Page 100 of The Awakening
I don’t think I did anything dramatic, but suddenly, the atmosphere of the room shifts, warms and intensifies.
The anxiety in Jae’s body and demeanor is profound. I can feel his apprehension and his pulling away from me. The insecurities and doubts. His being guarded and very careful with me.
We’re not bonded. I hear that these are things one can easily discern from their mate once you’re bonded. Jae is not my mate, yet, but I can still read him like a damn billboard. He seemed relaxed last night while we talked. It was the most serene he’s been since I arrived here. So this morning, I thought I’d try.
Imisshim. He smells delicious and I just want to kiss him. I want him to kissmein his profound, beautiful and trusting way. The way that only he can. I want to touch and feel him under my hands and against my skin and help him understand that he’s not a freak, or a racoon or a skunk. That he’s a unique, magnificent creation. He always has been. That he’s kind, funny, endearing and frisky as hell, and I love all of that shit.
I figured I’d finally try, but he’s leaning away from me now and his expression is one of pure dread.
It starts with his eyes. The ring of blue lights up along the outer rim before it melts into the center, drowning out any remnants of honey brown until his eyes are glowing in bright cobalt. Then I feel his nature fanning outward—pure and unfiltered in the same vivid blue, but as a thick haze encapsulating his body.
Soon, it’s reaching out toward me, but also pulling at my nature within me and calling to me. My energy grows brighter, and I feel my eyes burn in response to what Jae’s nature is doing. What it’s communicating to me.
He wants me. Period. Deeply and sincerely, he loves and desires me. But it’s not like Ren’s aura—a thick, dank miasma laced with inky possessiveness. Entitlement, demand and discontent.
I sense Jae’s desire for me, but there’s no possessiveness at all. It feels more like an invitation. It makes my skin warm. It smells sweet and heavenly to my senses, as if he’s the proprietor of a luscious shop offering fresh, delicious goods and I am welcome to enter. I’d be safe there and well looked after. I wouldn’t ever want for anything.
I’m amazed at howgoodit feels as it radiates further outward, slowly engulfing my body and covering me. I want more of it—to greedily feel it and better understand the different layers and complexities of it—but Jae stands abruptly, staring at me with that horrified gaze still etched on his face. He backs away from me, and the warmth and sweetness disappear, like I’ve been shoved out of a door and left in the freezing rain. Was my existence always like this? Or is this some unique aftereffect of being exposed to his aura?
Jae turns, walks across the room, goes into the en-suite bathroom and slams the door shut. I swallow and inhale a breath, still recovering from the loss of that feeling. My heart is pumping in my chest, but I push myself to stand and walk over to the bathroom door. I feel fucking bewildered, and my eyes are still alighted. “Jae?”
He doesn’t answer me. After a moment, I knock, steadily taking deep breaths to settle my nature. “Jae? What are you doing?” I can feel his aura muffled through the door. Now, instead of being inside the shop, it’s as if I’m looking in through a window. I can’t feel it completely, but I know it’s very good inside there. “Jae—”
“I-I’ll meet you downstairs!”
His voice comes frantic and stifled through the door. When there’s nothing else, I turn, walk toward the bed and drop down hard, lying back with my palms pressed against my face and waiting for my eyes to burn out.
Shit. I feel high. But not like a thick, cottony drug-induced high. More like I took some happy pills and the lingering effect is soft tingles across my skin and my heart being light. My body is amped up and now Ireallywant to touch him. I knew his nature and essence would be good to me when I finally felt its true form. It was fantastic even when it was stifled and he was human. But this unfiltered, raw vampire energy of his… It’s something else. Powerful and euphoric. Glorious.
Jae stays in the bathroom for a very long time. I don’t know how long exactly, but by the time the door opens, I’m sitting upright with my arms folded, and my body is acclimated to living out in the freezing rain again. He starts when he sees me, even taking a small step back. He avoids my eyes and runs his fingers against the back of his hair
“I… I said I would meet you downstairs.”
I watch him with my arms folded. When I don’t say anything, he finally steps out of the bathroom, eyeing me cautiously. Totally guarded. “Sorry… about—”
“Why did you walk away from me?” I ask. Jae pauses. He looks at me, blinking. But slowly, he draws back, his face shifting and his brow creasing. I’ve seen this expression on him before. I haven’t seen it in a very long time, but I do remember it. Distinctly.
“Why did I walk away fromyou?” he asks, the question laced with incredulity. “Have we forgotten that you walked away fromme? That you told me to shove off five months ago because you wanted nothing to do with this?” Jae opens his arms, indicating his entire body with wide eyes. “You told me that you wouldneverbe bothered with ranked vampires—especially purebreds! And you told me plainly that you hated Ren’s aura, and the fact that purebreds even have this ridiculous ability. But you show up here, unannounced and rubbing your face into me, and I’m supposed to what, exactly? Be overjoyed? Compliant? What the hell did you expect?”
He turns and paces a step, running his hands into his hair before he stops, looking away but still talking to me. “This won’t work. I… I can’t do this with you.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t even know how tobehavearound you anymore.” He turns his head to glance at me, and his eyes are glassy. But when he sees me staring back, he looks to the wall again, wiping his palm down his face and inhaling deep. “Anything I do, I’m worried it’s coming across as bossing you or exerting myrankover you or whatever. And I know… I know how you really feel about me now. In this form. You don’t like this, and I don’t like it either. So why should two people try to exist together in a circumstance like that? It’s toxic and it’s painful.”
He wipes his eyes, his shoulders rising and falling. Eventually, he looks over at me, frowning. “Are you listening?”
“I am. Is there anything else?”
He tilts his head. “Isn’t that enough?”
I scoot over on the bed and pat the mattress with my palm. “Will you please sit with me?” At first, he doesn’t budge. After a moment, though, he steps toward the bed.
If Jae had said all of this to me before I felt his physical aura, I might have believed him. He’s been tense, guarded and uncomfortable ever since I arrived. Coupled with this declaration, I might have given in, thinking that this is what he truly wants.
But I’ve now had the immense pleasure of feeling the true inner core of his being. The soul of him and what he earnestly desires. Whether he realizes this or not, I don’t know. But he’s lying right now. Both to me and to himself. He wants this just as badly as I do.
When he’s sitting beside me on the bed, I look over at him. “Everything you said is valid. But not all of it was true.”
