Page 77 of Check the Halls
“I like buying you things,” he argues. “And I haven’t been able to in a long time, so it’s going to take a while to get it out of my system.”
Smiling, I reach my hand into the bag and pull out a book-shaped object wrapped in a soft cloth. “Hmm. It doesn’t feel like a Disney World snow globe.”
“Open it and find out.”
Carefully, I unwrap my present and gasp. The hardcover book has no dust jacket, just a dark blue surface that’s a bit rough in places. Smooth gold lettering is printed on the spine and cover alone with an illustration of a young girl.
“Where did you…” I start to carefully turn the pages. Copyright 1908 London. The full-colour illustrations smiling up at me.
“There’s a used book store in Tampa that I go towhenever we play there.” He rubs the back of his neck. “The guy kind of knows me by now, since I’ve been going there for years looking for the same book. He had it set aside for me.”
Ben still goes to used books stores looking for copies of my favourite book? How many Saturday mornings had we started with a trip to local shops back home? And he’s been going for years?
“It’s not in the best condition,” he admits. “The binding is loose and some of the pages are pretty discoloured.”
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, hugging the book to my chest, not trusting myself to look into his eyes, scared of what I might find. “You’ve been going to a used book store in Florida for years?”
He swallows. “Yeah. I mean, not just there. I’ve found some pretty cool shops in several of the cities where we play away games.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. No, I do. I think…I think it made me feel connected to you. Like I still had a part of you.” The vulnerability coming off of him as he stares at his hands in his lap threatens to break me. He’s always been so honest with me. Putting himself out there, again and again, knowing full well he might get hurt.
My breath quickens as my chest tightens. “I want to try again.”
His eyes snap up to meet mine. “What?”
I place my new treasure down next to our forgotten wine glasses and turn myself to face him on the couch.
“I’ve been trying to do what you said and focus on what I want. And I think what I want most is you. I missbeing with you. Just being around you. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I don’t know what’s going to happen. We’re not the same people we were when we were young and in love. But I want to try to see what these new versions of us are like together. Because I missed you, Ben. So much. It’s like I’ve spent the last ten years convincing myself that I’m happy and then you reappear and remind me what happiness actually is.”
My voice breaks on the last word and Ben brings his hands to my face, cupping it while he looks into my eyes.
“You know how I feel.” His voice is low as he stares at me, making me feel more loved, more treasured than I have felt, maybe ever before. “But if you need to hear it again, I’ll tell you. I want to try again, too.”
I feel my lip quiver. “Even if it doesn’t work out and it’s a waste of time?”
“No time spent with you could ever be wasted. Especially after knowing what time without you is like.”
I search his face for any sign of doubt and find only adoration. Achingly slowly, I lean forward, until I feel his breath on my lips. My skin is practically singing with anticipation as I close the space between us and press my lips to his.
It’s soft. Barely a brush of one mouth on another and still I feel it through my entire body. Goosebumps. Chills. Every neuron in my brain fires with sheer awareness.
Ben draws back, reading my face still cupped in his hands. His eyes are dark and wanting more, but he’s holding himself back. Letting me set the pace, like he doesn’t want to scare me off with how badly he wants this.
“What are you thinking?” I ask him.
“That if I knew giving you an old book was all it would take win you back, I should have done it months ago.”
“But you only found the book this week,” I point out, running my fingers through his hair.
“Madness, I’ve been collecting rare copies of Alice for years. I’ve got two boxes of them.”
My mouth drops open and Ben’s restraint snaps as he takes it. The whimper that escapes me when his tongue brushes mine should embarrass me, but it doesn’t. I’m not capable of feeling anything but joy.
I feel his arm around my waist and then I’m being pulled onto him. My legs straddle his lap as he holds me, his other hand lowering to my neck. With the lightest of pressure he controls the angle of the kiss. His thumb strokes my pounding pulse like he’s monitoring my vitals.
My hands travel over his toned chest, fingers gripping his shirt, trying to pull him closer even though our bodies are flush against one another already. He’s broader than he was when we were younger. Thicker. His tall, wide frame filling out more over the years of constant training. I want to strip him down and examine every part of him. Compare this man to the version of him I knew before.
