Page 45 of Gamers' Omega
“You ok?” Ian asked. “You’ve been in there a while.”
“Y-yeah.”
“Ok.” There was a pause, then, “Mind if I come in?”
“I… um… ok.”
The door opened; a soft click as it latched again. Then sound of Ian closing the toilet lid and sitting on it.
“You’re not pushing yourself, are you?”
I barked a laugh. “I was just wondering the same thing.”
“You don’t have to do this. We can put on a movie and have a cuddle pile instead.”
I sighed and shifted from my crouch to sit in the tub. I pulled my knees to my chest. “I want this. I’m scared, but I’m excited too.”
“Is it the right time though? There’s a difference between wanting it and being ready.”
“I don’t know if there’s ever a right time. Until I do it, there will always be that fear.”
“It’s not only the pain you’re scared of though, is it? There’s nothing to cause it when you’re watching.”
I leaned back and stared at the shower head. “I’ve never trusted alphas to stop before. I don’t mean as in they’d keep going once I said stop, I mean that any little movement from me would be seen as a door they could force open. A man can only hear he’ll ‘like it once he tries it’ so many times before it feels like alphas are only interested in one thing. If I let one give me a blow job or a handy, how long would it be before they insisted that since I liked that, I’d like being fucked? Instead, I built a wall. Nothing at all would happen until I felt safe—until I knew that…”
I blew out a long breath.
“Until you knew that your boundaries would be respected?” Ian asked.
“Yeah…”
“Do you feel safe with us?”
“I do, but…”
There was a beat of silence, then, “But it’s hard to tear down those walls, isn’t it.”
I nodded, then remembered that he wouldn’t be able to see me through the shower curtain. “I’ve been walled off so long that I don’t know how to live without them.”
“That makes sense.” The toilet lid creaked as he shifted. “Long term, what do you want? For yourself. Be selfish. Do you imagine yourself enjoying sex? Us or somebody else doesn’t matter. I’m wondering how you see your future. Do you want kids? If so, do you want to carry your babies, or do you want to adopt? How do you get there?”
The water was starting to cool. It was still warm enough, but I could tell the water heater was running low.
“I don’t know about enjoying sex,” I finally admitted. “I don’t know if I’ll have an answer until I try it.”
“That’s fair.”
“I want to be a papa though,” I whispered.
“I think you’d make a good papa.”
I smiled. “What do I do?”
“That’s up to you. We’re not going to push.”
“What do you want?” I asked, a shiver tainting my voice as the water turned cold. I reached over and turned off the faucet.
“I want you comfortable, no matter what that looks like.”
