Page 15 of From the Ashes
Something about the gesture guts me.
Dylan grabs Jake by the back of his neck and pulls him to himself, not bothering to hide the amount of tongue he’s using. At some point, Jake lowers the can of beer and places it on Dylan’s muscular chest, but Dylan continues to tongue-fuck him anyway, all thoughts of the beer cast aside.
“God, they really know how to kiss, don’t they?” Cassie asks. She’s kicked her way over to me, forearms draped over apool noodle as her feet dangle in the murky lake water below. There’s no point in trying to pretend I wasn’t staring, so I stay quiet and give a noncommittal nod, even though in my head I’m vehemently agreeing. They make kissing look like it could be the main act.
Watching Jake and Dylan always takes me back to the last time Ifelt a man’s hard body beneath my fingers, toyed with his pecs, felt the velvety-smooth head of his cock. It was the best moment of my life…right until it became the worst.
“I would ask if they make you want to settle down anytime soon, but Jake tells me you’re doing just fine destroying all the hearts and private parts of the town’s willing population. Seems plenty of women still want to take Phoenix Harding for a ride,” Cassie teases, bumping her shoulder into mine.
Finally, I tear my gaze away from Jake and Dylan and slide it to Cassie with an arched brow. “Why are you talking to Jake about my sex life? Jealous?” I’m teasing back, but it comes out flat.
The truth is, watching Jake and Dylan fucking hurts, but I’m hellbent on doing it anyway. When they decided to elope because they didn’t want the drama of a big wedding after what they’d endured, I hate to admit I was relieved. The way they look at each other is captivating and it draws me in, but I’ve lost all hope that anyone will ever look at me like that again, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to stomach the incessant hearts in their eyes for one another.
Next to me, Cassie lowers her voice so only I can hear. “You might be fooling the rest of these blind-ass idiots, but I see the way you watch Jake and Dyl. You’re missing someone, and if I had to bet, that someone isn’t a woman.” My eyes whip to hers, telling her she’s right, but I try to recover anyway.
“I watch Hud and Shannon too,” I admit before hearing how creepy that sounds. “I mean, I just like watching myfriends be happy. And to your earlier comment, Idothink about settling down sometimes.”
In fact, I think about itallthe time.
“Hey, I’m not judging you, but you have to remember, my other half is a super attractive gay man. I know wanton lust when I see it.”
She’s not wrong. Dylan is smoking hot. One of the hottest guys I’ve ever seen actually. Hell, even Hudson gets a boner for Dylan…but Dylan’s taken by a very deserving man.
“If you’re insinuating that I’m lusting after Jake or Dyl?—”
“Notthem,Phoe. What theyhave.”
“What they have is special. I don’t think everyone’s given a shot at what they have.”
Cassie throws her head back in laughter.
“In this group? I don’t think anyone’sgivenanything. No, this grouptakeswhat they want.”
I laugh against my will. “I suppose you’re right about that.”
Growing serious, she keeps her eyes trained on the friends around us and not on me. I know she’s doing it so I don’t feel like I’m being interrogated as she asks, “So what’s stopping you from going after what you want?”
Despite the hot summer day, I’m suddenly freezing in the water. I never let myself think about Walker longer than a second. I’ve spent the last eight years perfecting the ability to ignore his name every time it flits across my mind. But Cassie’s question opens the flood gates and I can’t hold back the image of Walker clinging to me as I wrung every ounce of pleasure I could find out of his body. The image of him on his knees with his face to the floor and his ass in the air, trusting me as I drove into him, chasing a feeling I haven’t found since that night, threatens to send me to the bottom of this lake.
Because as much as I hate Walker for shutting me out andtaking everything from me, I hate myself even more becauseI still fucking want him.
“Jesus, Phoe, what’s going on?” Cassie’s hand is on my biceps, squeezing like she’s trying to get my attention.
“Phoenix, you good out there?” Hudson calls from the boat, rubbing sunscreen onto Shannon’s back.
I look around at my friends to find them all staring at me.
“Um, yeah?” I answer before looking at Cassie. “Why is everyone looking at me like that?”
“Because you just let out the most anguished groan any of us have ever heard.”
I did?
Fucking Walker.
I slap on a smile and nod, “Sorry about that. I’m fine.”
But Cassie is far too intuitive to believe my bullshit.
