Page 101 of The Awakening
“What wasn’t true?” he asks, staring forward and out the window—through the glass and at yet another gray, overcast sky.
“First, that I told you to ‘shove off.’”
“You did.”
“Did not. I said I needed space. If anything,Ineeded to shove off for a minute. I never wanted you to leave Japan. You could have stayed in my house and worked as long as you wanted. I just… I needed time to process and adjust, and I needed to fix the Ren bullshit. I would have been perfectly fine with you staying with me—”
“Sure. Right. I was supposed to just crack on. Walking around and pretending like I don’t love—like I don’t care.” He takes another deep breath and runs his hands up and into his hair.
I smirk. “Like you don’tloveme, Jae?”
He drops his hands, gripping them against the edge of the bed with his shoulders hunched. His skin is flushed and he doesn’t say anything—guarded. I can’t help but smile and shake my head. Does he not even realize what his aura is? Its function and what it reveals about his innate desires and needs? Nino was right. He doesn’t know how to vampire. At all.
Which makes this all the more endearing, really.
“Second,” I go on, since he’s clearly done talking, “you said that I don’t like you like this. That isn’t true. It doesn’t matter what you are. This outer shell is irrelevant. I loveyou, Jae Davies, and all the beautiful, intangible and marvelous things that swarm together to create the essence of who you are.”
His skin is still rosy and splotched, but his grip against the bed eases. He’s staring out the window, his face lit by the gray glow of the sky.
“Why?” he asks after a long moment of silence. “What’s changed in the past five months?”
“Me.” I smile, staring into his profile. “To quote someone that I deeply respect, ‘I’m looking at you without all of my ridiculous personal baggage in the way.’ Is that alright?”
Jae rubs his palm down his face. A weak attempt to hide his smile. “You can’t use my own line on me.”
“Why can’t I? It impressed me when you said it. It told me that you were self-aware and working to change. Now, I am, too.”
There’s a moment of pause where the sunlight breaks through the clouds. I see the bright yellow ray like a spotlight, but it’s only for a passing moment. Jae sits straighter, resting his hands within his lap. His voice is low. “I don’t know who… or what I am anymore. And I don’t know how to control this body.”
I shake my head. “That’s okay—”
“Is it?” He finally looks at me, his perplexing eyes distressed. “What if the thing you’re afraid of is true? What if Iamlike Ren and every other purebred you hate, and it’s only a matter of time before I change? Or something else happens to me besides my eyes shifting colors or this insane blue orb coming out of me? I don’t know, Jun!”
“Iknow. I can feel you and you’re the same, sunshine. You’re just… getting in your own way?” I take a chance, because Ireallywant to touch him. The way he smells and the pull of his nature are still there, tucked away but enticing me. Intoxicating me. I know a kiss is far off at the moment, but if I could just…
The second my fingers graze his against the bed, he snatches his hand away. I frown. “Jae—”
“Don’t touch me! You’ll just set me off and I’ll be a blue fireball again. Jesus Christ, so humiliating. It took forever to calm it down. I need to talk to Haruka as soon as we get to Milan. There has to be a way to stop this.”
“You could alsonotstop it and just let it breathe. It’s your aura, and it’s the physical manifestation of your vampiric energy. It’s naturally responding to me. To us.” I smile, but he’s frowning and shaking his head.
“It’s a freak show.”
“It is not.”
“You told me that youhatedthat feeling! And that it was forceful and controlling—”
“Notyours. It’s not always like that, and I was wrong to only tell you that side of it. But there’s another side, too. Your aura is also the essence of who you are, Jae—your true, unfiltered self all around me and communicating with me. Calling to me. It’s pure and beautiful and I love it. It feelsgoodto me.” I finally have eye contact, so I take advantage and say, “Can we please try? I think we can absolutely do this, as long as we go slowly, and you truly forgive me for hurting you. Can you?”
Now that he’s been honest with me and aired his grievances, I know we can do this. He’s already less tense, and even though there are still hurdles to overcome, I can finally see the finish line in the distance. Somehow, I already know what the promised land looks like, and it is flowing with milk and honey. It is truly good.
When he nods, I exhale a breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding.
“Yes,” he says. “I forgive you… but don’t touch me until I figure out how to control this thing inside me.”
I bite my lip and look away from him because I do not want to make that promise. AndIcould help him learn and manage it, if he let me. Is he serious?
“Jun?”
