Page 62 of Conviction
I’m also angry with Meebs. I know she’s been used as a means to an end, but why the fuck did she let it happen? She’s not stupid, far from it. So why the fuck did she let her brother manipulate her the way he did? She has no problem standing up to me, so why the fuck didn’t she stand up to that little dickhead?
I grip my hair and try and keep the rage buried deep down inside me. Turning the hot water up, I stand and endure the sting and burn as it hits my body. My usual routine when I feel like this would be to go to my place in the Kings Road and call up a few people for a night of sex. Horrible, nasty, humiliating sex. I’d watch and shout orders. I’d get off on others doing things that they ordinarily would never do. Wouldn’t even consider, but because I’m involved, because I just have this way to somehow convince people that they do want to watch that woman suck their boyfriend’s dick, while they fuck him up the arse with a strap-on, they do it. There might be a slight hesitation, but they always end up doing what I order, and you know what? They always end up enjoying it. The trick is, knowing just how far to push people.
I place my palm flat against the tiles as I fist my cock in my other hand. I need to come. It’s the only way I can calm myself the fuck down.
I have Meebs waiting for me in my bed. My beautiful Meebs.What would she think if she knew the truth about the things I’ve done, the things I’ve made others do?
“Fuck!” I stop what I’m doing, lean my back against the tiles and slide down the wall.
What the fuck am I doing? Why did I make her stay here with me? I’m the last thing she needs in her life right now. I’m a fucked up mess, but I want her so fucking much. She fits. When I wrap my arms around her, when her little body is pulled against mine, she fits and all is right with my world.
I rub my hands over my face and stand back up and wash myself. I’ve no idea where I’m going with this. I don’t know if I have it in me to have a healthy relationship. I want it. I yearn for it so fucking much, and I want it with her, but I don’t know if I’m capable. I’ve spent so long running from relationships and intimacy, I don’t know if I would even knowhowto be with someone.
Feeling as frustrated as fuck, I step out of the shower, wrap a towel around my waist and clean my teeth. My toothbrush is lying on the side of the sink and not in the holder where I usually keep it, and the thought that Meebs has had it in her mouth makes my dick twitch. I grab another towel and walk into my bedroom rubbing my hair dry with it and stop dead in my tracks.
She’s lying in the foetal position, in the middle of my bed. She has on my T-shirt, and it’s pulled over her knees, just her feet sticking out of the bottom. She’s tiny, so fucking small and beautiful and perfect. This girl, this woman, has consumed my thoughts for most of my life. I’ve dreamt about her. I’ve written songs about her, and now here she is, in my home and in my bed. I consider myself to have a pretty vivid imagination but fuck me, the reality of her being here far outweighs anything my brain could’ve come up with.
Her hands are curled into fists and tucked under her chin. Her damp blonde hair is splayed out over the duvet cover. I move in closer, sitting on the edge of the bed so I can get a better view. Her fair lashes fan out across her cheeks, which are covered with a light dusting of freckles that spread across her nose. Her pale pink lips are in a perfect pout as she sleeps. Watching her like this brings order to my thoughts. The anger and aggression I was feeling earlier has dissolved. Looking at her flawless skin and natural beauty calms my raging mind, and I don’t doubt for a moment what the feeling is that has settled in my chest.
Love.
I love her.
I’ve never stopped loving her, and it scares the shit out of me.
I want this. I want her, but I’m terrified I’ll fuck it all up somehow.
If she were to know the truth about the way I've conducted my sex life all these years would she be repulsed, hate me, pity me?
Feeling overwhelmed I go into my wardrobe and pull on a pair of boxers and then go and lay on the bed. I wrap my arm around Meebs and pull her back into my front. I breathe her in and the realisation that she smells of me almost makes my heart beat out of my throat. I loved her before, back when we were kids, but this is on another level. I’m not sure if it’s because I now know what it’s like not to have her in my life, but what I’m feeling now…fuck… I don’t know. I’m a songwriter, but I don’t have words right now to describe this. I pull her in tighter and kiss right below her ear.
She lets out a little moan and turns around in my arms to face me. Her hand comes up and touches my cheek, as she mumbles, “I love you, Conner Reed. I love you so fucking much.” Her lips find mine, and she kisses me gently, then continues sleeping.
Fuck, multiplatinum-selling albums.
Fuck, The Grammy’s and The Brit Awards.
Fuck, the millions in the bank, the cars, horses and properties.
Fuck it all!
She loves me. This girl loves me, and I swear to each and every God that might be listening, I will sort my shit out, and Iwillbe what she needs in her life. I will doeverythingand anything necessary to become worthy of her love.
Does that make me a pussy? Probably but I really don’t give a fuck.
I wake to the sensationof a hot little hand wrapped around my hip. I open my eyes and realise that it’s Meebs hair tickling my nose that’s woken me. I kiss the top of her head, which causes her to stir. She moves her hand, and it comes to rests right on my dick.
Pearce Matthews.
Pearce Matthews.
Pearce Matthews.
Shit!Even thinking about her dickwad brother is doing nothing to lessen my hard-on.
Suddenly a pair of big blue eyes are looking up at me. She starts to smile, then her fingers move, and she frowns. Pulling her hand away from my crotch, she blushes and buries her face in my chest.
“Please tell me I didn’t sleep all this time hanging on to your dick?” I think is what she asks.
