Page 76 of Conviction
“Na,” I tell her, “cunts are useful. Whereas my mother, well, she’s just—”
“A cunt,” Sophie and I say together, bursting into a fit of laughter.
By the time I walk over to the park to meet Marcus, I’ve had three glasses of wine and nothing to eat. I feel more than a little intoxicated, which I think was Sophie’s ultimate aim when she offered/shoved the first glass of wine into my hand. She knows I’m less likely to hold back with a drink inside me. I sit on the bench facing the gate so I can see when he enters. Despite it being late July, the day is grey, overcast and a bit chilly. The instant Marcus appears, I shiver.
Marcus isn’t ugly, not by any means and if I didn’t know his personality or lack of, I would definitely look twice and thinkphwoar. Especially right now, dressed in a light grey suit and pale blue shirt and tie that match his eyes perfectly. His blond hair is over-styled though. It’s in need of a cut, and he’s put too much product in to try and hold it in place.
My wine-addled thoughts wander, and before I’ve noticed, he’s standing in front of me.
“Nina. I’ve missed you, baby. How are you?” He reaches for my hand, which I refuse to give him and instead, give him a look like I think he’s insane. I watch as a nerve twitches in his jaw. Something that I know happens when he’s pissed off.
“What’s so important that we had to meet in person, Marcus? I’ve really got nothing to say to you.”
I’m suddenly feeling angry. Pissed off with the way the path of my life has been twisted and turned to suit other people. Pissed off with myself for being so weak and staying in a loveless, sexless marriage for so long.
Now I’m with Conner, it’s opened my eyes up to how it should be. We talk. Conner and I, we talk and talk for hours on end, about everything and nothing. We make love on a whim. He makes me feel desired, wanted, needed. He makes me feel valued, that what I have to say and my opinions are important. I know it’s still early days, but I never experienced any of these things with Marcus. Not even in the beginning, and even though I didn’t have Conner back then, I still should’ve ended my sham of a marriage sooner, for both our sakes.
“I wanted to see you, Nina. I’m really missing you,” he says, sitting down on the bench next to me.
“Why Marcus? What exactly is it you’re missing about me?” I stare straight ahead as I speak. Despite the grey skies, I’ve kept my sunglasses covering my eyes. They’re probably a little glassy looking, and I don’t want him to know that I’ve had a drink this early in the day. I want him to think that my new found confidence and bravery is my own doing and not alcohol induced.
“What do you mean, what do I miss? I miss everything. I miss you being a part of my life, Nina. You’re my wife, your place is with me.”
I finally turn and look at him.
“I’m soon to be your ex-wife, and I really don’t see what difference not having me around has made to your life. You were hardly ever home anyway, and when you were, you barely acknowledged my existence. My thoughts and opinions were never sought, my attendance in your life rarely required. We didn’t even have a sex life to fall back on. So tell me, what is it exactly that you miss? Someone to belittle, someone to judge, or just someone to ignore?”
What the fucking fuck?I have no idea where all of that just came from, but yeah, go me!
“I gave you everything, Nina, fucking everything. We have a beautiful home together, holidays to the best places. You didn’t even have to work if you didn’t want to.” He pushes his own glasses to the top of his head and looks down at me with his cold, unfeeling eyes. “I picked you up from the gutter. You were the slutty little hairdresser that got knocked up and abandoned by a junky convict when she was just sixteen. I fucking made you what you are today.”
I can barely contain my anger. I want to kick, punch and scream at him, but despite the wine in my bloodstream I remain calm on the outside and think very carefully about what I’m going to say next. Marcus has always thought he was better than me, his university education making him assume he was intellectually and articulately superior.
“You know what Marcus? You should’ve left me in that gutter… because I was far happier there than I ever was being married to you… and FYI, I was never abandoned by anyone. My brother’s lies and deceit kept Conner and me apart, and it washistenacious blackmailing skills which forced me into marrying you in the first place.”
The twitch in his jaw goes into overdrive. He looks me over like I’m shit on his shoe.
“You think you’ve got it all worked out, don’t you Nina?” he sneers. Giving me his most insincere smile yet.
I hate him.
I fucking hate him.
“You really think Pearce could’ve come up with that little blackmailing scheme on his own? The timing and convenience never seemed coincidental to you, Nina? Are you that stupid and naïve that it never occurred to you that it was straight after you turned down my proposal that your brother came to you with an offer that you had no choice but to accept?”
My scalp tingles and I fight the urge to throw up all over his feet. I’m grateful to be sitting down and wearing sunglasses as I feel my eyes close and my body sway.
I feel like I’m drowning.
Choking.
Suffocating.
They were in it together.
My brother and Marcus.
My mouth waters as I swallow down the bile that keeps rising in my throat.
