Page 30 of Loving Wild
“I don’t know if this makes me happy or sad,” Jess whispers, and I’m not sure if she’s crying as she speaks. “I’m so happy for you, Gabe, happy that you’ve finally found this, but I’m sad it’s taken so long, that you’ve never had it before.”
“To be honest, Jess, I’m fucking terrified.”
“Good, love should be a little bit scary. You’re putting yourself out there, trusting someone else with your emotions, itshouldbe a big fucking deal.”
There’s a pause before she adds, “And for you, someone who doesn’t trust or put their feelings out there,ever, I can’t even imagine what it took for you to tell Lauren.”
“It took me being buried balls deep inside her on the dining table. Wasn’t the way I planned on telling her, but so far, nothing about our relationship has been planned.”
“Far out, Gabe, I really could’ve done without knowing that piece of info. Please don’t invite us over for dinner anytime soon, at least not until you’ve bought a new table.”
“I love that table. I’m never getting rid of it now. You mention any of this to my brother and I’ll . . .”
“Your secret’s safe with me, you know that. So, what was Lauren’s response when you said those three little words?”
“I think I shocked her at first, but she said it back a bit later. I knew it anyway, she just needed time to process.”
“Jesus, you Wild boys are so fucking sure of yourselves.”
“Have you seen us?” I question, smiling for the first time today.
“Are you in your truck right now?”
“Yeah, I’m parked outside Ava’s school. Why?”
“You might wanna step out before your head gets so fat you can’t.”
“There’s only one head getting fat around here, but that’s not a conversation I’m having with my sister-in-law.”
I hear a gasp—or maybe it’s a choking sound down the phone, before Jess adds, “Okay, we’re done with that conversation. Moving on, if you both agree on the love stuff, what is it you’re struggling with?”
I take a deep breath in through my nose and push my hands back into the pockets of my hoodie as I try to formulate an explanation in my head.
“For Lauren, I think it’s a combination of things. The betrayal, the humiliation. She was married to that prick for a long time. I’ve learned that he was always a bit handsy with her, but for him to turn on her the way he has, so violently. Then to do what . . .” I pause, not sure if Jess knows all that East did to Lauren on Monday night.
“She told me, told all of us at your place Monday night.”
“Well, then for him to do that, on top of everything else, she’s just constantly questioning why, wondering what she did wrong. On top of that, she’s still kind of mourning the end of her marriage, the life that she had. Then yesterday, we got the message to say he’d been refused bail and remanded at MRC in the city, and I think for a moment, she felt guilty, felt fucking bad for him.”
“Trauma-related guilt is a real thing, Gabe, you know this first hand. Yours is a little different in that you blame yourself for someone else’s actions, or more, your reaction to their actions, something you had absolutely no control over, and for Lauren, she’s feeling guilt over the consequences someone is facing due totheiractions towards her. It’s a lot to take in. Maybe you could both do with some counselling, might help you both move forward.”
“Maybe,” I mumble while still trying to process what Jess has just said.
“So that’s Lauren, what about you? What is it you’re struggling with?”
“That it happened. That it happened at our home, while I was there. That I sent her out for food because I’d had too much to drink to be able to drive. That I took a shower while that prick kicked the shit out of the woman I love, that . . .”
“Right, here’s the thing, Gabe, you can’t change it. You can hate yourself, feel guilty, feel however you want about it and know that your feelings are valid, but what you can’t do, is change that it happened.”
“Lauren’s said pretty much the same thing.”
“That’s because Lauren’s a very wise woman. Maybe not when it comes to dealing with her own issues, but from the short amount of time I spent with her Monday night, I’d say that not only is she fucking amazing, but she’s very much got you worked out.”
I smile. Like a fucking idiot, I sit in my car and grin at the windscreen.
“She is fucking amazing,” I agree, still grinning. “I just . . . there’s just so much happened. Now East is locked up, I just want some time, for us . . .”
I trail off, not sure what it is I’m trying to say. “This is all so fucking new to me, I’m struggling to navigate my way around myownfeelings, let alone take hers into account, and I know at some stage, I’m gonna fuck it all up.”
