Page 25 of The Story of Me
Are you safe?
Do you need me?
Do I need him?Fuck, I don’t know what I need. I’ve just had one of the most fucked-up nights of my entire life and believe me, living the life I have, I’ve had some pretty fucked-up nights. I’ve gone out with one man, had my Mildred licked by a woman and now I’m home, texting a different man. A man I fucked while still married to my now-dead husband.What is wrong with me?I don’t want to be a bad person. I want to make good decisions; I don’t want to hurt or use anyone, but it’s all I ever seem to do. I wipe my running nose on the back of my arm as my phone rings. It’s Cam’s number, and I don’t know what to do. If I don’t answer, he will worry and probably get on to Bailey, and that will cause a whole other shit storm.
“Tiger.”
“Kitten?” My heart rate instantly quickens at the sound of his voice. I need to take a couple of those Valium I have in the drawer; they’ll calm me down.
“How the fuck are you, Tiger?”
“Don’t swear, Kitten; it’s not nice.”
“I’m not nice; haven’t you realised that yet?” He’s quiet for a few seconds.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I’m far from okay. I’m a fuckin’ mess.”
“Where are you? I want to see you.”
“You can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t; I’m too far away.”
“Where are you, Kitten? You’re scaring me.” I want to tell him, but it would do no good, and I’m a mess. I can’t think and I suddenly don’t want to talk anymore; I just want to go to sleep. I wish he was here, with his big body and his big laugh.
“I’m lost. I’m on my own. I’m where nobody can find me. I’m invisible and I miss you. I wish you were here; you would’ve stopped me. I think I told him that I love you. He laughed and it was you, your laugh, and I told him that I love you.” I can hear him saying my name, asking where I am, who I’m with, but I don’t want to talk anymore. I end the call, turn off my phone, take two Valium out of my bedside drawer to help me sleep and swallow them down with water from the bottle I left there a couple of nights ago. I stare at the little brown bottle of pills and think about taking the whole lot, and the thought stays in my head for a very split-second; just a split-second, but I don’t do it. My family needs me, and I can’t cause them any more pain. I throw the pills and the water on the floor and wait for sleep to take me; the last thought that goes through my mind is how much I hate myself and my life.
Chapter Ten
Ijump, then attempt to drag my eyes open as I try to work out what’s going on around me. I can hear voices and I feel myself being lifted; my face is slapped, not hard but enough for me to feel it. I can hear Jackson calling my name, and I’m aware I’m being carried, but I just can’t open my eyes properly or string a sentence together. I stop trying to fight it, curl into Jackson’s chest and go back to sleep.
* * *
I know I’m in a hospital before I even open my eyes; I would know that smell anywhere. I hate it; that smell means only one thing to me: death.
My throat feels scratchy and my stomach and ribs ache. I lay still for a while longer, trying to process why I might possibly be in the hospital. The last thing I remember clearly is Roman dropping me off; he didn’t come in, and I showered.
Shit!
I spoke to Cam last night, I think.
I open my eyes and look around. It’s a standard hospital room; stark, white, and sterile. It smells of death, death and loss, and I really need to get out of here. I catch movement from the corner of my eye and realise Jackson is asleep in a chair next to my bed; he’s sitting exactly like Sean was when I woke up after we lost baby M, and exactly like Marley was when I lost Sean and Beau. I burst into tears. Jackson instantly lifts his head, and his eyes meet mine.
“What the fuck did you do?” he asks through gritted teeth. I frown as I try and remember, but I can’t.What the fuck did I do?
“I don’t know. I can’t remember. Did I hurt someone?” He stands abruptly, pushing his chair back noisily on the tiled floor.
“The pills, George! Why, why would you do that?” I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about.
“I don’t know what you mean, Jax. Please tell me, coz I can’t remember.” I’m wearing a horrible hospital night gown, and I use it to wipe my tears and my nose on. My tears and my nose; I remember wiping them last night. I was in bed crying; why the fuck am I crying? Well, der, probably coz my life is a fucking fucked-up mess. I’m suddenly pissed off with Jackson, and I just want a straight answer.
“Will you please just tell me why I’m in the hospital, Jax, and why I feel like I’ve done ten rounds with Tyson?”
He turns on me so abruptly that I push myself further down into the bed.
