Page 21 of Wrecked
I stand up and fight a ripple of nausea as I make my way to the patio door.
Locked.
I climb over the bushes and round the corner, walking toward the front of the house. I find the hidden key between my mother’s owl statues and unlock the front door. I step inside, leaving the door wide open as I make my way to my room. I don’t have the energy to close it behind me.
I make it to my bathroom and startle at what I see in the mirror. Dried blood mats my hair and covers my face and it looks like I shouldn’t have any left in my body. There is blood dripping from my arms and legs, making a mess on the bathroom floor. I lift my shirt to assess my stomach. A deep black contusion covers my chest all the way down to my hip, giving my skin an alien-like appearance.
I turn on the shower and step into my bedroom to grab a pair of boxers and a towel. I pass my phone and notice two missed messages. I pick it up before heading back to the bathroom and try to open it.
Facial recognition failed.
I type in my password instead and see that I have two missed messages and a missed phone call from Ellie.
Ellie: Hi Where are you? I’m waiting! Xo
Ellie: Nate, I’m getting worried. Where are you?
The last message was two hours ago.
I feel the tears burn my eyes as I read her messages. I’ve never had anyone worry about me before. I’m overwhelmed. It feels good, and it feels wrong. She shouldn’t have to worry about me. No one should. No one does.
Shedoes.
I don’t deserve it. I am exactly who he says I am. Fucking look at me! I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. Pathetic. Weak. Worthless. I’ve heard it my whole life and now I am finally seeing it. She deserves better. I deserve less.
I’m not strong. I’m notworthyof someone like her. I let out the sob I’ve been holding in for months, releasing all of the emotions I’ve been struggling to keep hidden. I let the hate and the anger overwhelm me. I let the depression settle deep in my bones. It’s freeing. It’s painful. It gives me the courage I couldn’t find before now. The courage to take the next step.
Hopeless.
That’s what I feel.
I shut my bathroom door and flip the lock. I open the medicine cabinet and pull out the bottle of Xanax I stole from my mother. The bottle I’ve stared at every day for the last six months.
Until her.
I ignore that thought and unscrew the top. I dump the contents into my shaky hand and take a deep breath, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. The scrapes on my skin burn from the salty liquid. It’s a good pain, though, because I know it’s a pain that’s about to end. I close my eyes and I let out the breath I’ve been holding.
A sudden wave of fear overwhelms me.
I don’t want to do this.
I need a reason to stay.
Give me a fucking reason to stay.
Nothing. No sign from some high power telling me I’m needed here, wanted here. I look down at the white pills in my hand, shoving aside the fear. It’s going to be ok now. I lift my hand to my mouth, ready to leave the pain behind.
A soft knock echoes on my bathroom door.
“Nate, baby? It’s…it’s me.”
CHAPTER 10
ELLIE (PRESENT)
The wind whips through my auburn hair as I watch ferry boats pass by in the harbor. The plastic lawn chair I’m sitting on digs into the back of my thighs, and my silky purple pajama shorts do nothing to cushion the sharp edges. I look down at the indents left on my skin and push down a little harder. The pain is far more welcome here than I am.
I’m sitting on Katie’s balcony while she does her best to avoid me inside. It’s been six days since our uncomfortable interaction at dinner. When we’d returned to our table, awkward silence plagued the rest of the evening. Dimitri didn’t ask me out at the end of the night. Actually, he barely even glanced at me again.
