Page 89 of The Awakening
“Hello?”
I blink, meeting Cy’s doe eyes. “Sorry. What?”
He shakes his head. “You’re so out of it, Jae. Has becoming a vampire changed you that much? What can I do? You rarely leave the house, you don’t eat—and you’re so serious all the time. What happened to my quirky and cheerful friend with all his cheesy jokes and weird observations? Is he in there somewhere? I miss him!”
I almost say “He died” to be funny, but it’s not funny. Lifting my hands, I rub my palms against my face and underneath my glasses, feeling the familiar burn welling up in my eyes. I’m shaking my head and I don’t know what’s come over me, but I burst into silent tears. It just takes over sometimes, all the frustration, confusion and sadness I feel.
I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m doing. Cyrus is here and he visits me. He tries to help, I know. But it’s like I’m on autopilot every day, and I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life. I could deal with this before, when I was human. I was accustomed to it. But now, the loneliness stretches into something like infinity. Like there’s no end to it and I’m stuck.
“Ah shit—I’m sorry, mate. Dammit.” Cy stands and comes to the other side of the bench where I’m sitting. He pats and holds my shoulder, then awkwardly pulls my glasses from my face. “Why do you keep wearing these? You don’t even need them anymore. You said your vision was even better than twenty-twenty?”
Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply, then exhale to compose myself. I haven’t spontaneously cried like this in two weeks. I thought I was getting better. “They’re just… familiar. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was eight. I had clear lenses put in.”
Cyrus is still gripping my shoulder. “Well, I kinda get that. Like a security blanket… But it’s daft.”
“Cheers.”
“No, I mean, I think that’s the problem. You keep rebelling against this new life in all these weird, micro-aggressive ways. If you embrace this—come out to London more, drink blood fromrealpeople, stop rereading your mum’s depressing journal and get rid of these damn glasses—you’ll feel better? Live the life your mum couldn’t. You’ve been given something special, you prat. Stop pouting.”
When I talked to my father and let him know that I was a purebred vampire, he didn’t even question it. He told me to go upstairs in the attic and read my mum’s journals. That was his first reaction to my big reveal. Turns out, she knew what she was. They both did. But they didn’t know what to do about it. She didn’t have a Junichi, Haruka or Nino around to sniff her out, because we lived in a country void of ranked vampires. I can’t decide if I feel better or worse after reading about her last days. But it does give me some answers.
I take another deep breath, wiping my face again. I glance over at Cyrus. “I should try. You’re right.”
He squeezes my shoulder, his lips quirking up in a grin. “Of course I am, you beautiful vampire man…God,you’re even hotter than you were before. I could kiss you.”
“Please don’t.”
Forty-One
Junichi
It’s a cool, overcast spring day as Nino and I sit in the front tearoom of the Miyoshi Clan estate. It’s doing that misty rain thing outside where it’s enough to make you wet but not enough for an umbrella without making you feel dramatic.
There’s a large window behind us, drenching the room in gray light as we sit seiza style on thick cushions, waiting for Ren and his father. They made me waitfour monthsfor this damn meeting because Ren’s parents were traveling. I stopped feeding from him during that time, though. Actually, I haven’t even seen him since November—since that day he restrained me and acted like a maniac. After Jae left, I started feeding from a first-gen I know locally: a friend of mine, so the arrangement is casual. I also started having the hospital draw my blood and send Ren bags so I don’t have to see him.
It’s been hell. I’m tired all the time and my skin is a weird color. I feed, but I never really feel satisfied in my nature. I needed to do this, though. To at least know that I’m capable, and that I’m not a slave to purebred blood. My life and decisions aren’t just driven by the need or an addiction created by my controlling father.
“Why do you keep staring at your phone?” Nino asks, glancing over at me.
“Because I tried to video-call Jae two days ago and he hasn’t responded or texted me back. He’s ignoring me more and more. I don’t like it.”
Nino adjusts his shoulders, facing forward. “That’s because you ruined his birthday.”
I drop my hands and the phone in my lap. “Would you stop saying that? It doesn’t help.”
“But it’s true. You broke his heart, then he ran away from us when he doesn’t even know how to vampire. I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now.”
“Listen, I wasn’t ready,” I express for the umpteenth time. I feel like all I do is defend myself around him lately. Haruka doesn’t say anything about my choice, but Nino picks at me. It’s like he identifies with Jae in some innate way. “If I need time, I need time. Plus, all this bullshit needed to be cleaned up with Ren. I didn’t tell Jae to leave Japan. Ididn’twant him to go, but I can’t simultaneously tell him I need space and ask him to stay close by, like an asshole.”
Nino nods. “Exactly. Think about it, Jae died—physically and metaphorically, because everything he thought he knew about himself, and everything he knew to be true, flipped on its head in a singular day. He wakes up to a brand-new world, a new body, perspective and genealogy with nothing to hold on to, and on that same day, the one person he sincerely trusts says, ‘Can you give me some space?’”
Groaning, I rub my palms against my face. He’s been throwing comments like this at me for months. He’s on a roll now, so I just let him get it out of his system.
“You know the night Haru and I bonded, he freaked out—”
“Yes, Asao told me that story. I know.”
“But what Asao doesn’t know is that Haru held my hand. He was so scared, Jun. Insanely distressed. I had never seen him like that before. I thought he might push me away or be cold toward me because he didn’t want to bond at all. He’d told me as much over and over. But thenboom, we ended up in that unexpected situation and he didn’t push me away. He reached over and held my hand. That’s the moment I knew we’d always be fine. That I could trust him and he would never hurt me.”
