Page 96 of The Awakening
He overshoots in pouring the tea, and now it’s puddled in the saucer underneath the cup and on the table, but at least he’s looking at me with his celestial eyes. They remind me of the rings orbiting Saturn.
“I love you, Jae. I didn’t come here because I’mkind. Or because it was my civic duty or whatever it is you’re thinking. I came here because I missed you.”
Jae is staring at me and holding the teapot like he’s a wax figure, so I reach and pull it from his grip. “Can we put this down?” He jumps, but when the teapot is out of the way, I clasp both of his hands in mine on either side of the tray, making us both rest our elbows down against the surface.
“I apologize if I hurt you, or if you felt like I abandoned you when you needed me. That wasn’t my intention, at all. Can you understand?”
Jae is frozen for another moment, then finally nods and breaks our eye contact. He says, “Yes,” but I can feel that he’s so emotionally guarded. He’s sitting here, our hands are clasped and I’m staring at him, but he’s never felt so far away from me. Like we’re not even in the same room.
“Have I truly fucked this up? Have I lost you?” I bring one of his hands to my mouth and brush his knuckles against my lips, waiting. I’m watching him take short breaths, then he clenches his eyes shut and lowers his head like he’s in pain. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m about to ask if he’s alright when he suddenly snatches his hands away from my mouth and out of my grasp.
“I-I’m sorry—can you please just give me a minute?” He stands, then swiftly disappears through the doorway of the kitchen. This time, Lulú doesn’t chase behind him, but turns her head and stares at me.
I sit in silence, listening to the rain tap lightly against the windows of this beautiful cottage and realizing that maybe I truly have fucked this up.
Forty-Four
Jae
Christ, this body. I feel like I’m about to spontaneously combust and I have no clue what to do about it—other than move away from the person who’s setting me off.
I can’t even process or be happy about what Junichi is saying to me because everything in me feels like a fizzy drink that’s been shaken up—that is, if the drink were made with fire. I leave the kitchen as fast as I can manage and head to the bathroom down the hall from the sitting room. Inside, I close the door and grip the porcelain sink as I take slow, deep breaths. The surface of the sink is cool underneath my palms, which helps to distract me.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I never know anymore.
This feeling… It was bad when Audrey was here with us, but tolerable, because I could focus all my attention on her. She was like a neutralizer compared to whatever Junichi is doing to me. But with her gone, it’s harder to distract myself—and then he touches me and he’s talking and I literally can’t breathe because my heart is beating off the charts.
It feels slightly more manageable now that I’m in the bathroom, so I turn on the cold water and bend down. I pull my glasses off and place them aside before I splash the water against my face over and over, wishing I could wash this feeling away—this body. When I stop and stand up straight to look at myself in the mirror, droplets are running down my too tight, too perfect for comfort skin, and those weird rings around my irises that showed up a couple of months ago look like they’re glowing.
“Shit.” I rub my hands against my face, willing it to stop. All of it. I feel like a fucking freak.
I stay in the bathroom for a long time, trying to calm myself. When Junichi is in front of me, it’s like everything in my body is clawing and clamoring toward him. Even when I was human, I always wanted him. But this feels ridiculous.
By the time I leave the bathroom, I feel a little more in control. My weird eyes have stopped whatever they were doing, and my heartrate is calmer. I take a deep breath when I turn the corner to walk back into the kitchen. Junichi is still sitting in the exact same spot, and his eyes immediately meet mine. My body warms up, but I take another breath and stamp it down. I can’t keep letting these feelings overrun me like this.
I force a smile. “Sorry about that…”
His gaze is intense but thoughtful. His tone sincere. “What just happened?”
“I’m still adjusting. I’m alright.”
“If you talk to me and tell me what’s going on, I can help you. I’m not Haruka, but I still know a lot and can explain things that might not make sense to you.”
I believe him. I do. But… I don’t want to dump all my shit into his lap again. I did that in the past, didn’t I? He told me before that I could lean on him, and what happened?
I’ll manage this and figure it out on my own. I will.
Slowly, I move forward and toward the bench, trying hard to keep my nature and body in check. I just need to focus. As I sit, Lulú is looking up at me with her golden eyes. She obviously can’t talk, but it feels very much like she’s worried and asking if I’m alright. Which is bloody weird.
“Thank you,” I tell Jun, breathing steadily. “But I’m okay.” I thread my fingers together in the gap of my legs under the table because it gives me something to focus on, and it keeps him from grabbing me and making my nature go berserk again. I take another deep breath. “About… what you said earlier.”
“Can we take it slow?” Junichi asks. “You don’t need to respond to me right now. You’re adjusting, and I don’t expect you to suddenly trust and open up to me again like a switch being flicked on. I know it doesn’t work like that. But I’m here, Jae. Just know that I’m here for you—and this time, I’m not leaving unless you tell me to go. Deal?”
I don’t think this will work anymore. I don’t think it can now. But how could I ever tell him to go? This person that awakened me, and whose blood and presence make my entire body feel like I’m an explosive. I’m relieved, because he’s saved me from having to admit that I’m a complete and utter mess. I can barely control my nature, and I don’t know what’s happening to this insane body from one minute to the next.
I love him, too. Of course I love him. I just… wish things were different. That I was still me—the me I know—or that I’d turned out to be first-gen or lower. Then I’d have some humanity left and Jun would be more comfortable with me. I’d be more comfortable with myself. Things would have been so much better.
It feels unfair.
