Page 45 of Chasing Blue
I watch his throat move as he swallows. His tongue flicks out as he licks at those perfectly plump lips of his. I have to look away, and when I drag my focus to his eyes, I find them cast to the room before once again meeting mine.
“When I saw you standing in my bar last week, I was hit with . . .”
I watch as he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “So fucking much, Blue. I don’t even know where to start with this. Everything that was missing, everything I should’ve felt for Julia after seeing her for the last couple of months, boom, it was there. As soon as I was over the shock of you being there, it started hitting me. I wanted to know you, to knowaboutyou. I wanted you to tell me everything about your life and what you’ve been up to all these years.”
His eyes constantly shift from mine to the room as he talks, his grip on me tightens and loosens as we continue to move.
“My head was spinning, and my gut was tying itself in knots as I thought of how I could ask you all of that without freaking you out. I was thinking of ways to make you stay . . .”
“It wasn’t me who left last time, Jack, not until you let me go,” I interrupt him. “You leftme, remember? The whole fucking town was talking about you and Eden, and you didn’t even have the decency to come and tell me yourself.”
His arms wrap around me, and he again talks into my ear. “I’m not the kind of person who lives with regrets, Blue. I’m the type of bloke who goes after what they want, the only time I didn’t, I ended up losing you. Letting you go is my one and only regret in this life.”
The song changes and Jack must realise what it is that’s now playing before I do because I feel his body straighten and become still.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” he mumbles, and it’s just as his eyes meet mine and he begins to move again I realise what’s playing. It’s a song I’ve not heard in years. A song I’d never heard played on the radio or on any playlist. A song I was introduced to in another life. I close my eyes, give a small laugh, and move my body to the sound of Van Morrison’s, ‘Tupelo Honey’. Memories of Jack’s old truck, the mix tape of his mum’s favourite songs he always played when we rode in it, him singing the words of this particular song quietly into my ear after one hot and heavy session we’d had while parked up at our local beach.
He sings into my ear about a girl who’s sweet as honey from a bee, and I get goosebumps on my goosebumps as I allow the memories I’ve kept locked up tight for so long, just enough freedom to cause that all too familiar stab to my heart. Sounds, sensations, I open myself up to them in a way that’s so infinitesimally small that they’re almost immeasurable, yet still have the ability to slice me wide open and rip my heart from my chest.
“Blue,” his voice and warm breath hit my ear, and I wonder for a moment how I’m still standing. For all the years I’ve imagined this scenario or something like it, I’ve dropped to the floor when I’ve seen him. His eyes hitting mine rendered me speechless, breathless, and unable to stand, yet here I am. My breaths are a little ragged, but I’m breathing, my heart hurts, but it’s still beating, and my legs are not only keeping me upright, but they’re keeping time with the music, keeping my body pressed against his as we move together.
“We were so good together once. Do you remember? Don’t tell me I’m remembering things differently to how they were, what we had, it was fucking epic,” his words roll through me like a wave, and I have to shut down my memories of the aftermath of him and me, in order to deal with the memories of the time we were together because I don’t have the strength to deal with both. It’s too much, too overwhelming.
I’m strong. Surviving all that I have, I’m a fucking legend, but opening upmymemories while listening tohis? Maybe sober, I could do it, but after the rollercoaster few weeks I’ve just experienced, and the alcohol I have coursing through my system right now, no, I’m not up for that battle.
“We were. It . . . us, weweregood, but then you left me, and we weren’t, we were done,” I tell him while looking up and over his shoulder.
“I didn’t leave, I needed time, and I fucked up, but I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you walked into my bar. Honestly, I’ve never stopped fucking thinking about you.”
Now,nowI can barely breathe and have to close my eyes so I can focus on just doing that. He’s saying the words, telling me all the things I’ve wished so hard to hear for so fucking long. Day after day, night after night, for eighteen years I’ve wished for this, dreamed of this, and now the moment’s here? What do I do? What do I say?
My legs and insides vibrate as Jack’s palms brush up and down from my hips to my armpits. I open my eyes and find his beautifully unforgettable green eyes staring down at me.
“Don’t tell me you’re not feeling it,” he says with a head shake. “Because if you do, I’m calling bullshit. I know it’s been years, but it’s still there, that chemistry we had back then is still there. It’s so fucking strong I can feel it vibrating between us.”
I swallow and lick my lips, but don’t get a chance to say what I have to because he’s not done trying to claw through my barricade with his words.
“There’s been no one special. Not in all these years has there beenanyonewho made me feel like you did. No one’s even come close. You’ve been back five minutes, and it’s all there, exactly the same like we’ve never been apart . . .”
“But we have,” I snap out, interrupting him with an anger that hits out of nowhere. “We have been apart, and shit has gone down that you know nothing about. Shit that I had to go through on my own because you chose not to be a grown-up and reach out to me after finding out Eden was pregnant. If what we had was so fucking good, why didn’t you do at least that one thing for me? Even if it was just to end things or just put us on hold while you sorted your shit out, you could’ve come to me, and I would’ve understood. I would’ve given you that because I fucking cared. Cared,” I repeat the word with a sardonic laugh and a head shake. “I was in love with you, Jack. I fucking loved you, so I would’ve given you that.”
His brows pull together in a frown before rising in surprise as his mouth opens and closes as he nods.
“I knew then, but I didn’t realise until now just howbadlyI fucked up.”
“Oh, you definitely fucked up big time. You have no fucking idea how badly,” I cut him off again as his frown returns.
I realise right then that we’re not moving. Couples are dancing around us to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’, but we’re in the middle of the room, arms still wrapped around each other, staring into each other’s eyes, having one of the most intense conversations of my life.
I wonder what the other couples are thinking of us, if our friends are watching and wondering what the fuck is going on. I’m surprised Zoe hasn’t been over to check on me yet. I resist the urge to look her way because that will probably result in her doing exactly that.
“So, where do we go with this? There’s too much here . . .” Jack moves his hand up and points between us as he talks. “There’s too much buzzing between us to ignore it, to just walk away. I fucked up once. I won’t ever make that mistake again.”
I have to look away to stop from being drawn in and losing myself in the intensity of his stare.
“This all feels so fucking right like this is exactly where we’re supposed to be,” he leans in and whispers against my ear. “This isn’t what I was expecting, not what I was looking for, but I’m not walking away until we at least try and work out what the fuck we have going on between us, Blue, but I don’t know where the fuck to start with that.”
The truth.
