Page 106 of The Interview
His words are like a punch to the gut.
I truly believed back then that we lost Baby M because of my adultery. That it was my punishment, and mine to bear alone. So, I withdrew. I can’t tell everyone that or explain that’s the reason why I distanced myself from my husband. I suppose it was only fitting, really, that my withdrawal, caused by my guilt, was the reason he sought comfort in Carla. Well, in her mouth, at least.
“I didn’t cope well mentally,” I explain. “Neither of us did—not really. I went to stay at my parents’ because… I don’t know why. I made up some bullshit excuse, but it was mostly because we couldn’t look at each other without falling apart. It’s the weirdest thing. I’d only known for sure I was pregnant for a couple of days, but the grief I felt, the sense of loss…” I don’t mention the guilt because that was the driving force behind why I was feeling everything else so deeply.
I know now that what went on between Cam and me played no part in my ectopic pregnancy, and the logical part of my brain probably knew it back then, but I felt like I needed to be punished. So, I selfishly withdrew, went through a bit of a manic spell, and left my husband to deal with his grief alone.
Except when he was with Carla.
Sticking his dick down the back of her throat.
And letting her put her hands down his pants.
Anyway, in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? The shitty things me and Sean did to each other… did we do them to each other, or to ourselves?
Whatever the answer, we fucked up, but those fuck-ups didn’t detract from our love.
“We both fell apart. Sean especially, and I wasn’t there for him. I wasn’t mentally present enough to deal with my own grief as well as his. I think I stayed with my parents for a couple of months, and it took him coming to me and reminding me he’d lost a baby, too, it didn’t just happen to me, it happened to us, for me to wake up to myself. We cried, then went away for some alone time, got our shit together, came home, and decided to try again.”
“Your foundation supports a lot of child loss charities. Is this why?” Daniel asks.
“Well, not just Baby M. I lost two children remember. Beau was full term when I lost him, and Cam lost a son at full term, too. So, yeah, it is something that’s close to our hearts, and the reason why we set up Butterfly Kisses. The charity supports families who’ve experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or whose unborn babies have been given a terminal diagnosis. Our charity offers financial support so parents can take time to grieve, as well as emotional, psychological support, and counselling.”
“There’s a lot of support there for fathers,” Cam says. “It wasn’t until we shared our experiences, me and Georgia, that we realised there wasn’t a lot of support out there for men, for fathers, grandfathers, uncles, or any other family member impacted. Blokes don’t tend to share.”
“Oh, they definitely do in this family,” George, our youngest son corrects, causing a ripple of laughter throughout the room.
“And you think that’s a bad thing?” Cam asks.
“Sometimes,” George replies. “Like, I don’t actually need to know how heavy my sister’s period is, when it’s due, oranythinglike that.”
“Oh, grow the fuck up,” Lu snaps at her brother. “It’s not like I go out of my way to tell you. You’re just there when I tell Mum or Kiks. It’s just a normal bodily function… if you’re a woman.”
“Not for me.” I put my hand up. “Language, Lu. And, yeah, grow up, son. Anyway, we discovered there wasn’t a lot out there in the way of support for men, so we decided to do something about that.”
“Yes, the services offered are groundbreaking,” Daniel praises. “And how did you feel when you saw the headlines regarding Georgia’s loss?” He directs his question at Cam.
“Honestly, I knew nothing about it at the time. I was out of the country when they made the big announcement, and by the time I got back, it was no longer a front-page headline. I didn’t really seek out news on rock’s golden couple, if you must know. Self-flagellation’s not really my thing.”
I press my lips together and hold back a laugh as I smile at my husband’s sarcasm.
“Hearing all of this right now, for the first time in any detail, has been pretty traumatic. It wasn’t my place to be there for her, but I love her. I loved her then. I’ve never not loved her, so of course, given a choice, I would’ve been,” Cam says, confirming our unspoken conversation earlier.
“And Sean… he wrote a song, right? Isn’t “Butterfly” about your loss?”
I nod but don’t speak. It’s the only song I can’t listen to.
“It contains the line ‘with a gentle touch, like tiny fingers, butterfly kisses in our hearts will linger’,” Marley says as he pulls up his sleeve to show his little blue butterfly tattoo on the inside of his wrist.
Len, Jimmie, Ash, and lastly, I pull up our sleeves and show ours. It was the only tattoo I had, until I added two more butterflies when I was in Australia.
“The whole band got one done,” Marley says. “We were recording a new album—our last, in fact, but we didn’t know that then—straight after everything happened. Maca came up with the track, asked if we could add it, and we laid it down in one morning. Then the four of us—well, it was six, actually, because Len and Milo came with us—all went and got one done.”
I knew those lyrics were in the song, but hearing Marley say them aloud, words my then-husband wrote about the first child we lost has made my head spin.
“At this point, I was going to show more of the newspaper headlines, but you know what? Fuck ’em. I’m not giving more airtime to that kind of negativity. Instead, what I’m going to get production to do is add a piece about the charity, raise awareness, maybe some direct donations…” Daniel taps his index finger against his bottom lip, obviously thinking.
“Marls, what if we put the song out as a single? Make it some kind of special edition?” Len suggests.
