Page 82 of The Awakening
“Jae? Did you hear me?” Haruka asks.
I nod. “Mmhm.”
Nino suddenly laughs, breaking the odd silence. He shakes his head. “Zeroreaction.”
“Because I don’t know what that means,” I explain. “What am I to do differently? I know what it means within the context of your culture—”
“Jae,” Haruka says, patient. “Youare part of our culture. We are all ranked vampires in this house. You arenotan outsider. You are one of us. You are purebred. Do you understand?”
It’s silent. I’m listening and my heart is beating wildly inside my chest. My throat is dry, and when I speak, my voice comes out smaller than I mean for it to. “But my father… Even if my mother was possibly vampiric, for certain my father is a human. How can I be purebred with a human father?”
“Purebred vampire lineage is strong—particularly if it is clean,” Haruka says. “This is conjecture, but imagine your vampiric nature has been crystallized and dormant, insulated deep within your DNA and continuously passed along from generation to generation. Powerful in its stasis but unable to truly flourish.
“When it received the resources it needed, the frozen entity cracked, seeped out and slowly overtook your humanity. I believe that genetic side of you was devoured by your vampiric nature, and that is why you slept for so long. That part of you died, and has slowly been dying for weeks now. There is no biological notion of humanity in you now, Jae. You sit before me, andmynature recognizes you as purebred. It has always been there—influencing your decisions and actions. Pulling you closer to us. Captivating Junichi.”
That… is a lot to unpack. Definitelynotwhat I was anticipating. At all. I look over at the elegant, tall and silent vampire beside me. Why isn’t he saying anything?
“Jun’s nature is conditioned to very clean, purebred blood,” Haruka continues. “In juxtaposition with his affinity for humans and their culture, it is no wonder that he found you. That you found each other.”
My chest is so tight, the anxiety I feel is almost suffocating me. I know what this sounds like: a set-up. Jun doesn’t deal with purebreds romantically. He’s made that very clear—over and over again. I keep staring at Jun’s expressionless face. It’s making me so nervous. “I didnotdo this to you on purpose. I didn’t lie to you.”
“I don’t think you did,” he says flatly. “But it sure as hell makes a lot of sense.”
“What doesthatmean?”
“We’ll talk about it later.”
Christ.It feels as if my windpipe is caving in on itself, because I can’t breathe.
What have I done? What is this? This shouldn’t even be possible.Noneof it. The only reason I started to accept this insanity was because of Jun. Because I had this warm, fuzzy image in my mind of myself “awakening” and being a first-gen. Maybe even second? And I could be with Jun and we’d be the same—or he’d rank higher than me. I really don’t give a shit about any of that, but he definitely does.
I could work at the hospital and expand the surrogacy program while helping all my patients. Sometimes Jun would stop by and snog me in my office until I couldn’t breathe, then we’d see each other at home and I could cook and we’d dance. I’d get even better at bachata and we’d make love and have lazy mornings in bed and feed.
He’d never need to see Ren again because my blood isgoodfor him, and I’d see him through breaking his addiction. It would have been hard, but I could have done it. I’m a doctor. And I’d have a long, happy life with this gorgeous, incredible person that I love and trust. Maybe one day he’d see how good we were together, and we’d quietly bond and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. We’d just be together forever, and I’d make spicy tofu soup for breakfast the next day as usual.
That vision is shattering in my mind, because if I’m purebred, that means Jun doesn’t want me. Itabsolutelymeans he’s done with me. Now I’ve submitted myself to this insane situation—and instead of whoring around and being alone for another thirty-five to forty years, I’ve locked myself into centuries of it. Plus, I have to drink weird blood and deal with an entirely new landscape where I haveno ideahow I fit in.
I jump when Sydney places an elaborate plate of food in front of me. “Are you okay, Doctor Davies?”
“You should eat to help regain your strength,” Haruka says encouragingly.
Nodding, I pick up the fork beside me. I’m shuffling the food around on the plate, and I can’t focus my mind at all.
I can’t eat right now. I can barely breathe.
* * *
When breakfast is finished(I’ve eaten nothing), I get my bags and humbly apologize for falling asleep in their house for almost seven days. Insanely rude of me. Nino laughs at this, which is refreshing. For a moment, the sound cuts through the thick stress in my chest and throat. Haruka wants me to keep coming over to study and talk with him. He also wants me to keep a low profile, given I’m the only British purebred in the world. Fucking fantastic.
Jun and I are awkwardly quiet the entire taxi ride back to his house. I would giveanythingto hold his hand. I just want something, any sign to know we’re alright. I’m scared to death of reaching over for him and him pulling his hand away. I honestly think I would die if he did that to me right now. I couldn’t bear it, so I keep my hands to myself and take deep breaths.
How do you mentally, emotionally prepare for your heart to be broken? Usually in these matters, I think it just happens. It’s unexpected. You don’t necessarily see it coming and you have no time to prepare. Like someone reversing on you at a traffic light.
Iknowit’s coming. I can feel it. But I don’t know what to do. I’ve never… I haven’t ever been in love like this before. I’ve never fancied a person this much—so strongly. Openly. I liked Cy a lot when I was younger, but it was an unrequited crush (although, turns out it wasn’t). I never confessed it aloud or really gave in to it. Never let myself utterly drown in my feelings for him like I’ve done with Jun.
There’s no experience for me to draw upon—like, “Oh, this is what I did the last time someone I loved dumped me. I’ll do that thing again to cope.” There is no last time. This is thefirsttime I’ve ever just… lost myself in someone.God.I’m such an idiot. What the hell have I been thinking? I haven’t been. That’s the problem.
When we’re in the house, Junichi is walking ahead of me. I still feel like I weigh a thousand tonnes with this new fucking tight-skinned body. And I’ve got the nerve to have that damn dry tickle in the back of my throat again.
