Page 82 of The Older Brother
I have to bite my tongue now, because I know things Caleb doesn’t, and as much as I want to throw just how wrong he is in his face, I know it’s not my place. But he needs to begin to think critically. If there’s any hope for him at all, hope for him and Rowan to ever have some sort of relationship again, Caleb needs to question things.
“Nothing was the same for him either, you know? You should probably ask him about that sometime. I bet the perspective would do you wonders.” I cap my tip off with a tight smile and exhale through my nose, closing the chapter on our conversation for now, and hopefully for a long time.
I shake my head to reset my focus as I pull open the glass door to the conference room. My mom lifts her head from her heavy reading as soon as I walk in, and I can’t help but question internally how quickly she shuts the binder.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” she says, her typical smile in place. I think she’s being genuine about being glad to see me. I just question whether it’s because she loves seeing her daughter or she’s anxious to show off me and my accomplishments.
She stands and we hug like acquaintances, her embrace likely because that’s how she is with affection, mine as an attempt to avoid her feeling any of the cables strapped under my shirt.
“Looks like you have a lot of work right now.” I nod to the binder in front of her as I sit across the table from her.
“Oh, just some light reading on security and exchange rules for marketing. Nothing that can’t wait.” She pushes the binder to the side while I bunch my lips to morph the wry smile begging to break free. The ironies simply keep lining up.
“Right. Well, I’ll try to keep this short so you can get back to it.” My comment is both on brand for how we talk to one another, as well as a little relief for how badly I’d love to call her out right now.
“Truly. It can wait. I want to talk about this change in majors you seem hell bent on executing. Have you really researched the outcomes, Saylor? I don’t know if you’re aware of the drastic lifestyle changes in store for you in shifting a business career to one of social services. And the work, Saylor. You’ll probably be spending hours on the streets or outdoors, in some heartbreaking situations, at least until you move up into management. And even those jobs aren’t valued as highly as?—”
“Oh wow, you need to stop,” I say, leaning back in my seat and spinning side to side in the swivel chair. I exhale loudly, ignoring the warning Mike-Steve gave me about how loud sounds on my end are amplified on theirs. He’ll have to deal with this one.
“I can’t stop, Saylor, because you’re my daughter. And as your mother, my job is to want more for you than I’ve had. I want better for you. I’ve worked hard so you can have any dreams you want. Don’t limit them!” Her face is red, and I know she’s flustered by me. I’ve never been like her, and she can’t understand that. I’m not suddenly going to change personalities, either.
“Mom, social workismy dream. Making an impact on a human being’s existence, even if it’s one at a time, on a molecular level, is what I want to spend my time on earth doing. It’s not a waste to me in the least. If anything, it’s the most valuable thing I can give and get in return. I’ve never felt morecertain of my path in my life.” I hold her stare, stomaching the shades of disappointment that weigh down her face. I need to pivot now, though. I’ve gotten her worked up, so it’s the perfect time to draw her into new conversations.
“You sound just like your dad,” she mutters, and I breathe out a soft laugh. She made the pivot for me.
“I saw him this weekend. Did you know he was in town?” She’s aware. I know she is because he plans to meet with her later today or tomorrow.
“I had heard.” Her expression is blank, her words careful and matter of fact.
“I went to his show. The band is good. Even you might like their music,” I joke.
She lets out a genuine laugh and shakes her head.
“I doubt that,” she says.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I lean into the table and tap my fingers along the slick surface, as if I’m playing a piano. I lift my gaze in time to catch the suspicion in her eyes.
“Did you sleep with David because you loved him or because you wanted to get ahead?” I can tell by the slight flinch in her features that she wasn’t prepared for me to be so blunt. I’m sure she wonders how long I’ve known.
“Saylor, this is an adult conversation, and it’s very nuanced. There are things you don’t know, don’t understand.”
I suck in my lower lip and lean back a hair, breathing in.
“Well, first, Iaman adult. So, we can take that barricade off the table. And second, I genuinely want to know. Did you blow up our family over love or for your career? Because I can see one more than the other for you, and it’s not the emotional connection one would normally expect.” I level her with a hard glare that doesn’t let up, even when she shakes her head and mutters something aboutnonsense.
“That’s why dad left, right? Because you cheated. And I am adult enough to understand that perhaps the two of you would have split eventually without the affair. I’m sure you had your reasons to stray, and I’m sure part of him was already out the door. You’re different people—wildlydifferent people. And I’m not real proud of either of you, to be honest. But you have always, at the very least, portrayed an air of decorum. Professionalism above all else, isn’t that right?”
“Saylor.” She keeps saying my name as if I’m a toddler about to get a timeout.
“So, it was a professional move then, is that the case? And is it still happening? Are you fucking your boss still? Yourmarriedboss?” I’m crass on purpose. I use those words because I know they’ll push her buttons. She doesn’t speak that way, at least not for anyone of consequence to hear. Her cheeks are getting redder by the second, too.
“Saylor—”
“Allison.” I mock her, and maybe that’s childish, but it’s the right move.
“Gah! No, okay? It’s not still going on. It wasn’t a long affair. It was . . . a lapse in judgement. I was lonely, perhaps. Maybe sorting out some anxiety. I made a mistake, and it was dealt with.”
I chuckle.
