michael was.”
“What? How? Michael died before I was born. That doesn’t make any sense!” I almost laugh at how crazy that sounds.
“Your mom and Chris couldn’t have a baby. I guess Christhought if he gave your mom a kid, her family would accept him into their lives…and their wealth. When she couldn’t get pregnant, she decided to do IVF. Michael didn’t know your mom was pregnant when he deployed. The risks of war were high, so he left sperm in case he came back unable to reproduce. Your mom went behind Chris’ back and used that sperm to get pregnant.”
Shock doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. I always had a feeling I wasn’t my dad’s…well, Chris’ daughter. I just don’t think I really expected it to be true. “I appreciate you telling me this, Nate,” I mutter, still trying to make sense of it all. “But I am having trouble connecting the dots…”
“Ellie, Chris put the money in your mom’s name. All of the documents were in your mom’s name. She even signed them. Nathaniel had copies, he had proof. He threatened to prosecute your mom if I stayed with you. If I didn’t go to Columbia. He told me about Chris and his charges, then told me how he’d have legal custody of you. If he…if he hurt you, and you told? Nathaniel said he would represent Chris, and that he would win. He would, Ellie. He’d win, and you’d get hurt. I…I couldn’t let that happen. I knew you wouldn’t let me live under Nathaniel’s thumb if I told you the truth, so I lied. I hurt you. But I did it because I loved you. I loved you so fucking much I would have thrown away my entire life to protect you.”
“You made a decision—about my life—without me? That wasn’t your choice to make! It wasn’t aboutyouandyourlife. It was aboutmeandmine! We were supposed to be a team, Nate. That means we don’t make decisions without each other! That means I’m not more important than you! That means we come up with a plan together!”
“There was no plan! There was no way to beat this, Ellie! I had to leave, and I had to make it real. I always…ALWAYSplanned to come back. It was just supposed to be two years and then I…”
“Justtwo years? I let my neighbor fuck me forjusttwoyears.”
Nate (present)
I didn’t hearthat right. I couldn’t have heard that right.
“What?” I whisper, barely able to get the word out, barely able to breathe.
“I let my neighborfuck mefor two years,” she deadpans, staring straight ahead. Her eyes are glassy and distant, like she’s remembering all the pain and trauma that transpired. Trauma thatIcaused her.
My heart shatters, the pain of hearing those words too intense to even describe. Did I do this? No. No. No. Leaving was supposed to keep hersafe. Did shewantthis? Did shelovehim?
“I let himtakefrom me. I let him take what was never his to have. I closed my eyes when he came to my room every night. I kept them closed when he crawled on top of me, when I opened my legs for him.”
“I don’t… I can’t hear this, Ellie.” I practically beg. This didn’t happen. This couldn’t have happened.
“Too fucking bad!” she screams, the raw pain in her voice cutting through me like glass. “I said I OPENED MY LEGS FOR HIM, NATE. I laid there, an unmoving corpse, as hefuckedme. EVERY NIGHT. I let him have it so that he wouldn’ttakeit, Nate! I was back in my own bed, unprotected…dead inside! I was numb to everyone and everything! You promised me! You said you’d keep me safe! And you left me in the hands of monsters. You lied to me!” The grief and agony in her cries feels like tiny knives plunging into my heart.
“No…” My pained whisper hardly makes a sound. I’m going tothrow up. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to besafe. It was only going to be two years, and I was coming back for her.
“You broke something inside of me that night, Nate. You took back the safety of your arms. You took back the kind of love I had never felt before you. You took back the protection you promised me. You took back your heart…and you crushed mine. I had nothing left. I couldn’t feelanything. I was numb, Nate, and I liked the feeling. Anything else would have felt like death. So, I did things…things that would keep me numb.” She cries out, her pain almost palpable. “Randy…Randykept me numb.” Her words are calm and emotionless. Almost like she is transported back to that time when she felt nothing. “I chased that feeling, Nate. I let Randy into my bed. I gave him my body. I GAVE HIM MY BODY! All because YOU decided what was best for ME!”
“Baby…” I rasp, my voice no longer sounding like my own. Everything hurts, everything.
I failed her.
I fucking failed her.
I left her behind with the monsters inherlife, thinking I was keeping her safe from the one in mine. I didn’t think…I didn’t realize what I was taking from her. The only safety, love, and protection she’d ever known. I left her on her own to fight her battles alone. I didn’t trust her to make a decision that was best for usboth. Instead, I made the decision I thought was best for her.
And she paid the price.
