Page 60 of Chasing Never
“But you’re still leaving,” I say. “Because you can’t stand to be around me.”
Nolan grimaces, looking pained.
“I understand that you’re angry with me,” I say, the words coming out rushed. “But please. You can’t. You can’t just leave.”
“I’m not leaving,” he says sternly. “I will be back. Three days. That’s all I’m asking of you. Surely you can grant me that.”
“But you could stay,” I say. “I know you’re upset, but… if you just give me some time to fix it?—”
Nolan’s shoulders sink. “There is no fixing it, Darling.”
When I let out a little sob, he sighs.
“I don’t mean us. I mean my future. I just need time. Time to process. Time… to mourn.”
“But you could do that here,” I say again.
“You’re not listening to me. You didn’t listen to me,” he snaps, his lone hand fisted. A moment later, he uncurls his fingers, placing his forehead in his hand. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice with you,” he says, though his voice is strained. It’s as if it’s taking every ounce of his self-control not to scream at me.
I might just wilt into the corner of our room.
“You didn’t listen to me,” he whispers. “I asked—I begged you to stay with me. To just let me pass on in peace. Darling, I had everything I wanted. I’d gotten to marry you. I’d gotten to spar with you on deck. I saw to it that you were free—that was all I ever wanted. That was why I gave myself over to the Sister to begin with.
“But I didn’t just get your freedom. I got everything. You made sure of that. I was able to spend the last few weeks of my life happy knowing you would be taken care of. I was content. And when I asked you to stay with me, you didn’t listen. You went against my wishes.”
“I couldn’t let you die,” I say.
“No. You couldn’t,” he says. “But I would have rather died. Don’t you understand?”
I do.
My heart sinks. All the anger I ever felt at my parents for placing me in the arms of the men in the parlor, just for the hope that they could keep me longer, slithers out of me, then, with a turn of its head, flicks its forked tongue back in my direction.
“I didn’t know this would happen,” I say. Tears stream down my cheeks. “I didn’t know the tapestry would rewrite itself.”
“I know that,” he says. “I know you didn’t mean to. And you and I—we will get past this. But for once, I need you to listen to me when I tell you what I need.”
“And you need me to leave you alone,” I say, my voice a stone cracking under the force of a hammer.
“I need some time to gather myself,” he says. “And yes. I do that best alone. But I will be back. I promise you that.”
He takes his satchel and heads for the door, but then he stops, turning back around. When he nears me, I can’t help but hope that he’s decided to stay. But then he presses a stale kiss on my forehead before turning and leaving.
When the door shuts behind him, I find that I’ve never felt so alone.
When there’sa knock on the door an hour later, I’ve already drenched the bed in tears.
I open it, expecting it to be Charlie. Instead, Maddox stands there, his bulky form taking up almost the entire doorway.
“Need some company?” he asks. He’s holding a plate of desserts in his hands.
I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself, embarrassed now at the tears and snot streaming from my face.With nothing else to wipe them on, I wipe them on the back of my hand.
Maddox pulls out a handkerchief and hands it to me.
“A more sanitary alternative,” he says, and I let out a strained chuckle.
He leaves the door open as he walks in and plants himself on the edge of the bed, patting the seat next to him.
