Page 19 of Wrecked
My mouth falls open in shock. I look over at Katie, watching as tears fill her eyes. She doesn’t let them fall, though. Letting them fall would be an admission of truth. An acknowledgement that something is going on here.
Dimitri looks between the three of us like he doesn’t know what to say. I quickly excuse myself to the restroom, hearing Katie’s chair slide out after I step away from the table.
I make it to the restroom, aggressively shoving the door open and allowing it to swing closed behind me. It never hits its mark because Katie pushes in after me. She lost her silent battle, tears quietly slide down her cheeks as she looks at me with such devastation it causes my chest to ache.
“Are you and Nathan having an affair?” Her words are hitched as she tries to speak through the tears she’s still desperately fighting.
“What? Katie, no. No. I would never do something like that to you.”
I wouldn’t. At least I don’t think I could.
“Then tell me what is going on. Please, Els. I was never worried about Nathan cheating on me. Never. Not in the nearly two years we’ve been together. But after his dad died, he just started making all these irrational decisions. He spent seven years in school, and now he’s not even taking the bar exam. We’ve been home for six months, and it has just gotten worse. The way he looks at you? Like he’s dying of thirst and you’re his salvation? Ellie, that’s not the look you give to a high school enemy!” she cries out, the pain in her voice breaking my heart. “What was that, Ellie? What was that out there!? Because to me that sounded like a man defending the honor of a woman he…fuck. Ellie…I overheard him…on the phone with his sister…” Her tears are falling in earnest now, causing black streaks of mascara to trickle down her cheeks.
“Overheard what?” I ask, confused with the sudden change of topic.
“Nothing. Just…forget I said anything. I need you to tell me I have nothing to worry about.Pleasetell me I have nothing to worry about. Because I’m sending my sister,my best friend, and the man I love more than life itself, on a trip together…and I can’t help but feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life. I never thought that you had feelings for him, Els. But I’m not so sure he doesn’t have feelings for you, and those feelings have to come from somewhere!”
I take a breath and then decide to reveal as much as I can without hurting her.
“Nate and I were closer in high school than I let on…”
“Nate?” she asks, exasperated. “Closer? Ellie, you said you hardly knew him…that he was just a high school bully!”
“I…I tutored him. In physics.” I take a deep breath. I need to be careful with my words. “We became really good…friends. He was going through a lot at the time. I wasn’t in his grade, and I didn’t know any of his friends, so he felt comfortable talking to me. But then he hurt me. He threw away our…friendship…and never talked to me again. I think maybe he didn’t want to do that. But that…someone made him.” I will never betray Nate’s trust. Not even to make my sister feel better. If he wanted her to know about his father, he would have told her himself. “If he has feelings for me, they are probably feelings of regret and guilt. For our falling out. He’s always felt protective of me, Katie. That’s what that was out there.”
“Do you have feelings for him, Ellie?”
“No,” I lie.
I lie to my sister, and I lie to myself.
It’s the first time in three weeks that I lie convincingly.
CHAPTER 9
NATE (SENIOR YEAR, HIGH SCHOOL)
Istand in front of my bathroom mirror and stare at the vibrant shades of blue and purple painting the left side of my face. I got home from the hospital thirty minutes ago and haven’t been able to move from this spot. This is my life, enduring this endless cycle of pain and abuse. Screaming for help, with no one to hear me. This won’t end when I leave this place. There’s no escape, no one who can help me.
My mother stood by and watched the swing of his fist as it collided with my cheek. The crunch was audible, and the pain was immediate. She turned and walked away, shaking her head as if this was all some kind of inconvenience for her. Nathaniel insisted I didn’t need to go to the hospital, but when it became noticeably difficult for me to open my mouth, he relented.
Zygomatic fracture of the left cheekbone.
This type of injury usually occurs after high impact trauma. Trauma like motor vehicle accidents, falls…assaults. On paper, I took a football to my face and tripped, landing cheek first on a rock.
If that rock was fist-shaped.
The fracture isn’t displaced, so I won’t need surgery. I’ll beon a soft-food diet and out of football practice until it heals. No football practice means more events with my father.
I continue to stare back at the man before me, my reflection no longer recognizable. Not because of the colorful skin that flaunts my shame, but because of the hollow emptiness in eyes that once held life.
I don’t see me.
I see deep shadows of indignity that have become a relentless weight on my chest. The ache in my core is far superior than the agony on the surface. This is who I am now. The bruises will fade, but the broken mess underneath will remain fragmented and defective.
The person created from my remains will rise from the ashes, only to carry the burden of my past far into my future. My unanswered calls for help will still feed my nightmares, and I won’t ever be free from the memories of a life I never asked to live.
I take a deep, stuttering breath and finally pull myself away from the mirror. I close the bathroom door, subduing the temptation that burdens me often. One that sits in the medicine cabinet and waits. Waits for the day I’ve finally had enough. The compulsion is overwhelming, and it would be so easy to enact the thoughts that frequent my mind. My stomach hollows when I contemplate how much easier that path would be. The end result wouldn’t be any different than my current state. I live a void existence, surrounded by a nothingness so penetrating I can’t see or feel beyond it.
