Page 93 of Spiralling Skywards: Fading
The kids eventually fell asleep, and Liam helped me bring them upstairs and tuck them together in our bed. They were sleeping soundly, snuggled in and safe in my and Liam’s bed, and I finally allowed myself to completely and utterly fall apart.
In my husband’s arms, I shattered.
“I thought it was Lucas.” My words and my sobs heaved out of me. “I thought I hit the baby. That could’ve been the baby, Liam. I could’ve killed one of the kids.”
“Shhhh. It’s okay. They’re safe. Look. They’re all there and they’re safe.”
He slid down onto the floor and pulled me into his lap.
“I’ve got you, pretty girl. Always remember that. I’ve always got you.”
But he didn’t.
He was never there.
He wasn’t there for the twins.
He wasn’t there for Grandad.
He wasn’t there when I made a decision that led to the darkest day of my life, and he wasn’t there for this.
He was never there.
Luke walked into our bedroom with a bottle of bourbon and three glasses.
“No, I don’t like bourbon.”
“Just have a little drop, bub. It’ll calm you down,” Liam suggested.
I took a swig and felt the burn. My head spun so I took another. Luke slid down on to the floor next to us. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. It was a stupid, irresponsible present. I should’ve checked with the pair of you first. You’ve got your hands full as it is without giving you a puppy to look after as well. I just thought it would be good for the boys to have a dog.” My breaths were still coming out shaky, so I didn’t reply in case I started to cry again. “I’ve got some Ambien at my place if you have trouble sleeping. Just give me a ring, and I’ll drop them back over.”
“What’s Ambien?”
“Sleeping tablets,” The boys both said together.
“She won’t need them,” Liam added. “I’ll run her a bath and pour her another drink. She’ll be fine.”
Luke kissed the top of my head and left. Liam ran me a bath and while I soaked in the bubbles and sipped wine, I thought again about my life. I thought about the fact that I should never have been born. I wasn’t planned. I wasn’t wanted. I was a mistake. I shouldn’t have happened.
My children were my greatest achievement, but I had snuffed out the existence of one of them. This morning, I’d smacked another. Tonight, I’d been a threat to the baby.
They’d gotten off lightly so far. I’d probably traumatised them, but tonight at least they’d escaped physical harm. What if next time they weren’t so lucky? What if the powers that be wanted an eye for an eye? I’d ended the life of one of my children before he’d even had a chance to take his first breath, so what if now there was a price to pay? Was that the way it worked? Was that what was happening here?
Recompense?
Payback?
Well, there was no way I would let them take my children. They could have me instead.
As I came to my conclusions and made my decision, I let the fog take me. I let it swallow me whole. I let the guilt rake great big gaping wounds across my flesh, and I let the rest of who I was fade away.
Since our bed was full, Liam made us a makeshift bed on the floor. I cried while we made love quietly, and when we were done, I kissed him and whispered, “Goodbye.”
He would hurt for a little while, but it was the right thing to do.
***
Outside the school the next morning, I kissed Carter goodbye, told him that I loved him, that he was my big brave boy, and that he had to always look out for his brothers.
