Page 12 of From the Ashes
Phoenix
~ EIGHT YEARS LATER ~
Icollapse into bed, exhausted after a fire kept me and the guys on our feet with adrenaline coursing through our veins for the last four hours. It was easily one of the worst fires we’ve fought, but thankfully, the skin-safe flame retardant I developed in college saved a life tonight. That always makes me feel decent. Like I’m not totally wasting my life.
I like my job and I need it to keep my demons at bay, but ever since I left the rodeo circuit, I can’t deny that something’s missing. Racing to a fire certainly gives me the adrenaline rush I crave, but a fire is unpredictable in ways riding a bronc never was. Riding bareback on a thousand-pound, pissed-off monster provides a connection to the beast I’ve never found with a raging inferno.
The kick I took to the head ended up giving me so much swelling in my brain that doctors had to drill a hole in my skull to relieve the pressure. It also required that I be put into a medically-induced coma.
When I woke up, my coach told me I couldn’t suffer another hit to the head or it would most likely end mylife instead of just my career. I was forced to not only end my career early, but to end it on a ride that cost me my title. The same title Walker DeVille has now won six times.
To this day, I blame him for ruining me and almost getting me killed. I’m still bitter as hell that he wouldn’t evenacknowledgeme, or nod, orsomething,considering what we’d shared the previous night.
I still hate myself for it, but when I came-to in the hospital, I’d asked for him. Asked if Walker had left any messages for me. I needed some kind of explanation for his coldness and distance, but there’d been nothing.
I’m ashamed to admit I still watch replays of his rides. I can’t bring myself to watch them live though because that would feel too much like sharing a moment with him.
“Phoeeeenix,” Cassie sings my name into the phone. “You still there?”
“Yeah. Sorry, Cass,” I apologize to one of my best friends. “That fire took it out of me. Just calling to let you know I’m safe.” Which she’s asked me to do after every fire since the day I pulled her twin brother, Dylan, and his husband, Jake—two more of my best friends—out of a burning building.
“Thanks, Phoe. Get some sleep. Oh!” she adds before I disconnect, causing me to bring the phone back to my ear in time to hear her say, “I’m coming up for a visit in three weeks. Pencil me in, okay?”
“I’ll write your name in permanent marker across the whole week,” I promise with a yawn, knowing she can hear my smile despite my exhaustion. “Send me the dates.”
“I will. Love you, Phoe.”
“You too, Cass.”
When I first met Cassie, I dropped to one knee in my front yard and asked her to marry me. I didn’t even know her name yet. Cassie and Dylan are Mexican-American with dark skin,dark hair, and piercing blue eyes. I triedhardto get Cassie in my bed for several months, but she never caved.
She’s easy to talk to and has an excitement for life like I once held, and it draws me to her. Eventually, we started talking every couple of days and she keeps me sane. The rest of our friend group—Hudson, Jake, and Knox—isn’t convinced that we aren’t sleeping together, and I’m pretty sure they all expect us to get married, but it’s not like that. In fact, Cassie gives me hell about the revolving door of one-night-stands I keep these days, but not out of jealousy. No, the intuitive beauty is worried about me.
I wish I could tell her there’s no reason to be, but as I get older and watch my friends settle down, I find myself pulling away. Unable to bear being around their budding love and happy families, I always end up either drinking more than I intend to or letting myself get carried away with a woman I have no intention of remembering in the morning.
I haven’t slept with another man since that night with Walker. I’ve tried a few times, but all I see when I close my eyes are Walker’s goddamn lips…and that blank look on his face that still haunts me. I get lost in the memory before I even give the guys I’m with a chance.
Eight years ago, I apologized for ruining Walker for other men, when in reality it washimthatruinedme.
Half an hour after I get off the phone with Cassie, I finally fall into a fitful sleep, haunted by milk chocolate eyes and a deep, soothing voice. It’s the same fucking dream I have every time I fight a fire. Like my body and mind are too exhausted to maintain the proper defenses, allowing the gut-wrenching memories of my night with Walker to take hold.
“Cassie!”As the chorus of her name rings through baggage claim, Cassie’s face breaks out in a wide smile, and we hear her laugh as she opens her arms to her brother. Although we all love her, me more than most, Cassie is closest to her twin, and it’s understood that the first hug belongs to him.
He picks her up and twirls her around as she laughs. “I didn’t expect an entire entourage!”
Me, Dylan, Jake, Hudson, Shannon, and Knox all made the trek to the airport to welcome Cassie home. She’s been in Miami working on a certification to become a medical interpreter for the last eighteen months. She graduates in the spring, and we couldn’t be happier for her. Especially if it means she’s coming home to stay.
Cassie moves through the group, her hug lingering when she gets to Shannon. The girls bonded immediately when they met and are still extremely close. Makes sense as the only women in a group of rowdy guys.
When Cassie finally turns to give me my hug, I kiss her square on the mouth like always. When I pull away, I flash a middle finger around to the other guys and wink at Cass. “Saved the best for last, didn’t you?” I can’t help but notice that she looks slightly uncomfortable with the normal greeting, which is new.
“Mm hmm, keep telling yourself that.” She swats my chest and loops her arm through Shannon’s. Dylan has her bag and we all sigh in contentment now that our group is whole once again.
We drive straight to Cassie’s favorite Mexican restaurant,and while everyone is chatting happily and guzzling margaritas, she announces loudly from the seat next to me, “I hope you guys are all free Thursday night! The rodeo’s in town and I thought it would be a lot of fun to go! Phoenix can be our own personal guide and explain what’s happening!”
Everyone around me gets excited while I’m left white-knuckling the table, trying to keep my food from reappearing. They all know I competed back in the day, even though I don’t talk about it much. My championship belt buckles still hang in the living room of my farm house because apparently, I’m a glutton for punishment. But my friends wouldn’t understand my hesitance to go since I’ve never mentioned my history with Walker—who is still competing.
I tradedridingthe bucking broncos forowningthem and paying others to train them, and my farm is where I’m happiest these days. I ride tractors, bale hay, get up early, and drink my coffee thick and black. I’m also a stock contractor for the facility here. Which means it’s my broncs the competitors try to tame when the rodeo comes to town. Although I don’t stay and watch—I never allow myself that—Idoget to spend small amounts of time in the environment that was once home to me.
