Page 64 of From the Ashes
“Then why aren’t you already out?” I ask.
Walker laughs and shakes his head. “You’re more concerned about my closeted status than the fact that I share an eight-year-old son with my high school girlfriend?”
Okay, so logically, I can see that the kid might be the more challenging item overall, but honestly? “Yes. I have no doubt that you’ll make a great addition to Colton’s life no matter what role or title you guys choose. But look at the response you got from your coach when you came out, Walker. How much worse do you think the responses will be from other riders?”
His left hand dives into my hair, curling into a fistto grip me by my roots as he responds. “I cared once, but that was because I’d already lost you. If getting you back means I have to endure some ridicule, pigeonholing, and harassment from small-minded, insecure people, then so fucking be it, Phoenix.”
The passion in his voice almost makes me cave, but one of us has to think this through. What would our future actually look like? Since neither of us expected the current situation, I know he hasn’t thought past the summer.
It kills me to do it, but I try to explain why we still can’t start this. Why it may never be in the cards for us. I run my hands up his back, selfishly reveling in his warmth and vitality for as long as I can.
“I’ve thought about you every day for the last eight years, Walker. Notoneday has gone by without your name crossing my mind. Truthfully? I’ve watched every ride you’ve taken and read every article that’s been published about you. I follow all your sponsors on social media just so I never miss a picture or an update about your season. I’ve played ten millionwhat ifscenarios in my head, but never in a million years did I expect this to be one of them. And the reality is that this is temporary. You’re leaving at the end of the summer, and when you’re gone, I’ll still be here, in this house, with all the memories we’d make. I can’t live like that, and you can’t give me more. Not without risking your career. So, we can’t start this because I won’t survive the end when it comes.”
It's fucking ironic that I’ve spent so long being mad at him and hating myself for what transpired between us, and when I finally find out that I never should have been angry at himormyself, we still can’t be together.
Walker grabs my face and passionately protests, “I’ll come out. What people think doesn’t matter to me.”
“You’ll lose your sponsorships,” I argue. “At least half. Maybe more. You could miss out on invitational events thatoffer big prize purses and necessary points for the season. And the list goes on.”
“Fuck the sponsors,” he says, growing angry. “And the rest of that is speculation. I’ll figure it out. Justplease,don’t say no.Give this a chance.”
“We can’t,” I say weakly.
“Stop being such a goddamn coward!” Walker yells, punching me in the shoulder with his left hand. “I’m telling you I don’t care about the sponsors. I’ll ride the fucking IGRA circuit if I have to, Phoenix. It’smycareer. It’smychoice!”
“You won’t be happy at the top of the IGRA circuit, Walker, and you’ll grow to resent me for the fact that you’re there. Don’t kid yourself. The Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association is the largest rodeo association in the world. The IGRA hosts afractionof events compared to them and while the IGRA has some phenomenal fucking riders, we both know your talent deserves the stage of the PRCA,” I point out, completely bypassing his comment.
“Maybe you should letmedecide what stages I’m willing to compete on and stop projecting just because you didn’t have time to make different choices for your career.”
I know he’s hurt, butdamnif that wasn’t a low blow. I’m trying to protect us both. Can’t he see that?
I gently push him off me and stand, having maxed out my ticket for this emotional rollercoaster. As my foot hits the first step in the foyer, I call over my shoulder, “I pray you never know what it feels like to be forced out of the sport you love.”
Walker’s response is immediate from the floor of my living room. “I can’t imagine it’s any worse than being forced away from themanI love.”
My step falters.
Did he just say…love?
Chapter 29
Walker
It’s been thirty-six hours since Phoenix’s lips were last pressed against mine. And I can still barely breathe.
We’ve kept our interactions to a minimum since blowing up at each other, our hearts scorched and raw, but I have to talk to him. I’m supposed to meet Alexis this afternoon and a sick part of me still hopes he’ll come along. Phoenix isn’t working today, but I haven’t seen him all morning so I send him a text.
Walker:
I’m meeting Alexis in two hours. I can take the Jeep if needed?
Phoenix:
I’m taking you.
Walker:
Just seems like a lot for where weare right now.
