Page 39 of The Older Brother
I zoom in on the photo to find context clues about where my father’s at. He always waits for me to guess. There’s a New Mexico plate on a car behind him, so I take a stab.
ME: Santa Fe?
My father loves that town. It’s full of artists. Creativity is vital to his fabric. I wish I had more of that part of him.
DAD: Close! Taos. I’ll be in Cave Creek this weekend, though.
“Oh!” I sit up talk and cover my mouth.
“Is that a goodohor did you get stung by something?” Rowan chuckles.
I turtle my head into my shoulders sheepishly and peel my hand from my mouth.
“Sorry. It was a good one. My dad is going to be in Arizona! Next weekend.”
I dive right into typing.
ME: Where? What time? Is there an age limit? I want to come!
I watch the dots on my phone come and go a few times, and my heart leaps every time they appear. Eventually, though, they stop showing up. I’m sure he’s on the road or simply got busy. He’ll let me know where he’s playing for sure. Why wouldn’t he?
“Did he invite you to the show?” Rowan asks after a few quiet seconds.
“I asked if I could come. I haven’t seen him since I was sixteen, and he had to pick me up then, so you know . . . he had to see mom. They were cordial, but it was weird. I’d rather just visit him on my terms, without having to share it with her. It’smyrelationship, you know?”
Rowan nods and pulls his mouth tight on one side.
“Yeah, I get it. I’m sure you’re invited.”
He glances over his shoulder as he switches lanes, and when his eyes pass over me again, I sense something lingering behindthem. I’m not sure about much lately, especially when it comes to Rowan and me. But I have to try.
“Hey, would you want to?—”
My phone buzzes, cutting me off, and I drop my gaze to read the name of the venue along with an address and a guarantee that my name will be at the door.
“He sent it! It’s next Saturday! I’m going to see him in one week!” I’m practically bouncing in my seat as I type back that I’ll be there.
“That’s great, Saylor. I hope you get a chance to spend extra time with him, too. I’ll think of you while Mig, Jersey and I roam the Tucson auction for more investment cars to flip.”
“Oh,” I say, my tone a little too obvious with disappointment. “Yeah, that’s next weekend too, I mean. I forgot.”
“Yeah, it’s the biggest one for us because the price points are usually pretty low. Who knows, maybe I’ll find another gem like that Vette back there.” He leans his head back, and I twist in my seat to take in the murky headlamps on the car strapped to the trailer behind us.
“Yeah.” The word slips out in a haze, and as excited as I am to see my dad, my chest aches because Rowan won’t be there for it.
“I’m really glad for you, though.”
“Hmmm?” I turn my attention to his profile. He reaches over and taps a finger to the tip of my nose. I follow it in and out, letting my eyes cross and uncross.
“I’m happy you’re figuring out the things you want, I mean. I’m happy you’re getting some of them. Like seeing your dad. It’s good. You deserve to get those things.” His gaze lingers on me for the briefest moment, and I start to lean in just as he turns away. I sit back instead and return my attention to the black and white highway markers counting every tenth of a mile as we whip past them. I clamp my teeth down on my thumbnail after propping my elbow along my window and draw in a deep breath.
I want you, too.
The thought slips in and out of my head as we roar down the mountain highway and into the Valley. I try to open my mouth a dozen times and push those words out, to vocalize them, but something stops me every time. I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to be seductive. It’s not some simple flirtatious line meant to get his hand in my pants. I mean it as in I want to explore thisusthing we’ve started and see where it goes. I want to do more with him beyond having sex. I want to show up places together, hold hands and kiss in public. But those things might be too much to ask for given who we are and how we became . . . whatever it is we are.
Maybe Rowan and I are a spark in time, a fleeting event that creates change. It doesn’t make it any less special. It simply makes it brief. And that . . . that makes me sad.
Chapter 13
