Page 27 of Playing With Fire
My heart races as I watch out the window for the familiar truck to pull up. It’s both incredible and disturbing how much I look forward to the three minutes Hudson graces my doorstep.
For the rest of my life, I’ll never forget what his mouth-watering body looked like as my daughter clung to his chest.
I hear the door on the back of his truck roll up and I break out in a sweat.
Serafina’s not asleep, but she’s content watching an old Scooby Doo movie, playing with her foam letters in herbouncy-chair. We didn’t take our walk today so she’s not running low on energy, but I no longer mind her waking hours like I once did.
When Hudson comes around the back of the truck, all the blood vacates my brain, making me so dizzy I have to brace myself with a hand on the doorframe.
“Hi,” I say awkwardly as he takes the stairs to the porch two at a time, the forbidden interaction kicking my libido into overdrive.
Is he really this fucking gorgeous or is it just the excitement and the danger making me feel this way?
I get my answer as soon as he opens his mouth. “Hey, Shannon,” he replies, his voice low as he pulls the scanner and pen from his belt with one hand while holding the box containing my lingerie with the other. He’s guarded today, just like me.
I sign quickly and return the device, waiting for him to place the box in my hands. The company’s stamp is on the front and although it’s discreet, most people recognize the brand name.
“I hope everything in that box is crimson. It’s your color for sure.” Before I can say anything, he adds, “I’ve got to run. See you around.”
It feels likegoodbye,which is ridiculous because we never really had ahello.So why am I so torn up over it? I stand on my porch with my box in my hands as he slams his truck door closed, gives me a wave, and drives away.
I blame the tears on the emotions I’m still trying to regulate after having Serafina. It only takes me a moment to recognize the familiar feeling for what it actually is: disappointment.
Would I ever actually leave Gregor? Probably not. He’s the father of my child. Would I cheat on him? I honestly don’t believe I have that in me, either.
But watching Hudson drive away with the freedom to livehis life however he wants, with whomever he wants, punches a hole through my chest so large it’s suddenly hard to breathe. He was never mine, but in a few, short encounters, I’d started to wonder what it would be like if he was.
I take my lingerie inside, give my baby girl a kiss on her cheek, give her an applesauce pouch, and open the box. I want to try each piece on immediately, wishing more than ever that my husband would be ecstatic about an interruption to his workday for pictures of me in these decadent clothes.
Hudson would be.
The thought plants itself in my mind without my permission and refuses to leave…until Hudson’s words from the lake haunt me instead of my own:not if it leaves you empty and chasing desire somewhere else.
How did Gregor and I get to a point where my interaction with the delivery guy evokes more desire in me than the man I’ve known and loved for over a decade? I feel like I’m trying to save myself from drowning in a sea of despair and Greg’s not even aware I’ve gone overboard.
Though, one thing is growing clearer by the day…I can’t keep living like this. I don’t resent my role as a mother as much as I used to, and I’ve grown fond of Serafina and I’s routine over the last few weeks. It feels like we trust each other more now and I love that.
But I barely recognize myself anymore.
I want to like myself again.Feellike myself.Actlike myself. Not like some simpering housewife reduced to begging for her husband’s affection.
I’m hesitant to put Serafina in daycare so soon after finally finding our groove, but Hudson’s words about thatalsoring in my head. I’m fortunate enough to nothaveto take a job immediately. I can look around for something that is the perfect fit, but I’ve madeup my mind.
I’m going back to work.
Filled with excitement, I begin to look at options that would allow me to work remotely. Telehealth options really picked up after the pandemic, even for neurologists like me.
I also make an appointment for my first tattoo.
It’s time I take back control of my life.
Since I can’t give in to the urge to show my new lingerie to Hudson, and Gregor isn’t interested in seeing it, I decide to take myself on a very important date. A date to remind myself that I am more than the roles I play to others. To remind myself that although it may not be thenormor what society deemsappropriate,I am—and always have been—a very sexual woman. Craving those intimate moments when your heart races, your breathing becomes erratic, and you’re consumed with need for the other person.
I miss that confident woman who was proud of her body and felt loved, desired, seductive…in control.
I want her back.
And that’s how, three weeks later, I end up dropping Serafina off to my mom and check-in to a downtown studio with Kiera, the busty boudoir photographer currently doing my hair.
