Page 41 of Wrecked
I’ll be everything she’s never had at home. Everything she’s beenfor me. I’ll lay my heart bare and promise eternal devotion, because that’s what we are.
Eternal.
Irrevocable.
Inevitable.
I think of all she’s had to endure before she had me to protect her.Whileshe’s had me. Shame grips me, squeezing my chest as I think about the ways I’ve let her down. That internal disgrace is quickly replaced by the absolute fury that floods mysoul. My fists clench, darkness obscuring my vision like a black sheet has been placed over my eyes.
I’m no longer me. I’m lost to the anger I possess. I lose control of my mind and body as the rage consumes me. I lift my arm, my fist clenched, and I strike the wall. Once. Twice. Three times.
Pieces of drywall fall to the floor as I regain composure. I study the hole my wrath created. I wasn’t thinking straight, the only thing I pictured was Chris Hansel’s face. That realization dumps ice cold water in my veins. I shake out my hand, hardly feeling the pain. I study the angry red skin and notice it’s already beginning to swell. This reaction scares the hell out of me. It feels too familiar. Too…familial. I make a conscious decision right here and now. This will be the last time I react in anger.
I won’t become him.
But I will always defend what’s mine. If I have to—temporarily—become him to make sure she’s protected, it’s a risk I am willing to take.
When I think about what Ellie has been going through at home, things she hadn’t felt safe enough to tell me,I feel numb. I didn’t make her feel safe. The thought settles in my stomach like sour milk.
I swallow hard at the realization that she’d been a rock for me while grappling with her own monster. A monster I should have slayed. Instead, I suited up in an armor of neglect and hid behind her strength, completely ignorant of the pain locked behind those vibrant green eyes. I handed her my sword and stepped aside as she foughtbothof our battles with the strength of a crusader.
It turns out not every princess needs a Prince Charming.
That changes today. I’ll never be what Ellie deserves, but that just means I will try harder every day. Westley didn’t get it rightthe first time either, but he got a second chance to prove himself. I will spend the rest of my life proving myself to Ellie.
Still, I’m culpable for anything that motherfucker has done to her since she’s been mine. He will pay for every tear, every scream, every drop of fear he’s ever caused her. I’ll make sure he regrets hurting the love of my life.
Because she is—the love of my life. I already know this to be true.
I know I’m eighteen and I don’t know much about being in love, but Idoknow what I have with Ellie extends outside the realm of ordinary.
I don’t have a clear example of a good relationship at home, but I remember my grandparents fondly. I remember wondering why my mom and dad didn’t behave like them. I used to watch them with curious eyes, the kind way they spoke to each other, their love radiating from every word. I remember the way grandpa would pull grandma out of her chair, making her drop her needle and thread as he twirled her around their living room. He would play her favorite song and sing to her as they danced around the house. Grandma would giggle like the girls at school, slapping his arm affectionately while scolding him for being ridiculous.
You could tell she loved every minute of it, though.
I remember asking my grandpa why he always chose the song, “I can’t help falling in love with you.” It didn’t make sense to me then. He wasalreadyin love with grandma. He said it was because Elvis was the king, and that he still fell in love with grandma every day. He told me that the key to loving someone really well was to never stop falling.
I didn’t get it then…but I think I get it now.
My grandparents were seventeen when they met, and they were eighty-eight when they were buried beside each other, three months apart. Grandma knew she was going to be with grandpa before the rest of us. She sat me on her lap one nightand told me she had to leave me. She told me to remember the way her and grandpa loved each other and know that is how love is supposed to look. She told me my mother lost herself, but I didn’t have to be lost too. I remember crying, begging her not to leave me behind. She cuddled me for a long time before telling me that when you love someone as much as she loves grandpa, your heart stops working when they are no longer with you.
I get that now too.
My heart would not beat without Ellie. Not anymore.
I’ve been trying to find ways to float the idea of living together after she graduates, but I fumble each time. It’s hard to talk about your future with someone when you’re keeping a secret from them. I hate feeling like I am lying to her, but I’ll hate seeing the pain cross her face after learning the truth even more. Regardless of her feelings for her father, she’s only ever known himto beher father.
She never talked to me about him before that night. She thought I didn’t notice her aversion to being home. The way she casually changed the subject whenever I mentioned meeting him one day. I noticed though. I noticed everything but the absolute hell she’d been living in.
She knows I was there, that I heard what kind of man her father is. We talked for hours that night, she cried in my arms, and I promised to always keep her safe. She knows my window will be unlocked every night, including the nights I’m not home. She knows I want her sleeping here, with or without me. But she doesn’t know all of the truths that were confessed.
I don’t know how to tell her.
I hear a car door shut outside and walk over to my window. I pull the white curtain back and spot her old, red Chevrolet in the driveway. She steps out of the car and grabs her books from the back seat before heading up the walkway to my front door. She trips over a rock and her books go flying everywhere. Ican’t help the laugh I let out. She’s too fucking adorable as she stomps around and gathers her books. I should go down there and help, or at least meet her at the door, but I stay still, completely mesmerized by—her. Just her.
Emmy answers the door and lets her inside. I love the relationship they’ve built, despite their age difference. Ellie has become just as protective over Emmy as I am. It makes me love her even more. Emmy is the only person that knows about us, and she loves that we have our own little secret.
I hear the sound of footsteps stomping up carpeted stairs, so I know they are intentional. My door clicks open, and I turn around to meet her annoyed expression. I raise my brow. “Making yourself known, dear?” I smirk.
