Page 42 of Playing With Fire
“Are you going to make me drag it outof you or will you save us the time and just jump in with whatever the hell is going on?”
I’m not even sure what I’m going to say until I just blurt the words out loud and to be honest, they aren’t the words I was planning on saying. I meant to confess the sins I’ve committed with Hudson, but my brain has other plans.
“I’m leaving Greg.” It’s the first time I’ve fully committed to the thought, but as soon as it’s out, I feel a wave of relief so great, I could cry. I expect a shocked gasp, a groan of disappointment, an emotionalwhy?But I’m met with total silence on the other end of the line. “Um, Mom? You still there?”
She takes a deep breath and exhales into the phone. “You’re sure? You’ve already made up your mind?”
I sit with her questions for a moment and really let them sink in until I’m sure of my answer, and I realize with absolute certainty that even if things don’t work out between Hudson and I, things are over between me and Gregor. His actions over the last several months have built a wall between us that I no longer care to climb.
“Yes. I’m sure. My mind is made up.”
“How long have you known?” she asks, still sounding cautious.
Another good question. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I knew, but I think our weekend away really sealed the deal. “I was hanging on by a thread when Greg took me out of town this last time. Every choice he made was based on what he wanted and it was just him trying to placate me without making any changes to actually fix our problems. As soon as he agreed to the trip he’s on right now, despite our marriage being in serious trouble, I lost the desire to fight for it anymore, realizing that I’ll always take the backseat to whatever goal he’s chasing.”
“Does heknow?” my mom asks rationally.
“Not yet. I just accepted a job offer and I start in two weeks. I’d like to get a few more ducks in a row before I tell him, because I doubt he’s going to let me leave peacefully.”
“You’re going back into medicine?” She skips over the other stuff for now. It’s impossible to miss my mom’s tone of excitement and I smile even though she can’t see me.
“Yeah. I miss it,” I confess. “What do you think about the other part?” I ask warily. Even as an adult, I want to make my parents proud, and having some kind of approval for this massive decision could go a long way.
“What do I think about it? I think it’s about damn time,” my mother says, shocking the hell out of me. “Your father and I have been biting our tongues about Gregor for years, Shannon.”
“What?!”This is news to me. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because you were already married by the time he started changing. And then he became the father of my grandchild. And quite frankly, it isn’t our place to say anything. You have to liveyourlife without our opinions interfering.”
I huff a laugh. “Unless of course, your opinion is that my husband isn’t the same man I met at the altar and would help me feel like I’m not the only one who seems to realize it.”
“But there was really no way for us to know that, now was there?” She’s not judging me even though she’s turning the question around on me. I guess I could’ve said something sooner, but I had mistakenly placed my parents in the same category as the general public—those who will think I’m crazy.
“Well, come over for coffee, or maybe something stronger, and you can tell me all about it. You know your father and I will help you however we can. I’m so proud of you for following your dreams and going back into medicine.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll come by soon, I promise.”
“Everything’s going to work out, honey,” she reassures mein that way that mothers can even if they—like the rest of us—have no idea what the future holds.
Part of me can’t believe I rode Hudson, fully clothed, and dry-humped him until we both got off. The other part of me, the part that has long-since been dormant, stretches her legs and arches her back like she’s emerging from a hundred-year slumber, ready to make up for lost time.
When my mom and I get off the phone, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m also crawling the walls inside this house and I need to get out. When I turn to discover that Serafina has thrown her pureed apple pouch across the room, I realize she needs a change of scenery as well.
After putting her in clean clothes, she and I venture to the aquarium, excited to get out and make memories. Serafina loves to watch the fish, and I love to watch the fishandthe people.
It’s not terribly crowded today since it’s a Monday and not a school holiday. We’ve stopped at the whale tank, Serafina in awe on my lap, watching the giant creature slowly swim back and forth, when my phone dings, alerting me to a text.
There’s no stopping the smile on my face once I dig it out and see Hudson’s name on the screen.
Hudson
How are you feeling?
Shannon
Better than I have any right to. You?
The grin on my face is starting to make my cheeks hurt until his next text comes through.
