Page 20 of The Arrival
“Yes…”
“Well, this time, and even though I wasn’t feeding from you, I… I let your energy take over. I always try to meet you halfway, but… I don’t know. You felt reallygoodand I’ve been fucking stressed and I didn’t want to think or do for once, so it kind of swept me away?” Lazily, Nino turns his head, but he’s surprised when he’s met with Haruka’s horrified gaze. He reaches out, taking hold of his mate’s hand.
“Not in a bad way!” he assures him. “It was amazing. I had this scenic vision of you and me in this place, but everything was so clear and I couldfeelyou all around me. I thought I was submitting to your aura all this time when we made love, but maybe I haven’t been? Not really. This was something totally different. A deeper level.”
The horrified expression is gone, but something still isn’t right. Nino squeezes his hand. “Talk to me.”
Haruka shakes his head. “I do not like this. My nature is too old and compelling, and I do not wish for you to lose control or submit to me to a point where you lose yourself. I should be more careful going forward.”
Nino shifts his gaze back toward the windshield. “So, I dug a little deeper and saw a new side of you, a new side of us—which I loved because it helped me to relax—but I’m cut off? You won’t give me that again?” He glances from the corners of his eyes. Haruka’s head is turned, looking forward at the snowfall of petals swirling outside the glass.
“Haru, why are wealwayshaving this conversation? It’s like you’re afraid of…” A thought suddenly occurs to Nino, making his brow crease. “Why do you think that your nature is overwhelming and too old? Who made you feel like this about your aura?” Nino stares at his mate’s profile, waiting. This topic never seems to go away. Never completely.
Nino would be remiss if he didn’t acknowledge his mate’s obvious growth over the past two years. But this insecurity in Haruka is always there. It hovers like a small dark rain cloud within the otherwise bright blue sky of their relationship.
“Was it Yuna?” Nino presses, his voice quiet in the silence of the car. Opening up and talking about his problems, his wants and needs, even his past—these things are difficult for Haruka. Nino knows this, so he’s patient. He shifts their hands so that their fingers entwine, waiting.
“Not just Yuna,” Haruka finally answers, keeping his eyes focused on the view past the windshield. “But she, too, made it very clear that my energy was overbearing, and she did not appreciate feeling subjugated by me in any way. I don’t blame her for that.”
“Okay… Did someone else say these things to you?”
Holding his hand a little tighter, Haruka shifts his gaze down to his lap. “Nino, I—I do not like to talk about my past.”
“I know. But sometimes I wish you would, so I can understand why you feel the way you do. Just think, what if I never told you about what happened to me when I was little? How would you feel, not knowing about that?”
Shaking his head, Haruka rubs his free hand against his face. “I…”
Nino waits, but nothing. He nods. “If you’re uncomfortable, it’s okay. But I think this conversation is important. I’ll wait until you’re ready.” He puts his foot on the brake, about to push the start button for the ignition, but his mate sighs. Haruka avoids Nino’s eyes as he speaks.
“Many, many years ago, after Yuna but before settling in Devonshire, I traveled. I met many creatures who expressed a variety of responses to my aura, some positive but predominantly negative and unwarranted. On one specific occasion, I believed that I had entered a safe, consenting arrangement, but things went horribly wrong.”
Haruka takes a silent breath, bringing his palm to his forehead once more. “That creature blamedmeand the raw allure of my aura for their forceful behavior. They did and said things to me—called me names that I… I had never been addressed and treated in such a way that truly shamed me, Nino. Deeply. And I—I wouldneverwant you to think of me that way, or for my nature to overwhelm you.”
Haruka’s palm is pressed hard to his face, his skin bright red. Nino leans over, pulling him into his embrace. It’s awkward, tugging at him from across the passenger seat and with Haruka’s face in the curve of Nino’s shoulder, but as he wraps his arms around him, he doesn’t care.
Haruka’s voice is hoarse as the words continue pouring out. “You have given meeverythingI have ever wanted, and now with us growing our family… I just wish to be careful.”
Nino stares in awe out the passenger-side window, his throat tight from his mate’s confession. Truthfully, he wants to know more about this “one specific occasion.” He wants to know what this demonic creature said and did to traumatize and gaslight him this way about his nature—and if Nino had to guess, his sexuality. The things that Haruka likes and prefers but Nino has to fight tooth and nail to get him to openly admit.
He wants to know, but he won’t ask Haruka to repeat the words and relive the hurt. This is far enough.
Grasping Haruka’s shoulders, Nino urges him upright so that they face each other. Haruka is shaking his head, one palm still plastered against his eyes and nose. “I am sorry, Nino.” He inhales a breath, attempting to wipe his face with his fingertips. “Today has been very strange for me, emotionally. But I am genuinely happy and grateful. I—Your reaction to me inside the clinic surprised me. Truly, I would never—”
“Hey.” Nino pulls his hand down, then rests their foreheads together. “Breathe for me? Just breathe.” He pulses their shared energy outward, filling the small space with radiant light. Love and comfort. Shaky, Haruka does as asked. When Nino feels his heartbeat calm and aligned with his own, he speaks.
“Your energy is compelling. It is old and exquisite—but it isnotcontrolling. I have never once felt ‘overwhelmed’ by you, and it does not make me do anything.” He reaches down, clasping their hands between them. “Your nature… When you let it go and allow me to feel you, it touches me, but always as an offer. Never a demand. Today,Ichose to let it have me. I said yes, completely, and it gave me something glorious.”
Nino sits up, meeting Haruka’s fretful burgundy eyes and smiling. “I think I’ve been pulling at the edges of this with you for a while. I always feel like there’s something inside you, like you have more to give, and I finally tapped into it today. But you don’t need to be scared of that, Haru. Do you know why?”
Squeezing his palms, Haruka shakes his head. Nino goes on. “Because I trust you. You said you know the soul of me. Well, I knowyou, and no matter what we do or how deep we go, I know I’m always safe with you. Even from the start—meeting you in London and going to your house to study—I was drawn to you because I felt safe. The love you give is like a shelter. If Yuna and those other vampires couldn’t see who you truly are, that’s their issue, Haru. Not yours.”
Haruka finally meets his gaze, and the tension in Nino’s chest eases a bit. “I won’t cut you off,” he says. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Nino tilts his head and places a quick kiss upside his nose. “Please don’t. I never want you to restrain yourself. And frankly, why does Yuna’s opinion even matter? It took you nine tries to bond with her. We bonded on the first try, so my opinion should carryallthe weight. You two shouldn’t have even been bonded. You weren’t compatible.”
Finally, Haruka smiles. “We should not have. That is correct.”
Nino huffs. “I also want to know who this other, ‘one specific occasion’ fucking vampire is and what thefuckthey said and did to you… but I’ll drop it.”
