Page 102 of Chasing Blue
“I’ve had her ashes all these years, kept them till you were ready. Then Jack came up with the idea of doing this, of honouring Zara’s memory along with Mum’s, and didn’t want just an urn up there, so we put her ashes in the coffin, and we’ll send her off with mum to look after her,” my brother explains, his voice thick with emotion.
I can’t hold on to my sobs as I lean into Asher. “Thank you. Thank you for being there then, for doing this now.”
“Then, of course, of course I was there. You’re my sister, and I love you, but today, all of this, this is all on Jack.”
Lifting my big, seventies-style sunnies off my face, I tilt my head and look up at Jack.
“This okay?” he asks. His grip on my hand tightening.
“It’s perfect. She’s with my mum, she’ll find your mum, they’ll be together, and she’ll be loved,” I sob. Big loud, heaving sobs. The kind that feels like they’re being torn from your very soul, but surprisingly, I’m okay. I’m okay.
* * *
The servicethat follows is beautiful. My dad and brother deliver eulogies for my mum, then Jack pulls at my hand, and guides me to the podium at the front. I begin to panic as I’ve nothing prepared, no idea what I want to say, but as we stare out at the people we love most in the world, Jack once again takes charge.
“For any of you who are unaware, eighteen years ago, our little girl, Zara Katherine Cole was stillborn. Today, myself and Scarlett are here to honour and remember our little girl. Despite never getting the chance here on Earth, we know that just like her mum loves to, just like her grandmas Kate and Zara loved to, our Zara will be dancing with the angels, now, with Kate by her side, and my mum waiting for her, she’ll be dancing with both her grandmas holding her hands.”
I watch Jack’s dad and my dad both wipe tears from their eyes. Zoe’s dad has an arm each around Zoe and her mum. Span’s hand is covering his mouth, Anthony holding his free hand as he openly cries.
As ‘Dancing In The Sky’ plays quietly in the background, Jack continues, “We never got to see you smile or to hear you laugh. We didn’t get to witness your first steps, first day of school, or any of your other firsts, but that doesn’t mean we don’t think of what they might’ve been like. It doesn’t mean we don’t think of you, and it doesn’t mean we’ll ever forget you, but until the day we can watch you dance, we know your hands are being held by both your grandmas in heaven, and you’re loved and remembered by all of us here today.”
I can’t see, I can barely breathe as Jack slides his arm across my shoulder, pulls me into him, and guides me back to our seats.
The next thing I remember is ‘Dancing Queen’ playing and us following behind my dad and Asher as the matching coffins are led out of the building.
* * *
Standingon the shoreline as the sun rises, Zoe squeezes one hand while Amelia squeezes the other. With the water lapping over our feet, we watch as Jack, Finn, Shannon, Nate, Scott, Asher, and my dad join hands as part of the paddle-out ceremony Jack asked if he could perform for my mum, and our daughter.
With Jack carrying Zara’s ashes, and my brother carrying my mum’s, they lay the large white daisies they carried out in their teeth into the middle of the circle before the boys join them in splashing at the water with their hands.
From where we’re standing, I can’t hear what Jack or my brother say, but I’m okay with that. I’ve had eighteen years to grieve for our daughter, Jack has had less than a week, and I wanted to give him this. This moment to say goodbye in a way that was special to him and his family.
Surfing has always been such a massive part of his life that I’d like to think, had she lived, just like he taught Finn, he would’ve taught Zara too, and that’s what hurts me the most, even all these years later, it’s the things we never got to teach and show her.
“This is just beautiful,” Zoe chokes out as she slides her arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder.
“I’ve seen it done a few times down here growing up, but never for someone I knew . . . I mean, I know I didn’t know her, but I feel like I do,” Milly says quietly.
“That’s good enough,” I tell her. “All I’ve ever wanted is for her to be known, remembered, loved. And I know it’s my fault, I know I should’ve told Jack sooner . . .”
“No, no,” Milly cuts me off. “You told him when you were ready. He knows now, we all know now, and we all get to be a part of this, to love and remember her. That’s all that matters.”
Tears drip from my chin, and my nose runs, but I don’t even attempt to wipe them away as Milly’s arm reaches across my back, and the three of us watch as my mum’s and my daughter’s ashes are carried on the wind.
CHAPTER24
Jack
“That it?”I ask Scarlett as she comes out of the guest bathroom of her apartment.
“That’s it, just wanted to give the toilet seat a final wipe. It’s been used a few times by all you boys today,” she explains.
“I thought the cleaners were coming through in the morning?”
“They are, but I can’t leave them with a toilet to clean.”
“Yeah, you can. It’s kinda the whole point of them coming here.”
