Page 29 of Rage & Paradise
Estrella
I promised myself that I’d never bring this shit up to Oro. I promised that I wouldn’t put this on his head. I don’t know how he felt about his mother but after he hears what I have to say I know any hope of him having any love in his heart for her will be gone.
It’s heavy.
“You saved me? What the hell are you talking about. You’re the reason I was put out on the street.”
“Better you on the street than with my father.” I can’t keep the emotion out of my voice.
“Explain yourself, Estrella.”
There’s no choice but to start at the beginning. It’s been a while since I’ve had to go over this, the second since with someone else. The last person I told everything that happened with my father was Sina.
“Do you know how my father made all his money. Why we were so well off compared to the other people who lived in our town?”
Oro’s face crumbled a little as if he were confused. “He owned a club or lounge. Something like that.”
“Yeah, something like that.” I chuckle joylessly. “It was a club but it wasn’t for dancing or anything like that. It was for gambling. There was poker, blackjack, all of it under the table. On any given night there would be hundreds of thousands of dollars exchanging hands in my father’s place.”
“Okay, well that makes sense. Probably why my mother was so determined to stay with him. I know plenty of people who do some underhanded shit to get ahead in this world. Doesn’t mean he was a fucking monster.”
“He was a fucking monster!” I snap at Oro, “Just listen...” I steal myself for what I’m about to say. “My father didn’t like to lose. Never. He knew that there was a chance that someone would win big and when those times happened he made sure that he would have something other than money that they would want so he wouldn’t have to pay out. Drugs, booze, trips, women.”
Oro stays quiet and continues to look at me waiting for me to continue.
“The first time my father brought me to the back room it was exciting. He allowed me to go around and serve the people gambling. He was treating me like a big girl even though I was only nine. I liked helping him. Liked being there with him. All of that changed when he started to dress me up like I was older than I was. When he started having me wear makeup and extra short skirts. He made me walk around with no panties on.”
“The fuck…” Oro gasps and his face turns white.
“Still I never said anything because I wanted to be his good girl. He bought me everything I ever asked for. Took me on every trip I wanted to go on. He told me as long as I did what he wanted me to do, and didn’t complain too much about it he would always take care of me.
It was fine for a while. A long while, six months or so until one night a man who’d been coming to the club for a while won really big. I don’t know how much it was but my father was making it seem like paying the guy out would destroy him. I didn’t know much about it. Just felt bad that my father was going through a bad time. The next day my father took me on a long drive. Took me fishing. While were on the water he had a talk with me. Told me I was a woman now and that I needed to start acting like it. Told me that I had something that so many people wanted and if I would help him out by giving it up he’d love me forever.”
My chest feels like it’s caving in as I continue to tell my story, “I didn’t understand. I just wanted to help. It seems the only thing the winner from the night before wanted more than all that money was my virginity. I was eleven years old.” I looked up at Oro and he’s shaking in anger. “That night my father traded me to that man and it was the first of many. After that, every night I would have to do something else. The word got out that I was on the list of prizes and horrible men came out in droves. Some of them just wanted me to dance, some of them wanted me to act like a little girl while they pleasured themselves, some of them wanted to fuck me. They all wanted me and my father just wanted me to sell the dream.”
Oro gasps as he hears me say that last line. Now he knows where I learned all I know.
“It was all happening so fast that and I didn’t know how to stop it. But at least I could say that it was only happening to me. Unfortunately it didn’t only happen to me for much longer. Soon the request became to much. I couldn’t keep up. My father did the only thing a business man could do. He expanded. He started pulling in other young girls. Girls who didn’t have much or any way to turn him down. Slowly, the roster expanded from just me to at least six other little girls. The requests became more andmore unhined. At one point, my father stopped only offering us up to those he needed to pay and was accepting appointments on our behalf. I stood by one day after a man had abused me and watched my father put a bullet in his head simply because he couldn’t pay what he owed.” I shuddered at the memory.
I can still smell the burning smoke from the gun and the metallic smell from the blood coming from the man’s head. Can still see the blood splatter on the wall I’d have to clean up later.
“Through all of that, my father kept it drilled in my head that he was doing all this for me. That he had to do these things to keep me fed and clothed. That I was lucky. He told me if I complained or caused any trouble it would all stop. I’d be like those homeless people on the street with nothing. He wouldn’t be there to protect me. I was scared, Santi. So scared. But what scared me even more was the fact that the other girls didn’t seem to be getting the same treatment I was getting. I was the princess of this little fucked up ball and it made me feel like I was better than them. I was turning out to be just like my father.” I swipe the tears from my face and jerk my eyes up so I can capture his gaze. I want him to know I’m telling the truth about what I say next.
“Just as I was starting to understand that this was my life and that I would have to live like this forever, my father met your mother. There was a time I thought meeting her meant that things would change. Maybe he’d change. It didn’t happen. You’re mother was a regular at the club. She didn’t have many people requesting her, by this time the gamblers only were interested in one of two things. Money or young kids. It’s the stuff of fucking nightmares. The requests started to get stranger and stranger but I tried to be strong. Be a good girl. It was only when I walked in on my father and your mother talking one night that I knew I couldn’t keep on. They were talking about you, Santi.
Apparently, one of the men who won a large amount of money on the table had a specific request. He wasn’t interested in the children that my father had here. He was interested in you. Your mother didn’t even fight my father on the idea. Just told him that you wouldn’t go for it. That you would fight. My father promised her that he’d get your ready. He’d prepare you for what was to come. That’s why he wanted to start spending time alone with you. Why he wanted to take you out for fishing trips. Why all of a sudden he wanted to take a bigger role at being a good step father for you.
I knew if he’d succeded somehow you’d be in those back rooms with me. That’d they hurt you. You were so sweet, so nice… I didn’t want what was happening to me to happen to you so I lied. I made up everything I could to keep you introuble. To keep you out of my father’s grasp. You didn’t deserve that Santi. I tried to save you in the only way I knew how.”
Oro stands and shakes his head, his eyes are wet as if he’s about to cry but he doesn’t let the tears fall. “No way, my mother wouldn’t have let that happen.”
“She would’ve. You didn’t see it. She was already dependent on my father. He spoiled her. Gave her money when she was used to having nothing. You’re mother would have sold her very soul to the devil if it meant she wouldn’t have to go back to poverty. She would’ve sold you and she did.”
“This is fucking crazy.” Oro turns his back on me and I watch his shoulders go up and down as he takes in deep breaths. He’s trying to calm himself.
“I know.” After calming myself a bit I stand and walk over to him. I put a hand on his shoulder trying to comfort him but he spins away from my touch.
“I hated you. I wished you dead. From the very moment I found myself out on the street I wished all the worse on you.”
