Page 86 of The Older Brother
“You did, though. You told the police you did it. You went to juvie. It’s in your record.” All facts. Caleb is right about that.
“Yep,” I confirm that part for him.
“So you, what . . . you lied?” His expression is tight; his face pinched with disbelief.
I shrug.
“I lied. For mom.”
My brother’s short laugh breaks with a cry, and his eyes begin to well with angry tears. He tilts his head and glances at Saylor.
“He wanted to protect her. She was angry because my mom’s a cheating bitch, and your dad’s a real disappointment.” Saylor’s blunt honesty pushes his tears onto his cheeks, so I snag one of the clean towels from her other hand and toss it to him.
“I don’t fucking need this,” he says. He blots his eyes anyhow.
“Why don’t you sit down and let me tell you everything. From the beginning.” It’s an offer I didn’t want to make, but plans aren’t ever set in stone. I must take in the wreckage left behind,and my brother needs the truth more than he needs me to shield him from it.
It takes him nearly a minute to respond, and his acceptance feels halfhearted for a long while as I start from the moment I found out about the affair and slowly walk him through everything that’s happened under his nose since then. After an hour and one trip to the bathroom, where I’m pretty sure he threw up, my brother’s body is a lot like a spent balloon, one that is no longer full of air and a beautiful shape. He’s deflated, and his body sags with grief.
“You quit basketball.” It’s strange that after all of that, after sitting with it and thinking to himself for several quiet minutes, that’s his first takeaway. It’s also rather perceptive.
“I did. It didn’t feel the same after juvie. The joy was gone.” I shrug.
My brother shakes his head, his heavy eyes lifting to mine.
“No, you love the game. I’ve played you as recently as two weeks ago, remember? You were good. Better than me.”
“I know,” I laugh out. My brother’s mouth quirks up. It’s nice to see.
“Arrogant butthole,” he chides.
Saylor snort-laughs, which sends the three of us into a short but needed bout of laughter. When we finally calm down, Caleb gets to his feet and walks toward me. The crusty towels, ruined with my blood, are now strewn all over the garage floor. My shirt is done for, too, and I’m sure my face isn’t pretty. I don’t flinch as he walks toward me because there’s not much damage left to do. Plus, I feel his shift in my bones. He’s still angry. But he’s no longer angry at me. At least, not the way he was.
He holds out his hand, and I take his palm and grip him hard, getting to my feet and pulling him to me for a real, honest to God hug. It feels strange, but it also feels right. Maybe the day willcome when the strange completely disappears and Caleb and I can be brothers again.
“I think I’m going to see if I can head to campus early, or at least spend the rest of the summer exploring the East Coast or something. Just . . . I don’t think I can be here. And it’s not because of you?—”
“I get it,” I say, meeting his eyes with an assured look. I put my hand on his shoulder and maintain our gaze, about a million unspoken thoughts passing behind my eyes as well as his. Neither of us says the hard stuff. I don’t tell him I love him, and he doesn’t say he’s sorry.
But I do.
And he is.
And we will get there.
Eventually.
We all will.
Chapter 28
The summer wentby in a blur, even when we were going through hell. It was all too fast, the good and the bad. And now I’m looking at surviving what promises to be the slowest eight months of my life. I refuse to count my winter break because I won’t get to stay with Rowan for more than a few weeks.
“What if I don’t go?” It’s the fiftieth time I’ve said those words to Rowan, and his answer is always the same.
“You have to go. And we’ll find a way to make this work.” That’s the fiftieth time he’s answered that way.
I stuff the last of my hoodies into the extra-large duffel bag Cami’s family bought me as a going-away gift. I don’t think my best friend would mind if I stayed here either. She kicked Rowan out of his own bed two nights ago so she and I could have a sleepover like we used to when we were kids. We spent the day in bed watching our favorite movies and eating garbage popcorn, an invention her mom made when she tossed every random sweet thing she had in her pantry into a bowl of popcorn once. It quickly became the official treat for Cami and Saylor.
