Page 34 of Playing With Fire
Moving both of my hands to Shannon’s back, I start rubbing soothing circles across her hoodie, my fishing lines completely abandoned.
She’s back to nuzzling her face in my neck and I feel the instant her lips connect with my skin. I bite back the groan because I’m happy to listen to her and help her through whatever this is, but I would hate myself if she felt any pressure tocross a line she isn’t ready for—or worse, if I let her cross that line out of spite for whatever her husband has done.
I turn my head to look down at her and gently remove my skin from her greedy mouth. She notices the distance and isn’t a fan.
“Why doesn’t anyone want me?” Instead of a pout, I hear only genuine curiosity in her voice and that’s so much worse, becausehow can she think that?
“Who said I don’t want you?”
“You won’t kiss me.”
“It has nothing to do with me not wanting you, Shannon. You’re married and I’m…complicated. It would be easy to get carried away and let you take all of your frustrations, hurt, and anger out on me, but a piece of me would die later when you woke up and saw me as nothing more than a regret,” I admit.
This makes her sit up. Still not a fan of the distance, she places her hands back on my chest, staring holes into my jacket-covered pecs in the darkness. Thank God for my layers because if she were to put her hands to my scorched skin, I don’t know that I’d be able to hold back.
“Well, my husband doesn’t want me. He’d rather get off to porn by himself than make any effort to be with me.”
My blood boils in rage. What kind of an asshole has a woman like this at home and starves her for affection because he prefers his own hand?An arrogant, self-absorbed, insecure asshole, that’s who.
I bring my hands to rest on her waist, loving how it indents before her hips flare out. What I wouldn’t give for her to turn so she’s straddling me and I could?—
Hudson, you fucking dick, pay attention or you’re no better than her asshat of a husband.
“Shannon, you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on, and if this was just about two people wanting eachother, I’m certain we’d have no problem. But we aren’t just two people.”
Suddenly, her eyes snap to mine like she’s actually noticing me for the first time.
“Jesus Christ, Hudson, I’m so sorry.” She goes to move off my lap, but I hold her in place. “You don’t want to hear all of this. God, I don’t even know what I’m doing anym?—”
“Shannon, stop.”
She keeps trying to pull away.
“I can’t believe I’m here. I need to?—”
“Shannon,stop.”
She’s in full-blown panic mode. Squirming in my lap, trying to run away again. She can’t drive like this and I can’t get her to focus. It’s almost like she’s on something, but I recognize the intense need to flee in order to make the trauma not real. I saw it more times than I could count when I was deployed. I saw it again in my sister after Will died.
Needing to ground her fast, I cup her face in my hands and pull her to me. Less than an inch apart, I whisper, “Shannon, stay with me. You’ve had an argument with your husband. They happen. You haven’t done anything wrong. You needed someone to talk to and I was here. You haven’t crossed any lines. You’re hurt, but you can recover from this.”
Ever so slowly, her eyes come into focus, unfortunately, they’re now full of desire and staring at my lips.
“That’s the thing. I don’t think Iwantto recover from this. I’m tired, Hudson. I’m tired of trying to keep everyone afloat by myself. I’m working to make changes in my life, but I still feel so alone.” She sighs and nods, regaining control of herself, causing me to drop my hands from her face. “What do I do?” she asks, the sadness in her voice fucking gutting me.
I think about her question for a minute before starting cautiously. Choosing to take Jake’s approach, I list her choices. “The way I see it, you have three options.” She might have more, but only three will help her make progress so she doesn’t end up back here, and possibly in the arms of someone dangerous and willing to take advantage of the situation. “You can stay with him and work it out. You can stay with him and continue to be miserable. Or you can leave.”
“All of those choices feel impossible,” she says with a humorless laugh.
“None will be easy,” I admit. “But you said you were already making some changes in your life. What does that mean?”
She shifts her weight and in a lithe movement, swings her left leg over my lap and slides it under the small armrest of the chair…which means she’s now straddling me. She’s wearing sweatpants and the loose material forms to her where we’re connected, offering no substantial barrier. The only defense we have right now is the zipper on my jeans and I’m about to test the shit out of this manufacturer.Okay Levi, let’s see what you’ve got.
“Well, I’ve decided I’m going back to work. It was actually a conversation you and I had that helped me pull that trigger,” she says nervously, like she’s waiting for my judgement.
“That’s a big step forward. I’m really proud of you.” I don’t know how to tell her that I’m happy for her without sounding like Iwanther marriage to fail so I can shoot my shot, but what’s she’s doing is really fucking hard and Iamproud of her. Going up against the people we love is a much more challenging beast than overcoming the thoughts of strangers, which is already hard enough.
The more she talks about her field and the jobs she’s applied for, the more animated she becomes and it causes her to wiggle in my lap. Her feet don’t touch the sand when she’s sitting like this, and I swear she’s got to be pumping her legslike she’s on a swing for as much as she’s sliding back and forth.
