Page 13 of From the Ashes
If I thought there was any way I could get out of going on Thursday, I’d take it, but there isn’t. Not without raising a million questions that I don’t want to answer. And there’s no way for my friends to know how much it will kill me to be there.
The truth is, a sick and twisted part of me is excited about the opportunity. To smell the dirt. To hear the horn declare the end of an eight-second ride. To watch man go head-to-head with beast once again.
Over the last eight years, Walker DeVille has steered clear of the rodeo in North Carolina. I know because I check the roster every year. I can only assume it’s because he knows I’mhere. He certainly doesn’t avoid any other locations, riding and claiming victories all across the country.
The media did a huge story on my injury and my retirement, and everyone in the sport was sad to see me go. There’s no way he doesn’t know where I am.
At twenty-six, Walker’s dominating the field. He only needs a handful of points to qualify for finals…again. He’s got plenty of time. There’s no reason he’d choose this year to start competing in North Carolina, meaning I can enjoy the night with my friends in an environment I’ve missed every day since I was carried off the field unconscious on a stretcher.
Chapter 7
Walker
“What do youmeanthe judges pulled my win from Wyoming?” I look up at Jonas, my coach, and really…my only friend. Everyone I train with I also compete against, and so many riders are assholes because of my last name that I don’t even bother trying to get close.
“There was a challenge on the ride and they went back to review the tape. Your left foot turned in twice which pulled your score down, allowing that kid from Kentucky to take the win.”
“But we’re still fine,” I argue. “The championship isn’t in jeopardy because of that.” I hear the desperation in my voice.
“Walker, we only signed up for two more rodeos this season because you wanted more down time before the championship ride. And I only allowed it because I knew you’d take wins in them all. But rumor has it, Jackson White is signing up for every rodeo he’s eligible for, forcing other competitors to do the same in order to stay relevant. If we don’t register, you simplywon’t have enough points for the championship, no matter how good your scores are.”
“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath before relenting. “Fine. I’ll ride anything but North Carolina.”
“What do you have against North Carolina? They have a helluva tour stop. Lot of good cowboys in that state. Hell, that’s where Phoe?—”
“Just…anywhere else, okay?” I cut him off before he can say the name.
Not a single day has gone by in the last eight years that Phoenix hasn’t crossed my mind. I ruined him the same night he saved me and forever solidified my obsession.
I doubt he remembers much about our night together, and if he does, he probably regrets every second of it. Honestly, I don’t know which would be worse because that night meanteverythingto me.
I’ll never be able to close my eyes without seeing his fading smile from where I sat in that shoot. My mind was already a clusterfuck. Part of it in the ring, zeroed-in on what needed to be done, the other part of it, one town over…where all my guilt and shame were waiting for me. I realized a second too late that Phoenix was smilingthe most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking,hopefulsmile at me. Before I could give him one in return, my shoot opened and it was time to ride. I knew he’d see that ride—it’s the only reason I got on the fucking horse that day.
I’d planned to talk to him once his own ride was done. I wanted to stay strong, but I knew I’d give in and meet him again that night if he asked.
But I never got the chance.
Instead, I watched in horror as he got thrown twelve feet in the air before landing in the dirt. He tried to roll to safety, but was too slow. I fell to my knees and threw up on the floor of the concrete hallway when he wouldn’t wake up, wishing likehell I could have whispered his own words back to him.You’re stronger than you think, and you’re going to be okay.
They carted him off the floor of the arena, unconscious, and I know, somehow, it was all my fault. Probably that stupid note. I should’ve just kept it to myself, but I wanted him to know he saved me that night even if I couldn’t say those exact words.
I hurt everyone I get close to.
After that, I knew I had to walk away completely.
I still torture myself with thewhat ifgame.What ifI’d never gone to that bonfire?What ifI’d followed through with what I’d set out to do that night instead?What ifI’d agreed to keep seeing him when he’d asked the first time?
It’s not like I expected agoodoutcome after our encounter, but I also can’t say I anticipated all the ways it would fuck with me, either.
“Look, Walker.” Jonas’s voice brings me back to the present. “I don’t know what demons you have in North Carolina, but we’ve gotta do it. The prize purse alone makes it worth it, and if something happens later in the season that prevents you from competing, you’ll be glad you got points there.”
Unfortunately, he’s right, and I can’t really argue with his logic.
Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Fine. But we’re in and out. No partying. No photo-ops. No PR shit. In. And. Out.”
Jonas holds up his hands. “Got it man, in and out.”
Fuck, my skin is already clammy and I’m still several states away. Rationally, I know Phoenix has been out of the game a long time. He probably doesn’t even keep up with the circuit anymore. But rationality and reason were never really part of the picture where Phoenix is concerned, and I’m freaking the fuck out.
